Hi ladies. Thank goodness for this forum. I have a wonderful, understanding and supportive husband and family, but there are times when only you ladies can help and understand properly. All is well with me, recoverring from a lumpectomy and removal of 2 lymph nodes ( nothing in comparison to some of the stories I’ve been reading), but the worry and anxiety is there, lurching under the surface. Recently, I experienced some pain in the vicinity of my scar (axila). After a few weeks of convincing myself it was nothing, then worrying, maybe it was something, I called my BCN. She arange an appointment to see the doctor, who was wonderful. Agreed it was nothing, but to reassure me she has arranged for an ultrasound scan. All good so far, but when I left the hospital, I went into a total melt down. I live 10 mins from the hospital, but by the time I got home, I was inconsolable. Everything just came flooding back (6 months post op ). I don’t know where it came from. I am moving on with life, and as close to being “back to normal”, as I think I’ll ever be. The emotions just flooded over me. I’m writing this the morning afterwards, and although I’m still a bit wobbly, I realise that this could be the way of things for some time, I just hope to be better prepared for these feelings, and will take my husband with me to all future appointments, for support. It feels like a long road ahead, but, hopefully there are more good days than bad. Hang in there ladies. Your stronger than you think. Love to all
Blubber
Sending you a lovely hug. I am 18 months past surgery and 15 months past end of active treatment. I still get those moments when I get scared but on the whole they are few and far between, the good days far far outweigh the bad, so keep positive xx
Know what you mean about taking someone with you, my lovely friend is coming with me to my first annual oncologist apt for moral support and we all need a bit of that from time to time.
I do not know what I would have done had I not found this wonderful forum, purely by accident, and I was 6 weeks past diagnosis and surgery.
Have a lovely weekend
Helena xxx
Hi Bubbler
I’m a 12 yr survivor now, of two BC’s, one year apart. Did I think I’d get another primary so soon after my 1st - did I ‘eck. Was amazingly positive after the first, recovered quickly and well. But it was another primary, not spread from the first. Just extremely unlucky. However, don’t let my experience worry you. I’d say it took me 5 yrs to no longer worry about secondaries. I am vigilant (my motto), but not psychotic about every twinge and pain. I do have a very understanding Dr. tho’, who’s also vigilant and just likes to “make sure”. My suggestion is - don’t think about the “what ifs or maybe” it’s come back or will do, concentrate on the “what if nots”,and think it wont. If by any chance it does, you can’t do flip about it anyway, but at least you haven’t been living in the fear of it, all the while before.
Loads of love to everyone
Dellywelly xxxxxxx
Hey Bubbler and everyone
I hope you’re doing well, are you?
I neglected to say, in my last message, which was coming across as me being very “strong”, that I’m a great advocate of “sobbing”. Everyone on here, has been through an intensely traumatic experience. Having a good sob is so natural and cathartic. There’s a load of pain to be felt. I’m a great one for letting it out, feel it’s hugely important to let it flow.
And don’t ever feel embarrassed by breaking down, wherever you are or whatever you’re doing. Please allow yourself to grieve for yourself, because that’s what it is, along with confusion, disappointment in your body, and the “Why me” self pity, which you’re entitled to feel, and, crikey, is normal given what you’re going through. It does get easier and less upsetting with time, believe me.
Loadsa love to everyone
Dellywellydingdong xxxxxxxx
Hi Delly my dear how are you? Well, after managing the cancer and being “strong” and “brave”?I am at the sobbing and ranting stage.I feel that during the cancer it was possible to move forward by thinking “only x amounts of treatments and months to go” But now…is this really it?? Why did I not know this?? Forcing myself through work and day to day life with everything sore and aching…and the fatigue! If I stop moving I can barely start again but grinning and baring it outwardly for the sake if others and work when I was so active.Even my daughters have said they cant see me working till pension age but on low income I will have to work as ling as I possibly can.I have some savings so I will have to spend them that I’ve worked hard to save before I would recieve anything.Seems like you have to be very poor or very rich.Dont want to offend, just venting about the continual struggle since cancer to make my life work.
Oh, Treeze. How lovely to hear from you again, my dear friend. :smileyhappy: But I feel so much upset and frustration from you and your post. It’s an ffflippin pig, isn’t it. You vent all you like, girl. But, I’m not great at knowing what people are entitled to, help wise/financially, with the work aspects of post BC. I haven’t worked for the last 12yrs, following BC at 47, have just been living off my own savings and inheritance (would normally have been for my future further down the line, without BC). I haven’t ever bothered to check, because I just presumed, with my circumstances, I wouldn’t be entitled to owt, until my own financial resources are drained.
But things may be very different for you. Have you explored the Moving Forward - Work, Finance and Travel threads?? Have a look on.
I remembered you mentioning your girls and loss of your Dad, from previous posts. But can’t remember if you have a husband/partner in all of this?? And What type of work do you do??
There’s gotta be some kind of advice and help for you somewhere? I hope so, darlin.
Keep me/us in touch with how you’re doing, will you please, even if it’s just to have a good vent/rant. This is such a great place to let go, let rip, share sympathy. But also a great source of practical help from others who’ve experienced the same.
I hope so.
Lots of love to you and everyone else
Delly xxxx
Came on this thread to share my feelings about the highs and lows of kyr emotions after bc today im having one of my days where tears have flowed this time over work return and money worries, my story briefly successfully treated for TN bc wle partial removal of nodes rads for breast and under arm finished jan, a few issues with some joint stuff a breast lymphodema diagnosis and some very uncomfortable rib inflammation from rads and of course the dreadful fatigue still lingers but in all i find that because it saved me from bc its i the price to pay for me and accept it however the emotional roller-coaster is the one thing that plagues me the most it can be very overwhelming at timesand strikes at any time, so my return to work has been delayed and put off, now im as ready as i will ever be to return part time but know financially i will struggle with a much smaller wage, i know how both you ladies feel re savings i too have had to live off mine as i wasn’t entitled to any help during treatment because of them and they have taken quite a dent im 47 next month and know that i have to go back otherwise i wouldn’t survive financially, i was advised that if you have £6000 or below you can apply for benefits and won’t be affected anything over this has a £1 loss of benefit for every £250 over the £6000 pip however is not means tested and you can receive it even if you work it is very hard to fill in forms but worth it if you could qualify.
So yes I am between that rock and hard shoulder of dwindling away my nest egg or going back to work full time when frankly some days i feel really rubbish still so i have decided part time over a couple of days is my way forward x
Went slightly off tangent in that post what I started off saying about the emotional roller-coaster stuff is why does nobody in your treatment time warn you or prepare you for this, i feel like my whole personality has changed because of this experience im much more sensitive than I used to be alot more impatient and keep people i love at an arms length its really difficult for me to be open with people now, i feel like i have changed so much that at times i don’t recognise myself ive always been a crier its always been my release valve if upset or stressed but find it harder reigning it in these days it can be embarrassing and as i explained today it was work and money worries next time it will be something else its not like i cry every day but definitely more than i used to, does anyone else feel like this and that they have changed as a person ?
Ohhhhh, Mishy.
I’ve noted you’ve posted on here and “Need a Kick up the Backside” thread. You’re so understandably and terribly upset. You’re right - why does no-one warn or prepare you for it? Well, reading thousands of posts from fellow women on here does and would, but that’s after it happens. That’s it. You don’t ever read such unless you’re going through it, do you?. I liken it, in a way, to no-one ever prepares you in life, for when you lose someone you love. You have to feel your way through it - and thats painfully. And that’s what you’re feeling - you feel you’ve lost “part of” the person you were, are “mourning” for, physically and mentally. Hopefully just “part of”
But . . . you are still there my dear friend, albeit slightly different and altered by your horrible experiences.
This disease is sadly now a more everyday occurrence than it used to be. You ARE changed from it and, if nothing else, it’s given you an unwanted, unexpected compassion and understanding of others, you probably never had before.
Try not to keep people at arms length (family and friends). I’m sure they would prefer you let them know how you really feel and are. If they care about you, they will and do. And they don’t or won’t ever know unless you communicate it to them. Remember, It’s all an learning curve for them too. I think sometimes we presume, and try to protect those we love, when actually they would rather know, so they can better support you/us, so communicate. It’s also so much better for you, if you can share your pain. Yes, some people will be better and stronger at taking it than others, but it’s those who ARE better, that you can “lean on” a bit, and not take it all on yourself. That means a lot - you need all the help/support you can get. And that’s another thing you have to learn with this - to take and accept support.
I’ve said this on numerous other places on this forum, often the greatest gift anyone can give you, at such a time, is simply the gift of listening. That’s whether they can physically or mentally help you in other ways.
That sounds great, that you’re returning to, are able to, return to work on a part-time basis. Are you a teacher? as you referred to your workplace being a haven for bugs? Or was that just generally?
It’s very late, but I just wanted to reply for now. I’ll reread and review your posts tomorrow.
In the meantime, I hope you can remain strong.
Much love, Dellywelly xxxx
Ah thank you Delly i do need that kick up the back side thread i will jump over i have these moments yesterday was one of them, im a wellbeing and lifestyle coordinator for people living with dementia in a care setting re the bugs!!! Hence my apprehension at an earlier return i was of the mindset how can i look after someone else’s well being when my own wasn’t right i have had some fantastic counselling sessions which have helped me enormously its like you say Delly i need to let people in again i was always the strongest in the dynamics of family life and the freind people leened on so have found it difficult admitting that i need a hug or a ear sometimes i think because i lost my father to lung cancer during my own treatment has made it more difficult for me his diagnosis and passing was very quick between 2 chemo cycles and it was very traumatic for me and my family so they really don’t want to talk about cancer i have taken your advice on board Delly and thank you sometimes an outsider’s opinion really resonates and yes i agree this forum is bloody fantastic it always us to say on here the things we sometimes would bottle up
Today im feeling much better and your post really made sense so thank you again x
Hello Delly darling…lovely to hear from you.I fear I would be in the same position…forced to spend what savings I have until I have little enough to claim, which seems all wrong to me.I’m hoping to keep enough money to help in the future if/when my daughter is hoping to buy a house they can adapt into an annexe for me and I need a bit to help.I dont even get a full pension as I’ve not paid enough NI as only been in part time low paying jobs for a number of years.The infuriating thing is, I WANT to work and feel like I did before…not feel as if I physically can’t.I’m mostly a cleaner which I do enjoy but obviously its physical and I’m on my feet and up and down stairs 4 or 5 hours a day.I also do support work a few hours entailing activities in the community…bus trips, bowling etc.I dont drive so walk or bus everywhere.I have no partner.I’m finally seeing a doctor next week…though Iknow he’s not a sympathetic one…to see if maybe I can get something for the pain and fatigue though no idea what?? At the moment I have tendonitis in my foot so finding it difficult to get about…probably as I walk funny with my painful ankles and knees!?Jeez I need putting down!?xxx
How lovely you are to think about me!! Xxx
So sorry to hear of your losd Misha.I feel counselling would do me good…if my dreams are anything to go by! I cant afford private and imagine its a long wait on nhs? I know its an awful thing to say but am afraid of going down that root at gps in case they label me and say all the pain “is in my head”.
In the words of Tiny Tim (I too am now a crier and this always gets me) “God bless us…every one”.
Treeze i accessed mine through the local Maggies organisation they have really been fantastic if you have one or a similar organisation i bet they would see you its actually not just for when you are having treatment and is there for family affected by cancer they have bereavement sessions too, financially its horrible having to use whst you were so careful to put aside i have spent a lot of my savings since last May as i only got ssp fir a little while and was told i couldn’t claim due to savings so had to use them , however Treeze you can still access some if you have under £16,000 but not a lot its means tested im trying to salvage some of mine by the work return ? good luck abd i hope you can get some help in the form of talking therapy and maybe some financial support of some description even if just a little, Delly thank you for your pep talk it really has made me think about things x take care ladies x
Yeah Treeze I also know what you mean about GPS not taking you seriously in future im sure there are other cancer centres similar to Maggies across the UK who will be able to help you x
Hi Bubbler. I do totally understand how you are feeling. I had a lumpectomy/2 lymphnodes removed in December followed by 15 days radiotherapy. I Have been told that I am cancer free now and just need the regular yearly mamograms. But, for some reason I find myself crying when I am on my own thinking about what has happened. I ask my self ‘why, am I crying’ after all, I am one of the lucky ones, cancer free! But still the tears keep coming.
I was watching a programe recently on TV (the real full monty) with Coleen Nolan and other celebrities preparing to bare all…for breast cancer. When a couple of the celebs were talking about what they have been through, I was in bits. Sobbing into my husbands arms. They were saying exactly how I felt and was feeling. I have no idea where the emotions came from, they just emerged.
I guess that emotions after something like breast cancer can be volatile and change at any time. We are all here for you, we all understand your feelings.
Fab post, Bubbler & so glad for you. Yes, it was certainly good news about the recent Oncotype research evidence.
Onwards & upwards!
ann x
Sometimes it does you good to cry too it’s a form of release or relief I’m glad you have a supportive family that’s you fist aid. Have you tried joining a group I go to secondary breast cancer group with ladies who are in the same boat it does me good to talk to them because they truly understand the feelings I have. Good luck to you and keep your chin up. 
Hi Everyone
I remember that day being diagnosed, that horrible feeling inside hearing those words that you’ve got cancer, never did I think would be here to tell the tale, the amount of emotions that runs through you, the beginning was awful, your frightened of everything, was so frightened stayed of the internet, treatment begins, slowly get there never back to normal though! Start getting upset at what’s on tv, a few years passes you start feeling a bit braver then you watch The Real Full Monty and when you start hearing what they say your crying or a sad film comes on you start crying again, but it’s a bit different. It’s good from time to time to let it go. This group is so good everyone all understands each other. Getting a diagnosis does change us, none of us now takes life for granted, onwards and upwards for each and everyone of us, we sure at least deserve that. Try and stay strong.x