I’m 51, got a diagnosis of IDC (9mm mass) plus High grade DCIS 7cm x 2cm, plus 2 lymphn nodes involved.
Strategy is: Mastectomy and full axillary clearance, immediate DIEP flap reconstruction (dates tbc but imminent.)
My house is in a state of disrepair following a subsidence claim on insurance that has taken 3 years so far. There are builders here. There are decorators, we have so much to do before there is a place to recoverd from major surgery. There is furniture displaced all over the house.
I have to call the builders, organise new skirting boards etc etc
My son needs assistance with a uni accommodation application, my daughter needs to navigate clearance or delay uni until next year.
I need to help my siblings sell my father’s property - get it ready for sale etc, we lost Dad last March.
I still work full time and there are so many appointments to juggle
I’m due to have a root canal that might further delay my surgery
With all of this to deal with - I just want to sit and stare into space and I can’t get started on anything! I am still functioning with getting up and dressing and things - but I’m not actually achieving anything - not at work and not at home. I just can’t move.
I understand that I don’t have to beat myself up over not being superwoman - I forgive myself for needing time - but also, I have a very long to do list to make things ready for when I have my surgery - I need movement.
Would love to know your experience or hear your tips for how to get started.
It does seem like you have truly a lot on! So first of all, sit down have a cup of tea and give some love to yourself. Cancer diagnosis alone is major life event that requires so much from you emotionally, your world is falling apart, so it’s very normal to feel frozen. On top of it, you have some major projects to work through, and you want to be there for your children. It is not easy!
I had much less on when I got diagnosed, and I too was struggling with work, and generally with thinking straight… All the appointments are just relentless, and waiting for results each time… I have no words, just want to give you a big hug.
The only advice I can share is - remember that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help. Someone told me ‘if there is one time in life that you are allowed to be selfish - it’s is now (i.e when you have cancer)’.
What helped me was to sit down and put some priorities together, and literally hand over some things to others, so that I don’t even need to think about them. Some questions to ask yourself are: what are your top priorities right now? What would be most helpful to you right now? And is there anyone who can do it instead of you? What will happen if you don’t do it?
can your siblings arrange the sale of the house with only a minor input from you?
can someone else help your child with uni application?
can you take days off on the days when you have appointments, so you don’t need to worry about delays and rushing back to work after?
I personally told hr and my boss about my diagnosis and explained that I’ll be needing loads of appointments, and I’ll need to take time off on a short notice as I have to take the appointments that get offered to me. I also told them that I will continue do do my best, but with the diagnosis, my head is all over the place and that makes me very anxious/worried. They were very understanding, we agreed whom/how I’d handover when I’m not there. This gave me such a relief, and allowed me to stop worrying as much about how well I’m performing, or my reputation, or the fact that I’m not there, and I found I was then able to concentrate much better. I took some days off when I needed it.
it’s best to prioritise your root canal probably, because you won’t be able to do it if you need chemo… But can you talk to your consultant about it and see what they advice - then go with that? Would the op really need to be delayed? Would that make a difference to your cancer etc.?
Thanks for your message - I think you’re right - it’s time to make a list to divide up some of the stuff. Only it feels as though right now, before I go for surgery, I should still be functioning…
Hi Fancyface, I was in a similar situation to you, diagnosed in February following a routine mammogram, it was a shock as I had no lumps or bumps or any suspicions at all, I also subsequently discovered I had a previously undiagnosed heart condition which delayed my breast surgery. I had works going on at home, I was Chair of the local rugby club and one child had just left for Australia and the other had not long moved to Brighton. I did not have time to have cancer! and the diagnoses, appointments and waiting were at times overwhelming. I spent a lot of time wandering from room to room just swearing and not actually doing anything. The thing that helped me was a detailed, specific list, with things I could tick off easily and see progress, literally, put a load of washing on TICK, Hang washing out TICK, call Mother TICK, Request Repeat Prescription TICK, and that made me feel more in control. I remembered that I could eat an elephant, but only one bite at a time! And I also decided to give myself a break, I needed to rest a bit before surgery and would anyone really care if my shed wasn’t painted this year, I am normally very in control and organised and the lack of that was hard, I am learning patience! I have just had the first two rounds of 15 radiotherapys, my surgery went well and my heart condition is under control, all is going well. Don’t put yourself under any pressure to function, this journey is a rollercoaster and you have to go with the flow most of the time. I had heard people before saying be kind to yourself and never really understood what they ment but I get it now, be your own number one supporter and advocate and BE KIND TO YOURSELF, wishing you well on your journey X
With regards your daughter’s uni application. Will her school help with the clearing application if she needs to go in this direction? I work in an independent school, so I know what we offer students on tomorrow’s results day and going forward, but I don’t know how common it is. It may that your daughter gets the results she needs anyway - fingers crossed.
What a lot to throw at you. I’m sorry to hear about your dad. My mantra from the nurses has been ‘put yourself first’ - rubbish at doing it, but it’s the time to do so. xx
Thank you - it does sound like a similar journey - mine was also a routine mammogram, my first one, with no signs or symptoms beforehand. Such a shock.
I rather expected to find myself randomly crying in the car (I do) and getting overly sentimental listening to music/watching films/hugging my children. I expected to feel shock and anger and fear - I expected there to be plenty of recovery - from surgery, from chemo etc but I didn’t expect that I would be stuck for days on end just madly staring at nothing - particularly not before any treatment got underway. It makes me feel a bit as though I’m being a bit overdramatic. x
I don’t think the college will be very hands on tbh. She declined all her offers in the hope that she’ll get a better grade than predicted and get an offer from the uni she really wanted to go to. Urgh - then if she doesn’t get it she’s hoping to take a year out - but obviously there isn’t a plan to improve her chances of getting an offer next year. Mind you - I think if she’s home this next year I might be glad of her company. Hopefully being around me during my treatment won’t traumatise her too much.
Oh I’m so sorry to find you here, but you’ll get loads of support. I think so many people will empathise in that a diagnosis of BC doesn’t stop life happening.
I suppose a lot of us are looking after elderly parents and getting youngsters off to uni or helping them, financially and otherwise to move with work. It never seems to stop does it.
This time is for you to get through this and prioritise yourself. Take things a day at a time, it’s the only way and everything else will sort itself out. When you’re through to the other side, soon enough, you’ll be glad to
pick up your busy life again, it helps to stay busy.
Good luck to all our youngsters for A level results in the morning. Hope they all get what they need and deserve.
Agree with all of the advice you’ve been given. It’s hard to hand over to others (eg siblings, who can do the work but let you know what’s happening) but absolutely necessary sometimes. And really, really hard to accept your children will be ok, but from experience they will. Do you know anyone who could advise your daughter, a friend, who has knowledge of the uni system? Good luck to her today.
Hi, just to let you know that a lot of people choose to take sick leave from the time of diagnosis and not from the time of surgery. Usually this is accepted as fair enough. I did, there is no way I would of had the level of concentration required to do my job and in my role that could be dangerous for others. I had no guilt whatsoever with that and was never made to feel guilty at work for that - in fact it was expected and understood.
Could it be that you are still working as the person putting pressure on you to work is yourself? If it is a sick pay entitlement and financial concern, that is understandable, however, in the grand scheme of length of career vs a few extra weeks off, its important to consider that the long term impact of a few added weeks off is small compared to the added emotional stress and trauma of trying to get through a life-changing diagnosis during those weeks. I used my time productively by hittng the gym to work off the angst. You could argue that I was preparing myself for being in a better position to aid recovery, which can only help to get back to work it a better state in the future, so its a win for yourself and your employer long term.
My advice therefore is quit work and spend some of the free time on exercise- can be just going for regular walks or runs in the countryside, whatever is good for your wellbeing right now. It is no less than you deserve under the circumstances. Sometimes people can be their own worst enemy by trying to hold everything together and be the same despite the diagnosis. Really, now is the time to focus on your needs.
I can only add that universities have student welfare services who should be able to help your son with his application. Get him to ring (a voice is usually better than a email)them & explain your situation…
House - can you prioritise getting the most important rooms to you eg bedroom, sitting room at least functional and comfortable. You don’t have to go into details but could explain you’ve had a cancer diagnosis & have imminent surgery to face. Most people are kind and will try and help… might just speed things up.
Work - be kind to yourself and if you can take sick leave. My head was scrambled when I got my DCIS diagnosis. Couldn’t remember where I’d parked the car some days… Being overloaded and paralysed is a pretty normal response…
Lists are great.some days I write things down I have already done ; )
Mind you - I think if she’s home this next year I might be glad of her company. 
Hopefully being around me during my treatment won’t traumatise her too much.