Please don’t judge me Hi all I’ve recently been diagnosed with ILBC am I’m a dark place and I’m so scared and worried I had an MRI yesterday and don’t see my consultant till next Thursday to get results and treatment plan I’m drinking to much wine but it seems to be they only way I can sleep, when I go to bed I have horrible thoughts and feel panicky about the future sorry for putting this on here but I feel I’m lost xxxx
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No one will judge you! I also coped initially by having a few extra drinks although now I’m actively trying to cut down on my alcohol intake. I used to have a few 3/4 nights a week, I have a stressful job and so alcohol was my way of winding down. I have now reduced this to one night a week usually Friday when I have some wine. I’ve recently completed radiotherapy after a lumpectomy. One thing I’ve decided is life is short and not guaranteed and while I do want to be healthier and not have a recurrence I also want to live my life and enjoy it. Hope that helps the waiting is the worst stage and you do whatever you need to to get through it.
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Oh sweetie. No one will judge you. You do whatever you need to do to get through this time. And whether it is any consolation right now, this is the worst of it, the before diagnosis/information gathering time. After it’s all done and you get your plan, the awful panic and anxiety begin to subside. It comes back at various times but it never quite hits the level that it is at the beginning. So just hang in there until you move past this point. Hopefully they’ll get done quickly and you can start treatment. Also know that despite this truly being an awful diagnosis that most of us end up cured. Breast cancer has one of the best prognoses out there. So many hugs sent your way!!!
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Hi
I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. As the others have said, no one will judge you. You have to do what feels right for you. All of our emotions are all over the place when we first get diagnosed and are waiting for results. You are not alone.
I found a lump in the right boob and they did an MRI for sizing to decide if chemo was before or after surgery. The curve ball was that they found a tumour in the left boob as well. Had double lumpectomy, chemo with Herceptin (which continues til Sep 2024), radiotherapy, Letrozole and Zoledronic acid infusion. Side effects are not great. I actually stopped drinking during chemo as it didn’t taste great and make me feel iffy, my body was dealing with the drugs and didn’t need the alcohol. I haven’t bothered to drink alcohol since.
If you feel like talking to someone who understands breast cancer the BCN nurses are available
- Helpline: 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm). Speak to our trained helpline team. No questions are too big or too small.
- Ask Our Nurses: You can message our nurses here on the forum, or confidentially. Whatever you prefer.
MacMillan helpline opens at 8am
And if you need to talk to someone tonight
I hope you have someone you can speak to and help you try to understand how you feel.
The forum is here for you and there are so many lovely people on here.
Take care 
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Thank you for your kind words, my husband is my rock and has been great but you guys on here have all been there and understand the feeling of the uncertainty and despair I posted a few weeks ago about not knowing whether to tell my kids as my 17 year old daughter has anorexia which is another huge worry I have but I’ve decided to tell my kids after my appointment next week honesty is the best policy. I feel so alone and helpless and the waiting is worrying too thinking about the cancer and what’s going on inside my body while I have to wait xx
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Hey @springtime1
The waiting is truly awful - some of us think it’s the worst part of the whole wretched thing - hopefully it will be a bit easier when you get your plan . If you can cut down your alcohol intake it would be better for you for your treatment etc but nobody is going judge you for having a few glasses of wine just to help get you through - we have all been there and know what it’s like and anyone who hasn’t doesn’t have the right to judge. I’ll be thinking of you today xx
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No one will judge you! This time is truly awful and you do what it takes to get through it. Try to think of the positives and cling on to those thoughts - keep reading stuff on here.
I have a mastectomy and node removal in the 18th - all very scary - I’m actually drinking and binge eating loads of crap food. I know that won’t go on forever but for some reason doing my ‘normal’ things seems wrong.
Keep going, hang on in there. You will get through this xx
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Hi @springtime1, this is a no-judgment space. You can express how you’re feeling, and you’ll find support of your community.
I am sorry you’re in a difficult place.
I suggest you speak to our nursing team, on freephone 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm). They are entirely non-judgmental, and whatever you’re going through or want to chat about, they’ll listen and make suggestions. You can go at your own pace, and no question is too big or soo small.
You can find more info here: Contact our nurses | Breast Cancer Now
Sending you our warmest wishes
Bernard
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I’ll be thinking of you on the 18th.
I’m post chemo and radiotherapy but I still eat chocolate as a it’s something I enjoy, unfortunately my waistline is not so happy. I’m trying to add more exercise but have to listen to my body and as you say it’s not forever. We all do whatever we can to get by.
Take care
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Hi @springtime1
So pleased you have your husband for support. My husband took me to all 12 chemotherapy and 5 radiotherapy and all the clinics. He’s just muddled through as well as full time work. I know it’s been hard on him to watch me go through all of this do I’ve tried to get him to talk to someone but he’s not ready for that.
I think I may have commented on your thread about your daughter. I’m so pleased you have decided to share with her once you get your treatment plan.
Remember the forum if here for you.
Take care
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So sorry that you are feeling so low. The night is the worst when all is quiet and there are no distractions. Dark thoughts and scary dreams take over. I often spend the night downstairs with the TV on quietly as the only way to get any sleep.
We all have to do what works for us to get us through each day and night. For me it’s comfort eating sweet things - sweets, biscuits, cake so have put on weight.
It’s a lonely time but we are all here for you and certainly won’t judge. Thinking of you and hoping your appointment next week goes well. xxx
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My weakness isn’t alcohol - it’s food and I’m guilty of binge eating as well when I’m stressed. Because you’re stressed it could be that your body thinks it needs lots of energy as if you were preparing to run . I would say that exercise can help with stress levels as well and I found limiting my caffeine intake was helpful . I do Yoga and mindfulness which were also helpful there are videos on YouTube re diaphragmatic breathing which some people have used . Try to do something every day that brings you a little joy - even if it only lasts for a few minutes . My worst time of day was the evening and thinking of that one nice thing that had happened that day would help me get through to the next day when I would do another nice thing .
With love xx
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As everyone has already said, nobody will judge you here. We’ve all been where you are now. We all have our coping mechanisms. My partner and I used to have a glass of wine with our meals each night. Since I started chemo last December I found the taste horrible and decided there’s no point drinking it for the sake of it out of habit if I’m not enjoying it. My partner has decided his own health needs an overhaul and is happy to give it a miss too.
My final chemo was 9 days ago and my taste hasn’t returned to normal yet, but there’s a couple of Easter eggs on the side waiting for when I will appreciate them!
When you have your plan it’ll be all systems go! Good luck and take a day at a time x
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Hi @springtime1 no judgement at all, its a stressful time and we all do what we have to to get through. I also was diagnosed with ILBC last year. I was knocked sideways by it all and scared and every other emotion under the sun. The waiting is so hard but once you get a plan it’s a little easier to deal with. Be prepared though - I wish I had known a little more about ILBC. I initially was told it was 2cm. Then after MRI I was told it was 4cm ( no lymphnode involvement thankfully) , then after mastectomy it was actually 7cm. I didn’t realise this was a possibility so each time they kept telling me it was bigger than they thought I was a bit freaked out. But I now understand this is common with this type of BC because it forms in a web and not always visible. And lots of people with ILBC have similar stories. But, here I am, 10 months on post chemo and radio, looking forward to the future. And I wish you all the very best for your appointment next week. Take care xxx
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Hi @springtime1 - people will not judge you as one thing we find is that anyone can get bc and the time before treatment is so difficult so you need to cope the best way you can. I found having one good friend to offload to helped, or indeed your husband as he sounds very supportive. I’ve just had my op after 2 months of wondering and getting my head round it and I can honestly say I now feel lighter, both physically (now the *&£# has gone!) but also mentally. So you will get there … and the people on here are wonderful. So let us know how you get on and be kind to yourself 
By the way just to add, yoga really helped me but I am prone to eating too many biscuits/chocolate/cake. Alcohol doesn’t work for me but (packets of) biscuits do! I’ll try to manage that better now! I’m not one to judge!
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Waiting is the worst part! So enjoy your wine and don’t beat yourself up. I found too it was only way to sleep. I am trying to cut back now that I have the plan. One tip to help sleep is turn down your phone display at night as the bright lights are like caffeine and if you are like me I reach for it too quickly when I can’t sleep. Other thing worth trying is acupuncture I never did it before but night after had the best sleep.
Best of luck with your results xx
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I hit the booze too , was the only way I could dampen down the horrible anxiety but when it wore off in the middle of the night the anxiety was even worse 
I think most of us have been a gibbering anxiety ridden mess at some point in the first few weeks .The good news is that phase does pass quite quickly and you will feel calmer and in control again , the first few weeks are Hell though - survive it however you can .x
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Hi, I’m sorry you are in this position and it’s a Sh.t time. I found the period you are in so so stressful. I felt so alone, I wasn’t but I didn’t find these forums for a good 6 months. I tried to be brave to the outside world but inside I was a mess but it does get better. I still have bad days but far more good days and life will get better for you too.
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Yes I didn’t join this forum having had a bad experience with a forum for another condition and I felt very alone even though I had supportive friends family and partner . At one point I felt like I was losing my mind and I thought it was just me - I would have felt less alone if I had been on here then . Xx
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So sorry for your situation, but girl, there should be counseling staff at the cancer clinic you go to. If you dont know, call & find out. I would think most places would have at least a therapist or 2. So hang in there. After the ball gets rolling things will improve. I was diagnosed with ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma) in Sept 2022. It hit me blindsided because i had no symptoms whatsoever. That’s just how sneaky it is. I was also told that it is hard to detect, very evasive. Fortunately i was in stage 1 when found. Many biopsies & left mastectomy 2 months later followed by 4 chemo sessions & no radiation was needed! (I dont know if I would have agreed to that anyway.) I had initially opted for reconstruction but the tissue expander deflated same day as surgery so i told my doctor to get it out. He did 2 weeks later. Results were excessive scar tissue that Im still dealing with nerve pain but a medication is managing that pretty well. Im thinking the nerve pain is related to post-surgical pain syndrome. I was wanting to get to the bottom of it as to the cause. Im thinking nerve-entrapment. Ive read that additional surgery could be needed to free the nerve(s). But more surgery = more scar tissue. So im at a loss as to what to do. I even went to a neurologist in hopes of finding chronic pain cause but i was referred back to my breast surgeon instead.
Finally, last year i was declared in remission by my oncologist. In my heart i know that i was healed by God. He got me through it. Praise Him! (‘What God brings you to, He brings you through!’ Make THAT your montra & believe with your entire being. Much love, Christie in Texas.