Really frightened and scared today

I was just diagnosed with breast cancer on Tuesday. Initially it was almost a relief like feeling because for the previous three weeks I was told I probably have it and the waiting was excruciating. But the relief is gone and now I’m stuck with “I’ve **bleep** got breast cancer.” Went to the surgeon on Thursday and the area of concern has gone up from 1.6 centimeters to 3.6 centimeters. Not all of that is the lump. The lump is IDC, ER/PR positive and it’s the 1.6 centimeters. But the calcifications around bring the whole area of concern up to 3.6. I’m hoping that part is DCIS since it doesn’t go into staging but that upsizing is messing with me. Lymph nodes do look normal both in scans and by physical examination and I’m grateful for that even though I know it’s not definitive. I’ve decided on a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction but I have to wait to meet with the plastic surgeon to coordinate it all and I’m wondering how long that will take. Will it grow in the meantime and spread? My surgeon says they usually have three months after diagnosis to get you into surgery but I don’t want to wait three months. I don’t even want to wait three weeks. My husband wants me in now. He doesn’t care about reconstruction which is nice but I do. I’m a triple D and have been since early high school. Going flat would be too much of a cultural shock for me I think. The surgeon also said she doesn’t know if I’m big enough to do a DIEP. Which is funny to me because I can grab a big 'ol handful of fat in my stomach area and I don’t want triple D breasts in reconstruction. I want small, manageable perky breast that go along with a small five foot one frame. In fact it’s the only damn thing I’m looking forward to. I’ve never liked my breasts and don’t feel all that bad that they’re going as long as I can replace them with something I like more. So hearing that is worrisome since I’m afraid of implants. Anyway I’m just petrified. Will I need chemo? It’s a high grade so the chances of that are good even with an early stage breast cancer. What will chemo for six months do to me? And will it even work? Is my life just basically over? Anyway just spinning thoughts that keep going around and around and I hate it. I just want to feel happy again and I don’t know if it will ever happen. Thanks for listening.

So sorry you’ve found yourself part of this club no one wants to join, but everyone is here for you and you’ll find all the support and advice you need!

First of, yes, you WILL be happy again. There’s going to be a lot to go through in the near future, but one day you’ll look back and it’ll just be done. I think it’s fab you’re looking for those silver linings, too - I did that, and new, perky, better-sized boobs is something positive to take from this.

I was in a similar boat on sizing - went from a 34H to a D/DD (UK sizing) and yep, it was great! I had immediate implant recon with my bilateral mx, and I don’t find the implants scary. I had my doubts beforehand but the surgeon - mine’s a character, let me tell you! - let me handle one in clinic first. Oh, but before he handed it to me he SLAMMED it down on the desk, to prove how sturdy they are. I’m coming up on 18 months since they went in, and they just feel like part of me now.

Not going to lie, chemo can be rough. But it’s not constant: you’ll have bad days and not-so-bad days. The exact effects will depend on what kind they recommend, but again, one day it’ll be done and you’ll have the security of knowing you’ve done everything you can for yourself and your chances of beating this nasty little monster.

Take care of yourself. Now is exactly the right time for whatever nice things you can do for yourself! xx