Hello everyone, this is my first post here, thank you for this space where I can talk. I am 36F, living with bf 31M in my little flat. I have breast cancer and he takes care of me, nominally. I also suffer from coping problems, depression and emotional dysregulation.
I would like to just describe what happened to me today and maybe get some feedback. So bf was supposed to drive me to the hospital for an exam at 7:30. I asked him when to wake him up. He said 5min earlier. I woke him 10min earlier and we were still at the flat at 7:40. I complained about being late and we fought, i had no time to get there, i didnt go. After 2h of silence i apologized for yelling and arguing, hoping he would drive me to the second exam i had at 10:40 but he wouldnt and he wouldnt solve the argument. I tried talking, said i was annoyed by running late, he started insulting me, calling me shit, idiot, cow, defect… I insulted him back and he hit me, pushed me, hit with fist, intimidated by getting in my face very close, threatened me and pulled my hair so it came out in wisps, because its still weak from chemo. Its 3 days to christmas, which is already ruined for me, now i have to humiliate myself and apologize for the insults if i want to get over this. I wont get an apology, i already know. I am very sad and i feel helpless. I know i’m a big burden because i’m sick mentally and physically and i dont know how to change it, what to do, i have no coping or life skills. Also i have very little friends and i’m ashamed to talk to them about this, i’m afraid they would reject me and i’d lose the little i have. Same with partner, i’m scared i’ll die alone.
Thank you for listening, i wish everyone happy holidays