Partner Has Left Me, Devastated

Hi, I haven’t used these forums so much since I finished my treatment which was September, I had a couple of wonderful holidays and bought a gorgeous house with my partner just before Christmas, had a clear mammogram in January and have been enjoying my life and looking to the future… and today my partner has told me he is leaving me because he’s “not been happy for a while” won’t give me any more info than that and isn’t prepared to talk it through or discuss a way to try and make it work.

I now wonder whether he had been harbouring these feelings before my treatment ended and has just been biding his time to get away, even on a subconscious level. Cancer was a very stressful and worrying event for me and everyone around me but of course he could never really have shared his fears with me where I was the cause of that. But I do wonder whether my illness and the way it affected my appearance and my personality has been too big a strain, too early on in the relationship and whether this is commonplace and how the hell do you come back from this?

Him dropping this on me was not as bad as the day I received my diagnosis but it is a close second. Something else I have in common with Kylie, eh.

Claire

So sorry to hear this Claire. Is there another family member who could talk to him to persuade him to discuss things with you, not necessarily to change the outcome, but so that you have a chance to understand what’s going on?

Sass xx

Hi Clara, would you or both consider counselling? My marriage was just about on the rocks because of how disfigured i felt after my mastectomy and my Gp referred me to a psycho sexual therapist. I was very sceptical at first but it has worked wonders for me. I will never have 2 boobs again but at least i have a understanding of the issues i have had to face because of bc and also the effect it has had on my husband.
Is it something you think he would consider trying before he makes his final decision? Bc changes us in so many ways and although we see the physical ones everyday the psycholigal ones are often hidden away and we become too fearful to be open about them.

I hope things work out for you Claire,sending you HUGS.
Marionxx

thanks for replies

He has finally opened up enough to tell me it is the amount of time I seem angry or stressed, often about trivial things, that has been wearing him down. I was this fun loving, carefree sparkly person and he said the day my treatment began was the day he lost “his Claire” and I am so sad because cancer has definitely been a big part of my being stressed and angry and then we moved house which is the most stressful event in the world (with hindsight I should not have thought of moving house while I was still in treatment I took too much on) and I have sort of become used to being angry and stressed…

I’ve actually arranged to see a therapist tomorrow I have nothing to lose. He is pleased about that, says the fat lady has not yet sung but no idea how he will feel once he takes time out (he is leaving tonight, going to his parents’ but just taking a selection of clothes for now and we will be having a break at least the next 2 weeks)

We were together just over a year and a half when I got diagnosed and we have been together just under a year and a half since treatment began so it is a relatively long time for me to have been such a different person, albeit temporarily, compared with the relatively short time we knew each other beforehand. If we had been together 20 years before I was diagnosed it would not have made it less unpleasant or stressful but at least he would be able to think a year and a half of me being a bit different was not the “real” me.

Thanks again xx

Oh Clarabel, that sounds much more hopeful. Best wishes with it all; you sound as though you are doing exactly the right things.

Sass xx