Oh god....everything!

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So…hi. I’m 29, just been diagnosed with breast cancer with no family history. I’ve had a lumpectomy and had all my lymph nodes removed up to level 2. I have to have a re-excision on Tuesday as they didn’t get the clear margins they wanted, and apparently all my lymph nodes were involved so I’ll have to rely on the chemotherapy and radiotherapy in that department.

To be honest, my main issue is my head rather than my breast. I feel like I’m having an identity crisis (midlife crisis seems wrong at 29). I feel like I should be thinking “Right, after 29 years of doing my thing, I’ve got cancer and now I’m going to do THIS”…but there’s nothing. There’s no decision to become a nun and devote my life to Christ (ok, I’m married with no particular faith but you get my point right?), or to skydive or study Buddhism or travel or start smoking. There’s nothing. I feel like I should be experiencing some real clarity of thought, or an ephiphany but…nothing.

My GP said I’m having a delayed grief reaction now that I’m contemplating my own mortality, held my hand and prayed for me, and advised me to buy a copy of the bible. I probably won’t go back to see him! But I wonder if I’m missing something? Or is this normal? Does everyone wonder what they’ve been doing with their life, up to the point their told they’re sick?

Be interested to know what you think. Apologies for any typos. Not used to this laptop.

Peace, out.

x

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Hello Tulgeywood
I haven’t heard of 2 people who have reacted the same to a diagnosis - we are all different - ages, circumstances,belief systems, family etc and each diagnosis and treatment path is very individual. There is no right or wrong way to experience or deal with this and the best advice I have to offer is that its your illness and however you deal with it will be right for you.
There are people on this forum of all ages and beliefs and I’m sure that some interesting discussion will come out of your posting.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself and let your instincts guide you
sending love, monica xx

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Hiya. I am 32 and have just finished my active treatment and i, to be fair, sailed through it all in denial and now i am seriously falling apart! Its like i held my breath through the treatment and now i am really struggling crying and not wanting to be with anyone apart from my babies and my close family.

You see there is no right or wrong way to feel. My mum said i was too brave through it all and I am just experiencing delayed grief… who knows!

All in all, follow the plan of care, if you feel sad, be sad and if you feel numb accept thats the way you are at the moment and why should you know how to deal with this bomb shell!!

Good luck

S

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Hello TulgeyWood, I’m so sorry for your predicament. It sounds like you are in shock, and understandably so. It will take time for the reality to become clearer to you, so maybe you shouldn’t expect yourself to get to grips with it too quickly.

I’m not sure if there is a ‘right’ way to get through it - everyone is different. But you must have a basic survival instinct, and a will to live, to end up posting here, don’t you think? You are reaching out, and that’s got to be a good thing.

If you phone the BCC help line during the day I’m sure they will have good advice for you about seeking more help.

I saw a post here some weeks ago, I can’t remember who it was but someone recommended the Cancer Counselling Trust which offers telephone counselling for people with cancer, so maybe that’s worth googling.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me it’s been very important to try not to dwell too much on negative statistics or my own mortality, because I don’t want to ‘talk myself into an early grave.’
I am not a statistic, and neither are you.

For me, as well as surgery, chemo and radiation, I’ve done a lot of ‘holistic’ therapies which have helped a lot, with both my body and mind (I personally see them as being closely linked). I’ve done stuff like reiki, visualisations, meditation, and adopted a healthier diet. Many people recommend tai chi and yoga and acupuncture to help with stress. I’ve also taken a creative writing class at a Maggie Centre near me, and have found it very helpful to express the jumble of feelings, fears and thoughts by writing and sharing within a small group of people facing similar problems. Maybe there is a Maggie Centre or something like it near you?

Whatever happens, you will always find lots of women here who are going through similar physical and emotional experiences, so at the very least you can come here and not feel alone.

xxxxBuckwheat

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Hi Tulgey
As the others have said, we all have different reactions and these also change as you move forward through all the various stages and treatments, so please kind to yourself and don’t think you ‘ought’ to feel a certain way.

I haven’t had any epiphany or desire to start sky diving either - I just want to get back to my normal life and put it all behind me if I can. It will always be a part of our lives now it has happened, but hopefully one day soon it won’t rule it like it does at the moment.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? It sounds like it would be useful to have a proper talk to someone who has perhaps been through a major ‘life event’ and can understand. I was about your age when my mum got BC and I got divorced, both a total shock to me at the time and everything in my life had goen swimmingly well until then - so I struggled at the time. I am nearly 37 now, and those experiences have prepared me for this now (I think), but I needed counselling back then as it was all so new to me… I am making assumptions that you may not have had anything this big happen before, which may be wrong of me, but I hope you see what I am saying!!!

Take care and stay with us here as you can rant, rave, ask, celebrate - anything - and someone will be there for you.
Flora xxxx

Edited to add PS: If a GP tried the hand-holding/bible bashing thing with me, I’d be out of there like a shot! How presumptious!

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hi, think you just deal with it as you can, no good, bad right or wrong ways to how you should be feeling. Keep coming here and ranting, getting your feelings out and everything, it helps!

With me I wanted some sort of normality and between finding out and surgery I was fine with it beign delayed (which i shouldnt have been) and went out and go very drunk every weekend with my mates. no thinking i need to go to church, keep sober, be sensible, nothing

Good luck xxx

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HI there

don’t be too hard on yourself. I found getting through the bulk of all this treatment has been a ‘one day at a time’ process. To start with all I could feel was that I wanted to survive. Now nearly 10 months on from diagnosis and with treatment due to finish on 18 Dec I’m starting to think about what I want to do next. I’m not planning anything though as I want to get through the treatment first.

I did have some counselling with the Cancer Counselling Trust which I don’t know may appeal to you? They offer nine sessions and ask for a donation. This did turn things around for me and helped to really start thinking about things I enjoyed as opposed to things I thought I should be doing.

My emotions have continued to change through all of this and I’ve just gone with that and had no expectations of myself (for a change).

take care
Elinda x

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Tugley

I’m so sorry you’ve had to join us, but you’ve ‘met’ a group of gals who truly understand your predicament. To reiterate what others have said, there is no right or wrong way to feel and no one can tell you how to feel either. Friends and family try their best, but I find their platitudes a tad annoying!

I was linked up by BCC to a mentor who had a similar diagnosis, lymph node involvement at the same age as me and we are both Nurses. I was really good to talk to her. You may find this a help. I agree with the ‘take one day at a time’ principle. Things do seem to get easier once you get into the treatment; I had my second chemo on Friday and am ticking each procedure off in my head as it happens.

Take care

Julia xx

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Hey Tugley,
Your post really struck a chord with me. Got my diagnosis in late November and I’ve just turned 39. I felt under huge pressure to have some sort of mega response to it all, and have been really preoccupied by the thought that secretly, everyone is expecting me to come through this and emerge a stronger, more positive, more spiritual person. And I just feel blank. I’m not sure how it will change me, if at all, or what will come out of the whole experience. And I’ve felt really bothered by what the point of it all is, do you know what I mean? I just don’t get it, and I don’t know how I’m meant to view the illness or my life hereafter. But I think numb is really normal though, and forget other people’s expectations. As everyone here says, just feel what you need to feel, even if that’s an aching sense of nothingness! Good luck, and I hope you’re doing ok.
Jo xxx

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I have to confess I have a beef with everyone (outside my family) telling me I need to be positive. As I have a secondary, being positive is sometimes hard to do, and just feels like acting. I feel this put me under enormous pressure to present a positive face to all my friends, show how brave I am being, and I feel I am really doing this for their benefit and need for reassurance, not mine. It also makes me feel that if things don’t work out it will somehow be my fault for not fighting it hard enough. Anyone else find this attitude a little patronising?

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Hi TulgeyWood,

I am similar in that I am wondering what it is I should be doing with my life. I am finding it a bit wierd. I now think that I don’t want to get back to normal, I want to make it better.

I’ll share this as we are all friends here…

I suffered with depression for a large part of my life (so far) and didn’t value my life (- that is the ‘softest’ way I can put it). When I was diagnosed and the thought that I might die occurred to me, that made me decide that my life might be worth something. Instead of ‘not wanting my life’ I decided I had to make my life more desirable and worthwhile…sadly I haven’t yet found out how to do this! But I do believe there is something out there for me somewhere.

A very dear friend asked me what I wanted most in life, money no object. I couln’t think of anything, I just bawled my eyes out (much to his shock and distress!) Am I sad, or what?!

I think, as Monica (Daisyleaf) said, it is a matter of being guided by instincts. It may take some time for ideas to form, so just be patient and gentle with yourself.

With love, :slight_smile:

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Hi Finty,

Yes, I know what you mean. It is quite difficult to know how to handle it. I have just been back at work for 2 weeks, and had my parents to visit for almost 2 weeks (meant to be 1 week but the snow kept them here longer).

After putting a brave face on for everyone around me, and trying hard to be positive and upbeat (to save their worry/discomfort), I kind of ‘crashed’ today, feeling really down and bawling my eyes out. I guees it is the first day I have been alone and had the privacy to be myself and the charade just fell away.

I also feel on the ice yesterday and was terrified I had damaged my surgery sites, as I felt sore. I was angry that no-one else could understand my fear.

For myself, I do try to be positive (I am very lucky in that I do not have secondaries) as I feel it helps me, but it doesn’t suit everyone and is not something that should be used like a stick. For heaven’s sake, please get rid of that thought about anything being your fault for not trying hard enough.

Wishing you all the best andd sending you love :slight_smile:

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Sorry for rubbish typing - what’s up with me!

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Hi

I’m one year post Dx, well a wee bit further. This time last year I was waiting to start chemo at the end of the month.

There is absolutely no definitive way of dealing with this. If it helps, I haven’t had an epiphany about changing my life, making it better etc etc, at all, never did. Neither have I felt that life was no longer worth living. I went through the shock, the blank, the confusion and anger, then the acceptance of it as a fact of life, and then just got on with dealing with treatment. Over the months I came to terms with the fact that I had cancer (I was fortunate, no spread), and that I now have statistics in my head that I’ll never get rid of, and that I want to get on with my future. Live life, take the future as it comes. That’s about the only motto I can give you. My life is just as disappointing to me as it was before the cancer, and also as full of hope and opportunity as it was. Nothing changed apart from me now knowing that I have an inner strength that I wouldn’t have credited myself with before. Oh, and that I have so many wonderful new friends, thanks to this site, and just sheer luck.

If you want to philosophise on the whole darn thing, just pm me, happy to talk. :slight_smile: