I was diagnosed with HER2+ invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer a year ago. I had a wide local excision, chemo and radiotherapy. I was just shy of the one year anniversary if my diagnosis and lost my mum suddenly to a heart attack. I am completely lost it feels like all I know is sadness since my diagnosis. I used to be quite fit but these days all I do is sit about or sleep and that’s bad as I know it’s important to exercise. Mum was my best friend and always there for me, I am so lost and worried about my dad too, it’s just heart breaking. Has anyone here been through similar? I’m also terrified of my BC coming back. Love to you all x
I’m so sorry for your loss, Jess. It was the other way round for me. I cared for my mother as she lived with dementia and, without going into the whole sorry tale, the last five weeks of her life were horrendous. This was in April 2021. I didn’t deal with her death very well, I felt it was my job to protect and save her and ultimately I couldn’t so I plunged into a downward spiral I saw no point in coming out of. 15 months after that I got my BC diagnosis, Er+ Pr+ Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with DCIS. I’ve finished rads but have had complications and on Letrozole for 5 years.
I know if my Mum was here now, she would be urging me to take every opportunity to get better, to think positively, to do everything I can to have a life worth living at the end of it. I can hear her, willing her precious daughter on to have the kind of life she wants for me. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m absolutely sure that is what your mum would want for you, Jess.
Losing your mother, especially suddenly, is a very profound thing. I could say a lot about it but I’m sure you know. It’s early days for you so you can’t see the wood for the trees but believe me when I say, this terrible period in your life will pass and you will get fitter and healthier and you will live your best life, which is everything that your mother wanted for you. It will take time to process it all, just give yourself time and space to do that.
I lost my mom almost nine years ago. It wasn’t completely a sudden death but it was cancer and we lost her seven weeks after diagnosis. It was horrific and I had to get counseling and go on anti-depressants about a year later due to the trauma of it. Anytime you lose someone you love, it changes your life for the worst. Doesn’t mean you don’t heal because you do. Time does heal you like they say if you seek that healing and do what you need to do to get it. But there’s always a scar and the quote of “your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color” resonates quite beautifully in my opinion. But you have double grief because you are also mourning your loss of safety in regards to your body. It let you down and you find it hard to trust it again. And I’m so sorry. But know your feelings of grief are completely normal and to be expected. I would suggest you get help in the form of counseling and if they recommend medication don’t hesitate to take it. It saved my life because I wasn’t getting better on my own. The death of my mother shook my world up too much and I have no shame in that. She was my friend and I miss her terribly even to this day. Don’t have any shame that you’re having a hard time with all your changes either. But it can get better and will with time and help.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your mum is awful at any time but with all you have gone through in the past year it must be devastating. I lost my mum 10 years ago and although I have got used to her not being here anymore I still miss her. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in August it was my mum I most wanted to talk to even though in reality had she still been alive she would have been 90 and I probably wouldn’t have wanted to worry her.
When I lost my mum I too worried about my dad and tried to spend as much time as I could with him. That was difficult as I was working full time in a very stressful job but I saw him every weekend and spent the whole afternoon just talking with him on my half day. In the following four years until he died I got to know him so much better than I had before, we hadn’t had the opportunity to just talk and listen to each other before.
Five years ago, a year after losing my dad all the stress of the previous years and my awful job caught up with me and ended up needing counselling, if I had been dealing with bc then too I dread to think how much worse I would have been. I was lucky that a few months later I was able to take early retirement and immediately lift all the stress and get my life back together.
So my advice to you is don’t expect too much from yourself, give yourself time to grieve for your mum and your loss of confidence in your body and health. If you feel you need help ask for it, get counselling or medication if you think it will help. Also just spend time with your dad, talk to him and listen to him, it really does help.
Oh Jess, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard coping with BC without the loss of your mum. I lost my mom 14 years ago this November and got my BC diagnosis on the date of her death which brought so many memories flooding back. I don’t know what I can say to take the pain away but just want to give you a big virtual hug and tell you that, with time, the pain will ease.