One Step Forward -Two Steps Back....

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1

Why is it just when things seem to be coming together in my life something happens to pull the rug from under my feet.I am a great believer in fate and what will be will be but this is ridiculous and I am getting to the point that I don’t know which way to turn.
To explain- After 21 years of marriage and 25 years together I was divorced in 2004.It had been a rocky road, he was an alcoholic and I ended up giving him the ultimatum -me or the bottle- and he moved out.Six months later he attacked me at home with a bread knife, but luckily I fought him off and he was arrested and we ended up in crown court,He pleaded guilty and was given a community service order.I have to say this was the first time he was ever violent and it was due to a mixture of alcohol and anti depressents and sleeping pills - no excuse though.He was always a mild mannered man and everybody liked him, but they didn’t see what me and my kids did.So after 18 months of panic attacks and loss of confidence I picked myself up ,moved job location and moved on.I met my now hubby and he is totally opposite and we arranged our wedding for 27th Oct last year.Lo and behold day before wedding I was diagnosed -my world was falling apart again, what a start to married life- but he has been my rock and I am convinced my change of job location to where he was based was meant to be and he was sent to look after me.So here we are chemo and op done, due to start rads and have our long awaited honeymoon in July.
So what now happens my 23 year old son has admitted to me that he is using cocaine, he has not been to work since Thursday and I think he will lose his job I have spoken to his dad,who I can now speak to civilly,and he has told me to throw him out.He wanted to speak to him but my son refused,I have always been close to him but his attitude is dreadful,he says no one cares so why should he,and I have not seen him since lunch time today.I feel guilty for some reason but know I will end up telling him to leave as I don’t think I can cope with this right now.
All I ask is for a peaceful life.I have a 19 year old daughter who is totally opposite,has just spent 6 months in Oz and is a delight to be around.Where did I go wrong.
I think I must have been really evil in a previous life to be dealt all this badness in my life.
Sorry for ranting on but needed to get it off my chest.

Take Care

Mary
xx

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Oh Mary,

I don’t really know what advice I could give or what to say. I would have loved to have had children and perhaps if I had I would have had the life experience to offer you some advice. I would say that I am absolutely sure that you weren’t evil in a previous life it’s just the way the dice falls unfortunately!

Denio x

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Mary, Mary, Mary - Reading all you have been through is so sad. What a dreadful ordeal with your first husband. But it is wonderful that you have your strong, supportive new man in your life and your honeymoon to look forward to. Mary, get rid of any thoughts of evilness, either in this life or any other. Sadly, as each and every one of us on this site knows “shit happens”. It’s called life - the good and the bad. Right now, you are in the place I was just a few weeks ago, had surgery, done chemo, waiting for radiotherapy, so a bit in limbo, and probably not at all over the chemo yet. Not fully strong in other words. I am sure that you have been looking at the worst side about what your son as just told you, so perhaps it might help to look at it from another perspective.

There are good things in this situation. You say that you have always been close to your son, and the most important thing right now is that he has told you that he is using cocaine. It may have broken your heart to hear it, but the fact that that channel of communication is open is so important. You just described what you and your children went through with their dad. That has to have had an effect on your son, as does your cancer diagnosis - you have been the stability in your son’s life, and he must have feared losing you. And in a funny kind of way, even though he may think the world of your new husband, that too must have taken some adjustment. Now your son is saying “no one cares”, and perhaps using cocaine has been his form of escape - his protest.

It is very upsetting, but Mary it is not the end of the world. He’s not the first, and he won’t be the last. In his favour he has obviously been holding down a job, up to now at least. Sounds to me like a massive cry for help going on, but as you realise yourself this is a really tough time for you to be having to respond to it. If you can resist the obvious temptation to “throw him out” you might find that as a family you can work through this. You will have to set some ground rules and get help. There are lots of drug agencies and charities that can give you help and advice. Find out as much information as you can, and this includes a calm discussion with your son (minus accusations), about his drug use/addiction. His GP might be a useful first port of call.

It is a rotten thing, on top of lots of other rotten things that you have been going through. But you will get through this as well Mary, and hopefully with your relationship with your son restored. Drug use does funny (unpleasant) things to people and may well explain his recent “appalling attitude”. Take a very deep breath, try to get some sleep, gather your resources…and you will come through this. Very best of luck. The biggest of hugs and please do let us know how things go.
Sarah xx

4

Thanks Denio,
Just felt the need to write it down and unburden myself so to speak, the dice sure never fell on lucky sevens for me did they ha ha

Mary
x

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Sarah
What words of wisdom you give
Thank you

Mary
xx

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Mary - Hope you get some sleep now. Let’s “chat” again soon. Sarah xx

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Don’t give up on your son, as Sarah has said he has told you he has a problem and he needs some support. People do get over these addictions. I had a foster child who got into prostitution due to drugs, she’d had a classic difficult childhood but she’s now working and happy. We all need to be given second chances and sometimes even third and fourth ones

love

the mole

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Oh Mary,
I am so sorry,
Life is sure never straightforward, but you can and will get through this!

Your poor son has probably been to hell and back with all this and now needs your help more than ever, I know my daughter has been in the most intense state since my dx.

She is thankfully older and able to cope more, you have been through so much Mary and done SO well, so try to get this problem into perspective, I`m sure it will resolve itself soon.

On a personal note my daughter has announced she is having baby no 3.They are putting the blame squarley at MY feet! It has been really strange because she has been in such a state over me, that she has got to 3 months without realising it!! Hard to believe , but true!!

What a year!
This B.C. has a lot to answer for!

I know things will just work out for you, Mary,
Take care,
Lots of love,
Janx

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Mary I am so sorry to hear that your son has confessed to using cocaine. I’m sure it is a great shock to you and you will be worried out of your mind. No doubt, like when you 1st got dx with bc your mind will be running away with you and you will be imagining all sorts of scenarios and this will not be helping you. As others have said the fact that he has come to you and told you of his drug use is a step in the right direction. To me this says that he trusts you and he wants help. Sit down with him and talk it through, there will be a way forward.

I know exactly what you mean about one thing after another - I’ve been like that since 30th Nov last year, I won’t go into all the crap that I’ve been dealing with as car crashes and overdrafts are nothing compared to cocaine use - but it was a case of one thing got sorted and another nasty surprise jumped up and bit me on the ass. You feel that you can’t cope but you do … it’s what we women do best, we just get our heads down and keep loughing fwd. It’s not easy I know but we do it.

I think your ex-husbands suggestion of throwing your son out is not the best advice. Speak with your GP and see what help there is for your son and take it from there.

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Hi Mary,
so sorry to hear about everything you have said. Although things seem bleak and and like a huge rock weighing you down please don’t give up on your son. It is hard enough to cope with something like this when you are well nevermind all the stuff we go through “on the rollercoaster”.
Having said that I can identify with a lot of what you say as I had problems similar when my son was small.
My son who is now 22 went through a terible time when he was 17/18 ,got in with the wrong crowd, ended up in police hands, court etc (can’t go into details) got over 200 hours of community service.
It was a really upsetting time and I worried myself sick.
Now I am proud to say he has turned his life around, realises what a gullible wally he was ,won’t ever get into that situation again, settled down , works full time -incredibly hard and has a rented home which he shares with his new wife and new baby.
There is no easy solution to any serious situation but what your son needs to hear is that you love him even if you hate what he is doing.
Don’t go on a guilt trip either…put those bags down right now as you have enough to deal with in your own right. it is his own mistake and we have to learn from them ourselves .
If you can honestly say that you did the best you could do in bringing him up then that is all we can do,
very best wishes to you,
love
kay.

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Mary I’ve had the worst luck that I’ve known anyone to have.My life has been full of it.When I was diagnosed with bc nearly 5yrs ago I was given a 35-45% chance of 5yr survival and I’m still here and I’m still fine.I feel I’m an extremely lucky lady! About your son- its not your fault that he’s taking cocaine.He can make his own decisions in life,and cocaine can sound like a good decision to him at the time.If he’s asks for your help by all means be there for him,but dont beat yourself up over his chosen lifestyle.My son had a bad drug problem and after years of abuse when he finally managed to kick the habit and find a good job he had a serious car crash which has left him with one arm and a walking stick.God only knows why these things happen we can only work our way through them.I too believe that I’ve been here before - but lord knows what I was up to in my past life!

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Hi Mary

You were kind enough to answer my pleas for help not long ago and I am sorry to hear of your woes - which now make mine seem very small.

Your son sounds like a lovely open and caring boy who has turned to this drug as a crutch for his overwhelming feelings of helplessness in the face of so much emotion. Boys hate to show their emotions at the best of times but they are often much more sensitive than we give them credit for. He needs LOVE not to be thrown out. Just a simple cuddle can help. Inside he is a scared little boy who has lost his Dad (emotionally I mean) and was scared of losing his Mum.

I hope you can all come thru these testing times stronger and happier.

Jo xx

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hi Mary

This is a really hard blow on top of everything but again, at least he has told you and come clean about it. I have a step sister who has had an ongoing problem with addiction that has been really tough on her mum and my dad but after all this time she is finally getting the help she needs and has been clean of drugs for a year and hasn’t had a drink for 4 months. It is a tough a thing to have to go through on top of everything and no-one would blame you if you felt you coudn’t support him as well as you might wish while you are going through your own health issues.

Please don’t feel this has all happened because you are a bad person, the cancer is nothing more than cells that have gone wrong, its not personnal to you and your son is an adult, as is your ex, and they both can, and will, make choices of their own that they ultimately have to live by. Addiction is such a difficult thing to deal with as the person may want help but for some reason just wont accept it and your ex’s problems have obviously impacted on your son in this sad way.

Remember you are a good person, none of this is your fault and you should be able to finish your treatment in peace without all this added stress in your life. Your new hubby sounds like a fine man and your daughter is obviously a great support to you so look at this as the success of your life and I hope your son gets the help he needs with his problems.

Lots of Love
AJxxx

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Hi Mary,

Hope you’re feeling better today. Wouldn’t it be great for the dice to fall on lucky 7’s for all of us!

It never does for me either.

Denio x

15

Hi Mary
sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I think once we are dx with this rotten illness normal everyday problems seen more difficult to deal with.
I have 2 daughters and when their life is running along normal tracks I feel at peace as soon as they have a crisis I feel like oh my god how can I cope with this. But I do and I am sure you will too.
The fact that your son has told you is a very good sign it means he is looking for your help drigs are everywhere today and most young adults have dabbled not a good thing but sadly today it is a fact of life.
Just tell your son o.k. you have tried it now try not to do it again it will destroy your life. Also he could take after his dad and have an addictive personality. Keep the lines of communication open.
Congratulations on your marriage and enjoy your honeymoon. Your son is a grown up if he wont take your advice he will have to learn that you have brought him up and will be there for him but you have a responsibilty to your new lovely husband and he will not be allowed to spoil it.

Love Debsxxx

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sorry just read my post back meant drugs not drigs think I had too much wine at lunch

Debsxxx

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Mary please don’t think that any bad luck, or worse, is some kind of punishment for a past life - not so, sure some people seem to be tested a lot more than others throughout their lives but hey, life isn’t ‘fair’. And nobody knows how anyone else really feels inside, the bowl of cherries that we think someone else is blessed with can be a lot of sour pips to them.

Your son told you - that in itself is positive, surely? I don’t know if you’ve had months or weeks of lies leading up to this, whether he is stealing to afford it - that’s another real problem - but he is grown up enough to decide for himself if using illegal drugs is worth the risks, and only he can decide how he carries on. True, they are everywhere, most senior school kids will know someone who can get coke and far more than that smoke weed. In a way I wish alcohol and cigarettes were equally illegal. Violent crime, hooliganism, graffiti, abusive gangs of youngsters, all these are more likely to be alcohol-fuelled. A stoned hippy is more likely to be giggling at something, or happily dozing. And cigarette and alcohol-related illness puts an intolerable strain on our health service, it’s socially unacceptable but astonishingly legal because of the sordid taxation system. Sorry, that’s my rant. A drugs offence is not to be taken lightly but I think I (risking all sorts of comeback) would rather one of my grown-up kids used cocaine occasionally than got drunk out of their heads all the time. The frequency has to be an issue and dependence is a whole different ball game. There are plenty of youngsters for whom getting very drunk means it’s another normal Friday night. Most don’t. And most recreational cocaine users aren’t addicted either. Easy to say, my kids aren’t experimenters and are probably rather tame compared to some of their friends!

Please, please keep talking - and listening. please don’t judge him, and apart from making it clear that he is involved in illegal activity that can damage his present and his future, and embarrass all who care for him, he really has to work out the rest for himself.

You have yourself, the rest of your family to think about, your delayed honeymoon to look forward to. Don’t shut your son out, make sure he knows how special he is… and take baby steps as you get through this.

Love, Lyn xxxx

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Hi Mary

So sorry for what you are going through and gone through, sounds really tough but I think its a move in the right direction for your son to admit it to you. Its really hard to deal with everything and easy to think why me and life does deal hard blows. Someone once said to me you get dealt with what someone thinks you are strong enough to deal with but Im not sure I agree with this. Im 35 and my husband committed suicide 5 years ago after bowts of depression, then his mum died 4 months to the day afterwards of overian cancer, then my aunt was dx with breast cancer and spread. Then after saying due to family history Ill end up with it when 35, found my lump on 35th birthday. But like you Im sure when you had the problems with your husband you thought you would never deal with everything and life wouldnt be good again, thinks change, you will never be the same and you never get over things but learn to work through them and deal with each day and look at you married to someone lovely and it was meant to be …like our BC you learn on a daily basis to live with it and carry out. Im sure with your strength your son with work through his problems

Thinking of you
Lisa
x

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HI Mary-
How awful that it feels as though it has come tumbling down on you in torrents. Probably even more so as your hopes and anticipation of your honeymoon approaches. I can hardly add to the wisdom of the posts in this thread. No, you are not being punished for a previous life, although it must feel that way. Just like God is not punishing you for anything you have ever done. Life happens. Our breast cancer happened. No one asked for it, and certainly no one deserves it.

While this is your son, he is no longer a child, it seems. And since he is an adult, he will need to be treated that way. As a Mom, the first impulse is to fix it. But really, you cannot. You can love him, and support him as he struggles out of this habit, and be there for him. But you cannot make him do anything.

Haven’t we all learned that with time all things pass – even the most horrible, unbelievably painful things. This crisis will pass too. Please don’t let it take the joy away from your honeymoon or sap your strength as struggle yourself with bc. If you need to cry, to rant to scream, please just let it loose in here; we are you friends and will gladly listen.

Hugs
Emily
xxx

20

Wow what can I say to you all but thank you.I dithered over whether to post my fears due to feeling embarrassed,but knew that all of my friends here would give great advice and support and not judge.
We had a long talk yesterday and he wants to move away and have a fresh start as he feels if he moves away from the people he is with now things will be better for him.His thoughts are that if he is not around it he won’t want it.He has never stolen to fund it.As parents we have always thought we had good morals,we are a good family on both sides and drugs is not something he has seen at home.
My nephew has a pub in South London so he has spoken to him and is moving down there in 2 weeks,he has given his notice into work today.I know my nephew will not tolerate anydrugs in his pub and will certainly not favour him,.He has said that any signs and he will put himo n a train back home.
He knows I will always love him and I think he is doing the best thing, and this way he is moving of his own accord and on good terms.

Again thank you so so much for your comments

Mary
xxxx