not sure how to title this, but am becoming aware that I am in a state of greater sensitivity emotionally since dx ( in May this year WLE and SNB grade 2 idc and DCIS ,er + and clear nodes,rads and tamoxifen) and am not sure I like it,or how I am feeling/behaving. Usually I am quite forgiving and tolerant of other people but I find myself less so these days,much more easily upset and analyse everything. I am ashamed to say that I have very bad feelings towards some of my relations-in-law who effectively ignored what was going on with me earlier this year - if I think of them now I just feel huge resentment.
I hate to feel like this as it’s so negative - am sure I’d let it all pass me by under normal circumstances.
Am wondering if the tamoxifen might be making it worse ?
Just giving you a hug! (((x)))
Katie
Hi Chipper
First of all, don’t underestimate what you have been through. It is still very early days for you and you are bound to be having these feelings.
I felt the same about my mum as you do about your in-laws. From the moment I was diagnosed she didn’t seem interested. My sister was getting a divorce (her own decision - she had met someone else) at the time of my diagnosis and all I heard off my mum was “poor Elaine”. My OH was fuming too because he said you couldn’t compare what I was going through with what my sister was going through - my mum did though and seemed to think she was having a worse time.
I had known the date of my op for a few days but I decided not to tell my mum until she asked me (being bloodyminded!). A group of us had booked tickets for a show and when mum finally asked me if I had a date for my op and I told her when it was she she looked right through me and said “Our Elaine wants me to get a theatre ticket for her”. I stood up and said “she can have mine” and walked off and she still didn’t realise what she had done.
Around last new year it all came to a head and I was planning on going around to see her and tell her I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore! I am her carer too! In the end I realised she is an old woman in poor health so I let it go. My friend said she thinks my mum is “in denial” because she is scared of losing me.
I have to admit I was on Tamoxifen for a few months and it did make me very anxious, so much so that my consultant advised me to stop taking it. That could have contributed to why I nearly blew my top with my mum. Now I can let it all go over my head, whether that is because I have stopped taking the Tamoxifen or just that time has passed and I have put a bit of distance between it all I don’t really know.
People do handle things differently so even if your in-laws seemed to be ignoring what was happening to you it could be that is the way they handle things they find difficult to face.
It might help you to talk to someone who isn’t emotionally involved so you can get all the resentment out of your system.
Sorry to ramble but I hope I have been of some help.
Love
Maude xx
thank you Katie xxx and thank you Maude for your thoughts - I am just not liking how I am really,because it isn’t how I want to be ! The majority of people,especially my friends have been wonderful but I was just rather surprised by the indifference of these inlaws ( it is just 2 people) (other inlaws have been fab)- of course it may be that they didn’t know what to say and I should probably allow for this. I suppose I just ‘feel’ all kinds of feelings since -that a whole lot of stuff is let out since diagnosis. I do have a history of ocd which doesn’t help much. Looking back,shortly before I started tamox. which I was very anxious about,I was on a very short fuse because I really lost it with my mum - I feel very bad about that now but I do think it must be this whole experience stirring things up - not making excuses for my bad behaviour,but… it does help just to say things on here,however incoherently - thanks for listening !
Just thinking Chipper, it’s probably like post traumatic shock!
You (we’ve) all been through such a lot and I reckon it must hit you at the end. I’m in the middle so haven’t had time to think what I’m doing but you’ve got through so much and are nearly at the end (tamox permitting). I can see that after all the appointments it must almost feel like an abandenment (spelling?)no one realises it but those that acknowledge what you’ve gone through, those closest too you, those going through it with you and those not in denial…
Does that make sense?
lots of love to you chipper, think this journey changes us but not for the worse, I personally think it’s probably normal and not the Tamox.
I’m glad to know you’re there for me, you make my journey easier. I’m so less anxious because of tomorrow beacause of what you’ve shared with me and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to catch you at the the end but I’m here now(if that’s any use at all). Bugger those in laws - lets hope they never have to deal with what you’ve dealt with!
x x x
Hi Chipper
I hadn’t really come to terms with my dx (April 08) and had just got on with the treatment. The crunch time came for me when I went back to work in Jan this year (part time at first) - I couldn’t stop crying for all the things I’d lost as a result of my dx, and about what a different person I felt like. Now, getting on for a year since rads I am starting to feel more like me, which is a huge relief. What I’m saying to you is that it’s very early days, give yourself time to get used to the new you, your new reality, and the old you might sneak back in.
There is a big element of people not knowing what to say, and people forgetting to ask how you are as you look well once hair starts growing back etc. My relationship with my parents and sister have certainly deteriorated. They probably feel that they can’t do right for doing wrong. I am probably more open and honest than before (not that I lied before, I just was economical with the truth).
Try to concentrate on the people who you are closer to and who you love. It is true that you really find out who your friends are.
Good luck and hugs
Kinden
x
just wanted to say thank you both Katie and Kinden…I do think you’re right -I just needed to vent a bit ! I did just get on with stuff during treatment and was quite stoical about it all and I look just the same as I always did - no chemo for me,so no hair loss. I just feel bad for feeling so self obsessed and having bad thoughts about people. I think change,good or bad,is something I find difficult actually !
Anyway,your kind and considered words were much appreciated…and Katie-am here for you and hope today goes smoothly.
Hi everyone,
Hope you are all doing OK today. I just wanted to say I totally understand what you are all saying. I was dx in May 2007, mx, chemo, rads and Herceptin and currently on Tamoxifen until 2012.
I too just got on with it but I’m now a lot less tolerant. Yes you definately find out who supports you through the whole journey and who’s just there at the beginning. I don’t waste my precious time giving people a second chance now, if they don’t contact me or don’t know what to say then I certainly don’t waste energy worrying about it, life is too short.
Take care
Veggie
thanks veggie xx
It takes a crisis to work out who or what is important to you and who or what is not. I too have little time for my in-laws after the lack of support they showed me during my “time of need”. My mother in law’s way of helping was to come round for hours at a time where I would make her tea and then pour out all her tales of woe. When I was at my lowest, waiting for the results of the P53 gene which could mean that me and my boys would be at a great risk of developing further cancers, her pearls of wisdom were that I just had to get on with it and not think about it. Having already gone through this type of brush off when my youngest son had cancer and she never once (yes, true) phoned during his treatment to see how he was and been magnanimous enough to give her the benefit of the doubt, I now have absolutely no time for either of them. I think you soon realise who you should devote time and energy for and sod the rest.
Hi Chipper
I can identify with what you’re saying down to the last letter.
If it hadn’t have been for my friends over the last 2 years (dx Sept 07) I don’t know where I’d have been to be honest.
My family, including those closest to me, were much less than supportive and caring.
I don’t know why, and I’ve stopped trying to work it out because I would never have behaved the way they did if they had have been in my shoes. So I’ll never able to understand it.
However, I’ve now come to terms with it and I’m a different person to the one I was before BC.
You are clearly a very caring person Chipper, that means that you put other people before yourself. It comes as a shock when the chips are down and you need love and support and it isn’t there.
You can make all sorts of excuses but none of them wash because whatever anyone else is going through, it’s nothing compared to what you’re coping with.
Like you I became very resentful which made me feel bad about myself. I’ve now sorted my emotions out and realise that there’s nothing I can do about other peoples behaviour. Instead of it making me unhappy I’ve decided to concentrate on what makes me happy, and it’s working.
I haven’t become selfish but I don’t put myself last anymore. If not helping makes me feel uncomfortable or guilty then I do it if it doesn’t and don’t want to do it I don’t. That can be anything from looking after grandchildren to sitting through a concert which isn’t to my taste.
Likewise if I want to do something I do it. I just started dancing classes, on my own, my husband said he’d go and then pulled out an hour before the first lesson. I’m really enjoying it. A year ago I wouldn’t have gone on my own but why should he stop me doing something I want to do? He’s been less than supportive over the last 2 years and downright destructive for some of it, but that’s another story.
Let other people’s behaviour go Chipper, you have no control over it it. Be who you are inside, look after yourself and do the things that make you happy and feel good.
Other people are making you unhappy at present and they have no right to do that. Move on and be happy with yourself.
I’ve rattled on a bit. I hope some of what I’ve said is relevant.
Lots of love and hugs to you. I hope you’re soon feeling better.
Jan xxx
Cathy & Jan - thank you for your imput - it’s very helpful. I do have to say that it’s very few people I have issues with and feel as though I’m being petty and should just let it go. It is specifically my husband’s brother who was I’d say the closest to my husband -he was the one we’d see independently of family get togethers etc and he had been close to him as he grew up,despite quite a big age difference. I think I was just really surprised,then disappointed and quite frankly shocked -I cannot imagine myself not saying anything,offering support,sending a card,ringing up etc if it was ,God forbid,my sister in law. My brother’s wife had an aggressive bc a few years ago with a poor prognosis and although I felt a bit useless and hadn’t a clue about bc really I just wanted to ‘be there’ in any small way to support her and very importantly to support my poor brother who was going through hell.
I think think because I got away without having chemo - which I think does make people think ‘shit,it must be bad’ - & am quite a breezy, cheery,get on with it kind of person on the surface and as I say look completely as I’ve always looked then people assume it’s all ok - which it is in lots of ways.
Am sure I’ll get a grip soon -am just having a wobble. Lots of the time I feel that I am a complete fraud too for getting off relatively lightly - obviously lots of people have it so much tougher so I feel I have no right to indulge in any sort of feelings like this…it’s in my nature to be hyper- critical and very hard on myself and I am trying to not do that !
Chipper
Don’t underestimate what you’ve been through. BC is BC. It’s exactly the same disease just the treatments that are different for different people. The emotions of dealing with it and the aftermath are just the same for everyone to deal with.
Be happy and be yourself
{{{hugs }}} Jan xx
thank you Jan - I appreciate that - bless you x
Hi Chipper
I understand what you mean. I “only” had a mastectomy and didn’t even have to have rads so I feel like a fraud. I only had dcis - not even real bc in some people’s eyes - though I did have a small tumour developing. A good friend said to me she thought I was coping too well and would crack eventually. I just thought this thing has already robbed me of enough - time, my breast, my cleavage - I wanted to get on with my life and not let it take any more from me. What people didn’t see was how I cried myself to sleep some nights (when my OH was away) and how I cried in the mornings when I got dressed.
It does get better though. Be kind to yourself. The people who didn’t/couldn’t support you - that’s their problem!
Six months post mx I went to a party. A friend walked in and I was all smiles waiting for her to come to talk to me but she walked past me mumbling “how are you?” with what looked like a smirk on her face. I was upset at first then I thought “bugger it - if she doesn’t know how to approach me because I have had bc then that is her problem”. Later someone who I hadn’t seen for a while asked me what had happened and I embarked upon the story and I noticed the other “friend” had sidled up to me and was listening. She obviously didn’t know how to approach me herself.
I seem to be hijacking your thread to get rid of my resentment!
Take care
Maude xx
Don’t mean to intrude but this is an interesting thread!
I honestly think that the more people, neighbours, “friends”, and relatives who know about our diagnosis equals less support.They do not know what to say and seem to be embarrassed, as if it’s catching.
Thank god for this forum!
do intrude Jane, and Maude, hijack away !
Hi chipper,thanks for starting this thread.I know exactly where your coming from.I (only) had wle,snb and rads and now Tamoxifen,and my mum and 4 sisters where no way supportive.Not one of them visited,sent a card or phoned after my surgery.Infact my mum only visited once because my cousin brought her.They all seem to think because I didn,t have mx or chemo that I only had a bit of cancer but it,s gone now,I HOPE AND PRAY,so I am fine.I swear if i ever need anyone,I wouldn,t call on them.Anyway chipper,if you need to moan,talk etc,I am here for you.
Take care of yourself,
Ann
can I intrude as well. This is really interesting! I was just about to start a thread along similar lines as, like you Chipper, I have been unhappy at how I was feeling towards people,“friends” though not family. I have been thinking that I should cull several friends as I have been disappointed in their lack of support during this bad time in my life. I also have been very capable and though I am separated from my husband (happily) and have 3 teenage children two of whom have had exams (GCSEs and A2s) during my diagnosis and ops we have managed to pull through together. Just as well as during summer holidays everyone is away having fun and it all felt very isolating. Chemo was dire at the beginning but got better and I just had the last one last week. Yeah!
Anyway I just let off steam a bit today in an email to one friend who has been good and mentioned that certain “friends” have been less than caring and I got a lecture back! She’s right of course to suggest I should be more understanding (!) but I do think it can be very difficult for people who haven’t really ever been touched by bc to understand the implications. And probably being stoical doesn’t help our cause.
It does change us doesn’t it?
Anyway ladies you have made me feel better. Thank you.
Lee x
I used to be a very sociable person, I was always the life and soul of any night out, now when I go out, people say to me cheer up, it might never happen, well it bloody did!!!
I cannot stand people moaning for petty little things and one of the girls I worked with always moans shes tired, shes 22, doesnt know the meaning of tired, I am scared when I go back to work next year I totally lose the rag with staff and customers, probably get sacked my first week back.
thanks girlies for listening, I know you understand
love
Carol xx