Hi Adella
You must be reeling from all this. I know that I found it well nigh impossible to take in anything (all I cared about was would I be sick) but I had a friend with me to take notes and ask a few questions. It’s great news that your scans are clear - some of your treatment will be precautionary now.
I haven’t had the same chemotherapy treatment as you but it does sound remarkably long. Usually the PTD are given together, like the FEC, so how it would extend over a whole year I can’t imagine, unless they are allowing long breaks between, which seems unlikely as they like to be a fast as possible. I had EC x 3 (9 weeks) and Paclitaxel x 9 (10 weeks - they gave me a week off because I couldn’t manage any more, but they didn’t even delay when I had a car accident and had a chest injury!) Perhaps your circumstances are exceptional? Otherwise, I’d question the accuracy of the details. There would never be an error in actual treatment (there are fail-proof checks, as you’ll learn) but there might be an error in writing it down and knowing you have less to face might help you feel a bit more positive. Maybe you could ring the nurses at the number above and ask their opinion? They are very knowledgeable and reassuring.
You would have to be superwoman not to feel pretty scared right now. You’ve had a huge shock, you face what was once a death sentence and the prospect of a daunting treatment regime (you’ve not mentioned the 5 or 10 years of hormone therapy that follow lol) which is already probably making you feel pretty s***. It’s a huge physical trauma and a huge emotional trauma, world upside down, sense of safety whipped away, betrayed by your own body and no escape. If this sounds familiar it’s because it’s what I felt and what probably every person on this forum has felt. It takes a while to get accustomed to it.
You won’t know till you are in your chemotherapy how you will be affected. Everyone responds differently. A lot of women manage well in the circumstances; some, like me, feel they’ve been steam-rollered and left as zombies. There are many methods they have to mitigate the effect of some drugs - I never once even felt nauseous, let alone sick (my obsession). Hopefully you won’t be as badly affected as you expect.
We only seem to hear bad stuff about cancer and our fear of it is perpetuated. But on this site you have thousands of women who are in the same situation, many of us through to the other side. I was given the definitive (with reservation) all clear last Friday. I’m not daft: I am high-risk, with 19 of my 21 lymph nodes infected, but my MRI showed nothing now. The next 2 years are high-risk too but I’m really not going to waste time worrying about what might happen when, as easily, it might not happen. Extraordinary in a woman like me who’s suffered anxiety and panic disorder all my adult life but for some reason I can keep the cancer in perspective. All I can say is that every one of us finds our own ways of dealing with each aspect of cancer treatment and you will too.
Focus on things you CAN do something about. You need to look after your emotional health and reduce your level of fear. Find out what services your hospital offers (is there a Maggie’s Centre, a Macmillan centre or a Haven nearby?) - there may be loads of complementary therapies to help you right now and certainly people to talk to about your fears, people who can help you get things in perspective. Your breast care nurse would be a good starting point - they will willingly help you. Meantime, keep off Google if you can - it’s the scariest place if you have cancer - and remember it’s not the death sentence it once was and your chances of recovery and a long life ahead are high nowadays if your cancer is caught early enough, as yours seems to have been),
Sorry to have gone on so long - I can’t break a bad habit. I wish you all the best and hope you can get those fearful thoughts into perspective. Take care,
Jan x