Hi lovely ladies
I haven’t got a question as such just wanted to share my feelings with you a month or so on from hearing that after 6 months of investigation I did have breast cancer.
I have had my first appointment which left me feeling informed mostly, although I did ask lots of questions which I’m not sure went down well. My body etc but maybe just my over sensitive perception…
I worry about a hidden tumour in my other breast but am told repeatedly to wait for my annual mammogram and ultrasound. This is despite the fact my cancer wasn’t picked up this way and it took 3 operations including a mastectomy to diagnose.
Radiotherapy starts next week and I’m taking Letrazole daily. I’m walking, meditating, writing a journal and trying to squeeze more fruit and veg and other good stuff in to my diet and virtually give up my lovely rose wine!
Friends and family are telling me I sound so much better and there’s the thing… I’m still totally wrecked inside. I’m trying really hard to be positive and grateful which I really am and I know I have much to be thankful for in my diagnosis. But I’m still so scared all the time of it coming straight back. On the outside I look like I’m joining in stuff and I’m ‘me’ again but it feels like an act and looking in on it all from the outside.
I’m sorry this is a moan today but I feel apart from you guys in here there is no support from the medical side to cope with the emotional fallout that is so overwhelming in the early days. I know they are all very busy but I feel a number in a list whereas this is all very new and scary to me as an individual. I am lucky to have family and friends so I probably don’t need the medical team but last week I was full of aches in different places and it was hard to get that reassurance without feeling a nuisance.
I guess time is the thing and I will get a sense of perspective and hopefully calm over time but just needed to vent today so thanks for listening xx
I think it’s all so hard. I’ve kept going through denial, stiff upper lip and black humour but it’s an effort to keep trying to be on top of things and I have meltdowns and dark days, and get very weepy from time to time, it just takes over. Diagnosis, treatment, worrying about recurrence, it’s a huge amount to go through, and in lockdown. Friends and family can be greT, but I want to protect m6 family and they want me to be seen to be getting better and only someone who has been through it can really empathise. So thanks heavens for this forum. I’d never posted to anything before this but it’s helped me a lot.
@Dexy - I just wanted to echo Carmen Verandah’s excellent advice. I also asked loads of questions as I wanted to know what was happening at every stage, though others really don’t want to know, it’s a very personal choice. I felt like you do, that my consultant slightly despaired as I turned up with a long list - but I’m sure it is just us being over sensitive. One day he even told me that he looked forward to my questions as he found them a challenge!
It’s not a moan to offload on here, so please don’t apologise. This is what this place is for, it’s a safe place where you will never be judged. The mental side is a real rollercoaster and as you’ve said others find it very hard to know what to say. They think they are saying something positive and helpful by telling us how well we look - it’s usually too complicated to explain to everyone that inside we are not.
You may want to consider some counselling at some point to help you work through your feelings - I had some and found it enormously helpful.
All the best with your radiotherapy - don’t forget we are all here anytime you need to chat. Hugs, Evie xx
