Hi all, I am totally new to this and am slightly struggling. My partner has received 2 sessions of chemo so far and it breaks my heart to see her going through this. We have a further 6 to do every 3 weeks. Friends and family are great, but often you have to be strong in front of them… how do others in similar situations manage?
I’ve just registered here as I too am struggling with being the partner of someone with breast cancer. I have no words of wisdom for you but have seen my partner go through her chemotherapy, 6 sessions, and then radiotherapy, 3 weeks and she is now having herceptin every 3 weeks and will do so until September! All I can say is that you will get through it. For us it was a grind. And that’s what we do, we grind through the days and weeks.
I managed fairly well early on, she was diagnosed last January, but as time has gone on it has sucked all of the life out of me. It is difficult because obviously the person with cancer who is undergoing treatment is the one really suffering and there is a feeling of guilt for me if I have any negative thoughts/feelings. Perhaps you feel the same? As you said “…you have to be strong in front of [others]”. I think it is common for partners to take on this role and neglect their own feelings. I am trying to be more honest with myself and anyone who asks now but am absolutely worn out by it all.
I would say that if you have friends you must talk to them about how you feel.
Good luck!
Hi Ital71 and theloner.com, welcome to the BCC forums
I am posting a link to the BCC 'In it together ’ publication which has been written for partners of those diagnosed with breast cancer, I hope you find this helpful:
Oue helpliners are also here to offer you further support and information, they can also talk to you about our one to one support service which you can read more about here:
breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-services/someone-talk/one-one-support
Best wishes
Lucy
Hugs to both of you, and thank you for being such caring partners. There are a few other partners who post from time to time who will probably be along to say hello.
The disease doesn’t only affect the person with the tumour, it blows holes in the entire family. Those of us who have it worry about our families as much as they worry about us. That ends up with everyone trying to “be strong” for everyone else, when what would bring most relief is admitting our fears to each other, having a hug, and a cry, and another hug, and then a laugh, with the shared understanding making us stronger even when we have stopped trying to “be strong”.
Best wishes to both of you (and to any other partners who might be reading but not posting).
CM
x
Hi Ital71 and theloner.com
I went through what you are both going through now and it is a difficult situation for partners as you do not know what to do for the best.
I kept everything bottled up if im honest and tried to deal with it all on my own but I can tell you from experience that you cant do it. I did come on this forum eventually but by then the damage to our relationship was severe and we eventually drifted apart and are no longer together. I hope that at some point in the future that will change once we have both had space.
So the good thing for you both is you have taken a good step by coming on here and you can be as open and honest with everyone and if you want to vent your frustration then do it on here rather than with family or your partner.
Couple of good books to read that may help you understand things a bit better “Say Blah To Cancer” and “Breast Cancer Husband”. Again I read them far too late but they will give you an undestanding of what your OH is going through and some of the thought processes and emotions that may come out.
I have also asked the site if they would consider having a “live chat” for partners etc once in a while as I think that would help people as well.
Give me a shout if I can help in any way.
Paul
Hi and thanks to those of you who have posted for your kind thoughts.
I don’t want to hijack Ital71’s thread but did want to comment on homerboy’s post. My partner and I have had some humdinging arguments this last year as we take our frustrations out on each other. We have been within a hairsbreadth of splitting up to be honest but are hanging on in there. I don’t think you should underestimate the undercurrents and ripples that living with cancer creates. For me I am here to chat and express my feelings which I haven’t been able to do previously. So I guess I should start my own thread…back to you Ital71.
Hi theloner
You are correct, it does put a huge strain on relationships. As I mentioned for me it was unfortunately too late and the relationship broke down. We had some humdingers of rows to as the frustration got the better of both of us.
You have done the right thing by coming on here. take your frustrations out on here and rant as much as you want and you will be in a far better place then to deal with your OH.
I found I became very angry as well. not at anyone in particular but just at the cancer itself.
Maybe one thing you could do is book a weekend away when your OH is due to finish her treatment. That way at least you both have a goal to aim at?
Thinking about the weekend away thing, I suggest you take a look at the calendar and see if you can do a gentle weekend DURING chemo, on her “good” week which is usually the third week after treatment. By the time she gets to the end it might be just too much and she might be a bit too knackered to enjoy it. Me and OH had a lovely weekend after FEC3 or 4 and it was just what I needed to give me the boost to get through the rest of it.
Hi everyone, another BC Husband here. We are rather further trough, with my wife having completed treatment nearly a year ago now.
I think Chemo was one of the worst bits - taking someone for a treatment that will make them feel crap.
Trying to make the most of her good days.
I don’t know about you guys, but we have two young boys. That just added to the challenges. At diagnosis they were three and seven.
The plus side - I think I am closer to the boys now. Having periods where I was getting them up, ready and to school as she was not well enough, then bringing them home afterwards. At least works were flexible with me!
Paul,
Tired, tired, tired. If I didn’t have enough on my mind work is absolutely manic at the moment! Anyway, we do intend to have a holiday after everything has finished but as that’s probably next year it’s a bit of a way off. During Chemo we did have a week in Cornwall but that wasn’t a success as she was too ill to enjoy it. With hindsight a week was probably too much but we were desparate to do something/anything, the trouble is cancer goes everywhere you go. We are having another attempt in a few weeks time, this time two nights in a hotel with the aim of doing absolutely nothing except eat, drink and sleep. Fingers crossed that we get something out of this. She is mostly positive in that she wants to do stuff and be as normal as possible but the downside is that it’s very stressful and tiring.
@LargerBloke. Think I know what you mean about your boys, a challenge yes but also a distraction and a chance to get closer. I have a son of 10 but he lives with his mother as we are separated. I do not see him as much as I would like which adds to my stress.
Ital71, are you coming back to tell us how you are getting on?
Weekends are good, expect little and any extra is a bonus.
I know what you mean about being unable to escape it.
You don’t say what chemp regime she is on. If you are going to have different regimes, it may be worth looking at a weekend just before the change. That way you are dealing with something that while crap, at that point you will better know what effect to expect when, and realistically when she may be more able to enjoy.
My wife was 3*EC then 3*TAX. The EC mainly made her nauseous, and the impact was pretty quick - the peak started around 12 hours after treatment. The effects from TAX were mainly about three days after the treatment, so a weekend planned for day three after the first dose would have been disappointing.
It is tiring, and you want to look like you are coping to your OH, and you really don’t want her to feel she is being a burden.
Paul.
My stock answer to “How are you?” is usually, “Yeah, I’m fine” when I’m far from it.
To answer your question my OH has just, today, had her sixth dose of herceptin out of eighteen. She’s already had six sessions of chemo and three weeks of radio. Herceptin has been described as Baby Chemo which is pretty much what it is. Eighteen sessions equates to 54 weeks of course so it’s a bit of a long haul.
We lost her daughter-in-law to Cervical Cancer in November 2010, aged 29, and she was diagnosed in February 2011 so it’s been a double whammy for her and her son.
What a life eh?
Indeed 
I also know the line about being OK only too well.
My wife’s cancer was triple negative, which means no herceptin, Tamoxifen or whatever to help restrict recurrence, but it does mean a line under treatment much sooner.
Paul.
Well, the original poster hasn’t got back to us yet. Any other partners out there want to join us?
Hi Largerbloke/The Loner
My OH was also Triple Negative and whilst there treatment concludes sooner I think there is also the worry that it is more agressive nad not controlable by steroids etc?
Paul
Hi Paul. In the words of our Oncolgist, Triple negative gets a bad rap.
Overall, I think it works around evens.
On the down side, it has a reputation for being more aggressive, and there are fewer long term treatments to help control it.
On the plus side, it tends to be more responsive to chemo, and you get a line under treatment sooner. Some ladies have treatment that lasts up to five years. One can also feel a little less guilt about the use of hormone based contraceptives, or whether or not one has had children.
We must always remember that the information freely available to us (especially on the internet) is a little out of date, and that treatments and approaches are constantly being improved and refined.
Paul.
Hi all
Just signing in to what looks to be a potential partners’ gathering. Never posted on the forums before, but I read them daily and keep up with my wife and friends’ shared experiences.
Were halfway through her 3xFEC 3xT regime, after which she’ll get a month off then three weeks of radiotherapy. She was diagnosed in August '11, MX September and started chemo in November.
We’ve got three boys (10, 8 & 5) and my work are being great about giving me whatever time I need, but family are all many miles away and - yes - I’m just starting to flag a little. Chrtistmas was particularly sh*t and if I never have to another “how’s things?” enquiry with my usual line of meaningless wiffle then it won’t be a day too soon…
r.
Hi paul
Yes you are completely right.
I have tried to assure my OH about this but she is still scared senseless. I think that is one of the reasons that we split up as she is terrified and thinks about nothing else.
Paul
I can understand the fear. The scary bit for me is the realisation the the fear may never totally go away.
It is particularly awkward at times like Christmas. As I say, we are a little further on than you guys. My wife had surgery 23rd December 2010. Christmas was a little subdued that year
Paul.
So do all you guys have deep and meaningful conversations about cancer and what if? We talk about it but it’s mostly practical stuff and trying to be positive, I think we’re now in a bit of a rut with it but it’s difficult to know what else to do? You live the life you can under the circumstances. Occasionally when things get a bit fraught she breaks down and wishes that she could die ‘now’ to get it all over and done with. Of course, she could live to be hundred. We just don’t know. Hopefully in a year, with Herceptin behind us, she can begin to recover and we’ll get our lives back. Hope you lot do too.