problem with a husband

Friends and family Supporting someone with breast cancer
1

Hello all,
My friend is not registered with the site (PC problems) and has asked if she may post something through me. I will pass over to her now, because she has a situation regarding her hubbie that she would like some advice sbout, from women who have been through breast cancer. Here goes…

Hi everyone,
I read the forums quite a lot but am not able to come on here myself. I met my friend (Happy shopper) through treatments and we are good friends. I have shared something with her that has been a problem for a while, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I had breast cancer in 2005 and had to have a bilateral mastectomy. I had the treaments, and then a reconstruction operation in 2007. My husband was not very supportive at the time, and I felt so rocked by all I had been throuhgh, that having a physical relationship was quite far from my mind.

Anyway, I started to notice that some of my hair was missing from the nape of my neck - it was just gone, almost like it had been cut. I told my husband, who said not to be so silly, and not to worry. But I did , I thought that my hair was coming out in a clump, for no obvious reason. This went on, until one night I woke to find my husband was cutting my hair at my neck- it was so awful - he denied it, but I was screaming at him so much, he finally admitted it.

I was so devastated , I couldn’t understand how he could do something like that to me, after all I was going through, let me think I was going mad that my hair was falling out. Luckily I was still seeing the oncology counsellor who was brilliant - she rang my GP, and I went onto anti depressants for a while to help me deal with it. I made him go to see a counsellor - he told me that it was because he got a thrill from it and because we weren’t having a realtionship then , thats why he did it. I wish I had the courage to get rid of him then, but I have no parents left, no family to talk to , my confidence was at rock bottom and didn’t really know what to do - we thought we would just work it out.
He has been OK since,never done it again but we have not had a physical realtionship for years now, and certainly not since.
Thing is, I have been feeling a lot stronger and better in myself, and now I feel that I am not sure I want to be with him anymore. I can’t believe he did that to me when I felt he should have been really looking after me. But then, I’m really scared of being on my own and starting over again, especially sfter my surgery.
I feel very unconfident about my appearance(my reconstruction isn’t great to be honest).
I would really appreciate your comments on this and any advice on moving on from it all.

Thank you all so much. I will be able to come to my friends and read your replies.

Sally X

2

Hello Sally

My goodness what a ghastly experience for you. It sounds to me as though you would be better off on your own, even though I appreciate that it would be really daunting to take the plunge. And of course all I know of your situation is what you’ve told us.

I was crippled with self doubt and lack of confidence in my 20s and was really helped by a book called ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’ (Susan Jeffers). I loved it so much I kept buying it and giving it away! I felt really empowered afterwards and it helped me make major life changes.

I have to say that my priorities changed radically after a secondary bc diagnosis in summer 2008. My time is immensely precious now that I know that it is limited. But really, everyone’s time is just as precious, because as soon as it’s gone that’s it, you don’t get it back. We’re all going to die, it’s just that most of us don’t know when, we blithely think we’re immortal. Knowing that I won’t be around for so many things makes me so much more conscious of the need to be happy here, now, today. If you can look at your life in the same way, try to make every today a happy one, then that might make the decision to leave a little easier.

Best of luck, Alison x

3

Sally

What a terrible thing to happen to you. What your Husband did was sadistic and cruel and to try to twist it to make it your fault just takes the biscuit! My divorce came through on the day I was diagnosed; that was last year and I got through it. My Husband decided he was a sadomasicist (sorry for spelling) and left me for a like minded woman. I’m not saying that your hub is this way inclined, but the cruelty is similar. I does sound like you’d be better off without him but I know taking that step is really hard. Strangely enuf, I found it empowering, especially as i had right on my side as I was the aggrieved.

Julia xx

4

Sally,

what a horrific thing to do to you. And really really strange and creepy. I would find it very difficult to trust him again, or to feel safe around him. Only you can make the decision, but from what you describe, it seems that you may well be better off rebuilding your life away from him, rather than trying to rebuild it with him.

I would consider if you trust him, and if not, whether you think you can in the future. And the trust is twofold. Firstly, can you physically trust him around you if he did that to you at your most vulnerable and when asleep ( scissors near your neck when you are fast asleep, scary!), plus can you trust him to look after you emotionally? Theres no point being with someone if you cannot trust them.

It must be hard having no family support, but you do seem to have a great friend in happy shopper, so take strength from her and from the ladies on this site.

Huge hugs to you
Vickie

5

Sally

That’s hideous, and an assault on you. Did he explain why he was doing it? My heart goes out to you.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Kinden
x

6

Hi Sally, Two words - LEAVE HIM - I have never heard of anything so cruel and sadistic in my life - it’s just unbelievable and frankly, it’s terrifying. I understand that you are feeling low and lacking in confidence but remember that you are still the same person you always were and there are some good men out there honestly and you deserve better. You have a good friend in Happy Shopper and I’m sure you have other friends who care about you and will help you through this. Please don’t spend the rest of your life with this man. I totally agree with Alison, none of us know how long we have left and we deserve to spend the time being happy and content, not living with the possibility of being brutalised like that. My heart goes out to you and I’m sending lots of loving hugs to you. Please, please let us know how you get on, everyone on here is lovely and you will get loads of support.

Take very good care of yourself, hope to hear from you soon.

Also lots of love to everyone else today, hope you are all feeling well and have a happy and painfree day. Dianne x x x

7

As a bloke I feel that what he did was utterly despicable.

Actively doing things like cutting hair to make it look like it is falling out when you are dealing with cancer makes it challenging to describe him in polite company.

Paul.

8

Hello Sally
to be honest, I would be more scared of being with a man like that than being without him. Of course you have to consider the implications of living alone, but it sounds as though you have considered that - I feel that having shared the info as you have is an indication that you are ready to move on. I know you said your relationship isn’t physical, but how does it feel to sit with him in the evening - do you have any kind of emotional relationship? is there any companionship in there?
It might be worth writing down all the things you enjoy about having him in your life and all the things you feel would be better if he wasn’t, plus, all the complicating factors (splitting home, finances etc)and decide whether you can cope with them and start thinking of strategies for dealing with each of the problems it would cause you. I think that will probably give you a clear understanding of what you want, and some idea of how to manage the unpleasant bits if you decide to leave him.
I’m sure people will be coming on to share their experiences with you, but I know people who have moved on from marriages after reconstructive surgery and developed happy healthy new relationships. The world is full of good people, male and female.
The main thing to keep in your mind is that
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TO THIS
and if you do choose to stay, you may want to dictate some new terms for your relationship.
best of luck - let us know how you go on
Monica xx

9

Hello everyone,

I have been reading out your posts to my friend over the phone but she wanted to wait to reply until she could come round and do it herself.
I will hand over to her:-

hello and a really massive thank you to everyone who has left me some messages. i am sorry that it has taken me a long time to write on here again, and I just cannot believe how kind you have all been to me.I think you have all summed up what , deep in my heart, I know and now need to follow through. I have been so sad and uunhappy with him ever since this happened 3 years ago . He has said how much he regrets it, but the thing is, how much longer would it have gone on for if I hadn’t woken up and put a stop to it?
Someone asked me why he did it - he’s never really explained it to me fully other tahn to say that he got sexual pleasure from it (gave him some kind of kick I guess). that makes me feel quite bad,and almost like its my fault, that he felt he had to go to such extremes to get some pleasure when I wasn’t interested in having a physical relationship( I was still getting over my bilateral reconstruction at the time - this happened only a few weeks after I had my surgery.). I feel half the person I did before and all I wanted was for my husband to look after me, and tell me it was alright, and love me , hug me, accept me for who I was. I feel that my appearance must be so repulsive for him to do this to me.
We still have no physical realationship (I can’t bear him near me) and as i work shift work it means we are not at home at the same time for most of the time.
I am very anxoius about the thought of being on my own, but actually guess that i am on my own now really- I just share the house with someone who happens to be my husband.
You are right, life is too short and I never thought that I would be still here now and I am so thankful that I am.That is a bit of a wake up call actually and don’t think things could be any worse on my own than they are now. the advice from you all has been so helpful and I can’t thank you all enough for your kindness and for taking the trouble to help me. Thank you so much.
Sally XXX

10

Sally,

you have had some great advice from the ladies on here. What you went through is truly awful and I really feel for you.

although it was before my bc I was in an abusive relationship for many years and he totally battered my self esteem to the point I didn’t believe I was worth anything more. One day I woke up and thought I can’t do it anymore. Was left with 3 young kids and skint but the feeling of being free was worth more than all the money in the world. 5 years on I still know I made the right decision but it was very difficult for a while.

No-one can tell you what is right for you but I think the fact you are talking about it makes me think that deep down inside you know the answer however scary it seems.

Whatever you decide you know you will get lots of support on here and I do understand your comment about family as mine live many miles away and have not supported me through my bc. Friends are truly important and it is obvious happy shopper is there for you.

Take care and remember life is for living not regretting.

K x

11

Hi, I just want to say after what you have been through with BC you are a SURVIVOR… Back in 2005 when you was DX you was dying when all said and done !!! Sorry but it’s the the truth…

So please don’t say your weak far from it… Infact I have become to believe we are the ELITE… BC is not just given to anyone you know… lol…

You have probably just fought the biggest battle of your life ALONE… So you can certainly get rid of this… Well i would like to say MAN but I wouldn’t want to insult the males on this site…

Sorry hunny, but it’s true, he’s a bad apple fallen way from where he should be…

Take care, and be careful…

Love Teresa xxx

12

Hi Sally, just been reading your reply and so glad that you feel that we have helped you. As Teresa says, you are a survivor as we all are and it can’t be good for you living in the same house with this person. I wish you the very best of luck in the future and please let us know how you get on. Take good care of yourself, lots of love and hugs. Dianne x x x

13

Hello hon,
The behaviour of your husband is unbelievably cruel. I am so sorry for all you have been through and just wanted to send my love and virtual hugs to you whatever you decide. I just hope that you do find the inner strength needed to follow through with your decisions. As other folks have commented- you ARE a strong woman coping with the BC and surgeries.
Best wishes for a very bright future honey
XXXXXX Sallyann

14

I second that and wish you a happy and much brighter time in future
sending love
monica x

15

Hi ,
Am just going to hand over to my friend-

Hello agin everyone,
I 'm sorry I haven’t been here for a while - i have been keeping quite busy with work and out and about, and happyshopper has been away on holiday too.

I’m afrad not much has happened, i am still there with him and not geeting very far really.
We are sleeping apart agin because I can’t really sleep with him - I am frightened he will do it again even though he has promised me it will never happen again. I just don’t sleep very well now.

I feel that it is my fault that he had to do this, because we had no sex life during my diagnosis and treatment. I just felt really drained, was in so much pain after all the surgery and the side effects of treatment did’t make me feel great. I know that my appearance isn’t good either - I have a lot of scarring and he has never seen it at all, or asked to. that makes me feel that I must be so repulsive.He has never given me any compliments or made me feel good about myself (am I expecting too much?)

I have been back to see my counsellor again- she is so lovely. She has told me quite bluntly again that what he did was sexual abuse (think someone here said it was abuse) and that was quite a shock for me to hear. She said that the fact he then hid it and lied to me and let me feel that I was imagining things just made it worse.

My self esteem is pretty low and my confidence is too but I am trying to work on it - I have started buying myself some nice clothes and me and happyshopper are thinking of joining a gym.

Thank you all again- this site is just so amazing and supportive.

Sally XXX

16

Hi Sally

I am so sorry for the situation you are in, i really feel for you. Please don’t feel it was your fault we are never responsible for what someone else does they make there own choices.

I hope you find some happiness in your life no matter what you do. You have been through so much and deserve to be happy and loved. Good idea to go to the gym it always gives a boost to your confidence. You are a very strong lady and i wish you all the best.

Lots of love to you

Jaynexxxx

17

Sally

you know what you have to do although it will be hard. Be true to yourself. You deserve so much more than you are getting.

K x

18

Hi Sally, So sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. Joining a gym sounds good as well as the new clothes, but this won’t solve the problem. I agree with K, you know what you have to do to resolve this. Good luck and keep us posted, we’re always here for you. Lots of love, Dianne x x x

19

alisonm Have just started to read the book you recomended “Feel the fear and do it anyway” and finding it very helpful and can see myself doing the things they say. Would recommend this to anyone else who finds they are holding themselves back from doing things. Joyce. xx