problems with children

my lovely 15 year old son has reduced me to tears yet again. he is demanding why im not back at work i had wle and snb on 1 dec and rads starting in jan. all 3 kids refuse to help around the house or at least want an arguement first. im struggling to stay positive and i feel im drumming into them what has happened and how i feel but they really dont seem to care if they reduce me to tears on an almost daily basis!! sorry for the rant.
sue

hello sue

you need to stop doing things for your kids and take it easy, as i now being a mum you feel you still have to,
my sons are 10 and 6, my 6 year ols is so considerate he seems to know when im not feeling right, but i think as they get older they take you for granted, it will take you awhile to recover from surgey then you have rads to contend with, i finised rads 3 wks ago and am very tierd now so take it easy
julie x

Dear Sue,

Well they just sound scared to me. My youngest child was dreadful to me when i was really ill, she did nothing but lose her temper with me, - the more passive i became the more angry she became. Turns out she thought i wasn’t fighting this disease, she interprets anger as fighting i think. She called me lazy when i was barely able to move, and wheelchair bound. Now that i seem to be better, she is less frightened, but she still has not taken it on board, that my disease is terminal (I have secondaries) - and actually i am not shoving it down her throat either. She is where she needs to be. The more frightened and vulnerable you seem, the angrier they may become, lets face it to them it must seem that their whole family is collapsing around them.

The trouble is at the moment you are least well equipped to cope with this, you need someone to care for you, as they do for them. The only thing to do is to sit down and try and have a conversation with them, or get a friend or relative to, they are often more receptive to ‘outsiders’.

This is a rubbish time of the year for all this, as it brings it’s own pressures with it, but i’m sure if you can stay in ‘adult’ (which klet’s face it is damned hard with all this going on) - you may yet get the best of them.

Very best wishes

dear sue
i hope things have improved in your household. like people say our family are dealing with difficult emotions but it doesnt do them any good if they dont learn how to be compassionate. i have 3 children, 2 of which are at home, my 27 year old who ive had loads of problems with in the past is being really caring, my 14 year old is a typical teenager, doesnt want to do anything if he can help it, but if you can just leave their responsibilites to them for a while, they do learn how to manage. at the moment i am due to start chemo again after my cancer as returned, and i have no energy.
there are lots of arguments between my hubby and the boys, so i have a cleaner booked in to start tommorow for two hours twice a week. could you afford to do that.
it is no good us thinking we can struggle through, i dont want to waste energy on housework. i want to use it to get well.
take care of you, and let them do the same, they will eventually learn how to handle things

god bless x

my two teenage sons have been great, the youngest at 14 is so loving, keeps giving me kisses and cuddles and asking if there is anything I need, the older one has been a bit more subdued and didnt really say that much but he had to write an essay for English on a recent personal experience and he wrote 4 pages about my cancer, he is very deep and I didnt think he was taking it all in, how wrong was I, it was very honest and raw and all his feelings totally came across, I wept when I read it, so did my hubby, he says he actually feels better now he has wrote it all down, mabye I should try that!!!

His English teacher was also moved to tears when she read it, she gave him an A.

Carol xxx

I have two boys aged 8 and 5. I was dx in June and have had lumpectomy and total clearance followed by more surgery as margins too small.I am due to start my chemo in Sept after our holiday and when the boys are back at school.

My younger son is fine. Quite happy to talk about the baddies being cut out and the Ben 10 laser gun (rads) to anyone who will listen.My older child is finding it all difficult and is very angry with me.As I write he is away with his cousins for five days and is having a ball-not that he has spoken to me at all!

I am a teacher and know what I should do to ease his pain but he will not listen to anything I say.“Don’t want to talk to you about anything!”

In a brief moment when he forgot himself, he confessed to being worried. I said that I was a bit worried too but my that the drs are confident all will be ok (Grade 1 ductal tumour).

Has anyone got any ideas/strategies I could use to help him?

Andi

Hi Andi,
When l read your post, the saying…slowly slowly catchy monkey came to mind! l am sure you know the meaning of the saying!
I think your son needs to be treated with kid gloves, but at the same time boost his confidence that you are coping with this.
l am not sure l would have told him l was worried! yes l am sure you are, but at this stage does he not need to get use to the idea his Mum has a problem. I think he needs to get use to the idea very slowly, and l am sure he will ask questions at each stage and when he feels he can cope with the answers.
I think if children see their parents coping it is so much easier for them, yes you are going to have down days with chemo, but these can be overcome by explaining the medicine to make you well, will first make you feel poorly. Perhaps the hair coming out can be helped by him shaving or cutting your hair!
It is going to be an emotional roller coaster for you all, but he is at a very difficult age, when he understands so very much.
If my Mum had told me she was worried about herself at that age l would have not coped, and been very frightened!
I still remember my grandma dying when l was 10, and when she was ill, l had this terrible thought if she died, perhaps my mum would die too! just silly things that go on in such a young mind.
He is a young boy running scared, his emotions all over the place, after all Mum said she was ‘worried’ and my Mum copes!
I hope he is enjoying himself with his cousins, and l am sure you would sooner he never phoned than kept coming on the phone worrying about Mum?
Love and Hugs to you
Sandra xxx

Hi Sandra

Many thanks for your kind words.

He is a sensitive child and doesn’t give a lot away- just like his Dad. We decided from the start that we would be honest with the children.I would hate to tell them one thing and for them to overhear something different. We try not to talk about cancer in front of the boys but inevitably they will hear bits and pieces in passing.

He is worried about his life changing, me not being there on the school run days etc. We haven’t (and won’t unless it is necessary) spoken about death.I confessed to being a bit worried about the changes and how the treatment was going to make me feel.I felt I had to be straight with him as he knows it won’t be good. I got the book Mummy’s Lump and read it to both of them. My younger boy requests it at bedtime because he likes the pets!

My heart goes out to him because I know that deep down he wants to give me a hug to make it better, but he just can’t let himself do it.I know he is having a great time away. My sis in law is one of my closest friends and lives just around the corner so our kids attend the same school and we share childcare etc.She also works with children in the medical prof so knows what to do.

He has a great relationship with his Dad and they are having quality time together, which is a good thing.

I guess this little monkey will allow himself to be caught in his own good time.!

Thanks again.

Andixxx