Thanks both, no it’s not the first time. the cancer happened 1st in 2017 then in 2021 again as I didn’t have chemo the first time. The first time I recovered, now, it seems impossible. I think there is actually no answer, but I appreciate the efforts to advise.
Hi Louisa
I haven’t been following the previous thread so I’m responding ‘blind’. I’m 71. From the age of 15 I have lived with perpetual anxiety, phobias and panic disorder. Ironically my chief phobia is emetophobia (fear of vomit) which is a bit unfair tho I have to say I’ve been well supported and never yet been sick.
However, it does mean I fully understand what it’s like to live with perpetual anxiety. It’s exhausting, it’s draining and it underpins every decision you make. My primary treatment initially was plagued by panic - until the hospital took me in hand (my GPs kind of take their lead from me and I had no idea where to lead). I received my secondary diagnosis about a year after my all clear, Spring 2021. This time, I’m stoical - what’s the point in wasting time fretting over what I can’t change? It’s like a miracle. I’m still plagued by my phobia (unreal) and unfazed by my secondary bc (very real).
It may well be that some aspect of the treatment has triggered something in you, leaving you with all this anxiety about nothing specific except it started with cancer. I’ll add all the usual platitudes - find the right person to talk to, at Maggie’s, through Breast Cancer Now (eg the Someone Like Me service), through Macmillan, even through your GP. Get the right medication. I think I went through every SSRI produced, with little success until I tried agomelatine (Valdoxan, not usually prescribed because it’s a bit dearer, but no side effects and a definite effect on reducing my mental pain). Find and practise something like meditation, yoga, mindfulness routinely, daily if you can, till it’s embedded in your life (I use Progressive Hypnosis videos, free on YouTube). Read Peter Harvey’s exceptional article, maybe outdated but still so true: workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf
If cancer is what you worry about, the only answer is to try to change your perspective - it IS possible. Why assume it will come back again? Why not assume it’s all sorted this time? My mum had bc twice, 20 years apart, different types, different treatments (and nothing at all to do with mine). She died of old age. My breast care nurse came up with a wonderful image that changed my perspective after I’d had a stupid Google moment and found my prognosis was ‘poor’. Basically, she said there were two camps - the ‘Yes, it’s going to come back’ and the ‘No, it’s not going to come back’. Most people chop and change camps until they get more confident and settle for the second but the important thing is to enjoy camping. Obviously there was a lot more to it but the principle of allowing for anxieties but not letting them take over your life is sound. For me, I can’t apply that camping theory now because it came back but, two years on, I’m still here, still having my first line treatment and learning that, like diabetes, it’s a condition to be managed, not a death sentence.
Maybe this is just repeating what everyone else has said, for which I apologise. But the thought of someone else living in perpetual anxiety distresses me now that I’ve found my peace of mind. Hard though it is, it is possible to change your thinking, reframe your perception of things and realise you’re in the fortunate position to be clear of cancer again, maybe/probably forever and there’s a life you’re losing out on while you say stuck. Maybe you’re right that ”there is no actual answer” but what if there is and you are just missing it?
Thinking of you. I strongly recommend Progressive Hypnosis but you have to stick at it to notice some improvement.
Jan x