Hi,
I’m 3 weeks post mastectomy and never imagined the types of questions I’d be asked from friends and coworkers. I’ve answered truthfully, but felt uncomfortable doing so. I wasn’t ready I guess and that’s my own fault for not expressing that but I’m just in disbelief at how specific the questions are.
Did you get to keep your nipples?
What size cup will you be?
What size implants did you get?
Did you go for the size Ds?
It’s ridiculous. What do you say when people do that?
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Yes some of us on here have had to deal with these inappropriate questions and comments . Some people don’t know how to deal with cancer so they just make light of it with others there’s a sort of unhealthy curiosity . They may even think they are helping you by " normalizing" it - we all know that what you have been through cuts much deeper than your surgery that but to others it’s what it boils down to. . The women may be wondering what they would do in your situation as regards implants etc. I’m thinking that if they were really good friends they would have a bit more sensitivity though I once almost bit one of my friends head off when she told me to think positive.
Normally you wouldn’t discuss your body parts with some people but when everyone knows there’s a problem somehow it’s becomes a subject that people think is ok to discuss openly. There is an endless fascination with health or the lack of in my experience .
I understand why you answered these questions frankly as when you’re feeling a bit shocked by something someone has said quite often the only response that comes out is the truth . I did something similar last week though not in relation to cancer . Maybe the questions and comments will be done with now but next time someone asks something you’re uncomfortable with could you just say you’ve had enough of talking about it now . You could make it humourous and ask them how they are and if their piles are playing up right now or something - hopefully this might help them understand that the status of your chest is not up for public discussion. Xx
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Hallo @kb3327
Well done you for getting through the surgery. I hope that you are recovering from that, and from this experience as well as you can.
I wonder if it might help you to be very boundaried, and give some thought beforehand as to what level you are comfortable to share, and with whom. I surprised myself by reacting quite strongly when I felt the questions were inappropriate, insensitive, or even just asked when I wasn’t prepared to answer them!
Maybe a prepared phrase like “ I don’t want to talk about that at the moment”, “that’s private”, or similar, might help you to feel that YOU are in control, which as we all recognise, can matter so much when we are in this “out of control” journey.
Nobody can force you to share more than you are happy to. Protect yourself, and of course, be very kind to yourself.
Wishing you the very best xx
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That’s disgusting… what’s wrong with people? It’s not cosmetic…
Say ‘no I’ve gone for the fried egg look… like you did!’ 
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I am sorry to hear you have been asked these questions - such very rude questions and the people asking them should be ashamed. And please don’t feel like you have any fault. They should have respected your privacy and be supportive rather than inquisitive.
I hope your recovery from surgery goes well and as smooth as can be. Be kind to yourself. Hugs.
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lol that would’ve been great
Whaaaaaaat? WTAF? Sorry for swearing, I am fuming. What has it got to do with them? Not even my closest friends and family asked any questions like that before, during, or after my mastectomy in early 2021.
Quite frankly, I would have told them to shove their heads up their bottoms. And where are their compassionate questions about how will you be, how will you manage post op, your recovery, next steps etc etc etc?
What would I do? For your so-called friends, because I’m that type of person, I would lift my top up and show them. That would stopped them in their tracks and I hope really really embarrass them, adding “Happy now?” Then drop them.
Co-workers I’d complain to HR.
I’m so sorry you’ve had these questions even as I type in the above I am still gobsmacked at people’s utter insensitivity.
I hope you are recovering well and the next stage of your treatments goes well.
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Hi @kb3327 i could have written this myself (altho now I’m further along in the process going thro chemo I’m having things like “are you going to shave your head”). Friends not so much co-workers but it makes me anxious to then have conversations with people about how I’m feeling because I feel like I am just waiting for them to ask me about something i don’t want to talk about. Another one is staging, my hospital and a lot now I think don’t use the staging, I do happen to know my stage for an insurance claim but everyone seems to want to know my stage too. Why do they need to know?! One friend who asked for real specifics to do with my mastectomy and I said “I don’t want to talk about it” a few weeks later turned to me and said “so, do you think you’ll get reconstruction”. What the actual fuck?!
I have turned into a bit of a recluse now and there are very few of my so-called friends I actually want to see, and I don’t even care anymore - you need to protect yourself and your mental health.
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Hi
People are strange and insensitive aren’t they?
I didn’t have a mastectomy so i can only imagine the shock of being asked such initimate questions from co workers, friends and family…all of who need to be educated about any such conversations and i agree that a chat with HR would be worthwhile even if its to start the conversations about a company policy on cancer, vulnerabilities and adaptions to work, roles, tasks they must have in place
HR can sometimes be the conduit to open up such things as most companies really do not have a clue about cancer, let alone about supporting workers and their managers / teams before, during an after this
Before any of my treatments only 3 people knew about my cancer, in fact until chemo 3 ( which was almost 7 months after finding the lump) very few knew, but by then i was strong enough to make it ‘public’ and talk but i put boundaries on such conversations
Even after sharing my news the insensitive responses and inquisitive questions led me on several times to say
’ thats a really hard question to answer right now so im going to think about it and will get back to you when i can’
’ im not willing to share that right now’
’ it was my choice not yours’
’ thats too personal to share’
And in 1 particular exchange…’ how dare you say that, are you engaging yoyr brain today?’
I think as people who have lived this and continue to live it we can respond politely but firmly and educate everyone around us when it feels right and ok to do so
As someone who is now quite open to questions and queries i start by asking ’ why do you want to know that?’ Normally its about fear but sometimes its about being a gossip and quite frankly i want to shut that down as soon as i can
Hugs and good luck with your continuing good health xx
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In my experience I have found some people really insensitive and unkind.
One of my so called best friends thought it was ok to make light of my mastectomy and text my brother after my surgery ‘ how is she? is she off her tits’. Fair to say she is no longer a friend of mine. Some people really are so unkind.
I totally get the fear bit - for some people it does feel like they want to know the inns and outs because they fear it could may happen to them someday. But the gossip element - particularly when you live in a small town like I do when everyone knows each others business - is just too much for me! It’s frustrating because I know lots of people that have lots of (not cancer) health problems, in and out of hospital all the time but I don’t know much at all and wouldn’t dream of asking other than “you okay”: but it feels like as soon as it’s cancer it’s fair game and you are public property.
Aargh as you can see still a very sore topic!
I had one friend, fairly soon post mastectomy ask if I was up for meeting for a coffee - I was but said as long as we could avoid anything to do with cancer as a topic of conversation. She suddenly became really busy and - 2 months later I’m still waiting for that coffee date…
I’m so sorry you’ve had to fend off these intrusive questions, whilst trying to recover from major life trauma.
Unfortunately people are so bloody insensitive.
One trick, which I wish I’d used myself, is to repeat back questioning what is being said to you as if you’ve misheard it.
They’ll get the gist that it’s offensive and shut the fuck up fast.
But if they double down on it, then say
" Did you really mean to ask me that? Because I find it very intrusive and personal"
I cannot tell you the amount of people who " joked" after my mastectomy…“oooh the lengths you’ll go to for a boob job”, and even today as I’m recovering from my 2nd reconstruction operation someone really upset my husband by " joking" " Oh it’s all you men’s fault, that’s all you’re interested in is perfect boobs"
Yeah…cos that’s why I’ve undergone a 2nd excruciating surgery in 6months. for my Penthouse modelling career…I hear there’s a massive market for nippleless scarred tits !!! Grrrrr
Anyhoo…onwards and upwards.
Lots of love
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These questions drive me nuts. I have inflammatory breast cancer and was terrified when i was diagnosed. (Im better now) The amount of people who asked me staging or “but they caught it early?” ,questions. It was for their benefit, not mine. They wanted an answer that said im okay, this is doable right at a time when my world was imploding. I think the questions about boobs and hair are similar. Very few people want the honest answer. Looking back i wish id just said you dont want the honest answer to that so lets not dwell on it.
From the right people, people who i cam collapse in front of, it would have been fine as they were asking out of concern, not nosiness.
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Hi @hope889
Blimey, what a cow.
I’ll occasionally say to my best mates “laughing my tit off” or “I’m off my tit” if I’ve had a few. I feel a tiny bit sorry for them when I do - the looks on their faces 
It’s only what they say about themselves but I can’t say tits when I’ve only one 
My bestie will say I’m only half as tiddly as her (a rare occurrence I hastened to add) but that’s within boundaries after being off 1 or 2 has been mentioned 
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Yes people can make such inappropriate comments, i love the response suggestions on here as its not easy finding the right words when someone catches you off guard.
After my double mastectomy and reconstruction my sister in law came round n the very first thing she said was “Did you have implants? They dont look as big as they were” i was wearing a baggy shirt n just didnt know what to say. The rest of the visit she couldnt take her eyes of my chest. It upset me.
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Unbelievable . Perhaps you should make a comment about her boobs the next time you see her . Or get a T-shirt printed with a big red 
saying my face is this way xx
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It’s very sad that some people can be so malicious and hurtful. You are stronger than them, and they have no idea how this “experience” has changed your life, and they never will unless it comes knocking on their door.
I would like to hope some of those people do not intend to be so nasty. Perhaps they have personal issues themselves, or they think engaging in the topic will help make the subject less taboo (hope that is a suitable term). But they should take time to engage brain before mouth, and consider what it’s like on the receiving end.
I agree with the others, sometimes you need to be direct with people and tell them (in what ever words you feel appropriate). Bullies won’t like retaliation and the “innocents” will be mortified that there words have caused upset and offense.
Remember you are strong……they are not.
Best wishes x
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My double mastectomy is next week and my favourite so far is: well you get to choose the size of your new boobs, yey!! Yes, people absolutely, I have gone through cancer (2 surgeries so far) and a double mastectomy where I will loose my nipples (btw) just for a resizing of y breasts… and sometimes I don’t even have it in me to clarify that NO, SIZE IS NOT A CHOICE!!! So I guess what I am saying is: these questions come from people that have no idea, and I just take it as “I am so glad that you are this ignorant because it means you have never had to deal with it.” Hang in there and I hope you recover well. Virtual hug!!
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Thankfully I haven’t had those questions but I add a “yet” onto that as I haven’t gone back to work yet.
My close friends have been very supportive and not questioned me at all. They just ask how I am feeling.
Some people have said “I would have a mastectomy if it happened to me”. But they really have no idea. I spoke to other ladies who have had a double mastectomy before I decided on mine. I chose not to have reconstruction.
I think cancer shoukd be discussed in the workplace so people have an understanding and not make it a taboo subject.
There is an amazing woman called Sharron Moffatt that I’m connected to on LinkedIn. She has had BC herself and is offering to discuss this with workplaces. I think there may be a small fee as it is her line of work “demystifying cancer”.
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