Hi Homerboy
Do let us know how you get on and yes, do stay on the forum because whatever happens I can guarantee that someone else will come along who will benefit from your experience.
Best of luck.
Jan x
Homerboy
the first two paragraphs of your posting explain your position so succinctly,something like that in a card or a letter would go a long way,I’m sure.Just don’t dwell on things,try and keep the rest of the message upbeat and humourous.Hopefully she’ll see you’re dealing with things quite well and whether she wants to admit it or not,she might realise she needs that kind of help.
I do wish you well.We can all make the same mistakes initially but it’s how we try and how often we try,to make up for it ,that might just make the difference.
Carole
Hi all
Well have just heard from a friend that my OH had her last rad session this morning and is now celebrating the end of her treatment and getting rid of her gremlin.
I did send an e mail saying I was glad to hear the news and hoped she was well. I did get an e mail back thanking me and also wishing I was well.
Have decided to hold of the letter for a while I think and let things settle down.
Whilst it must be a huge relief to have finished treatment today I pressume there will be some sort of follow up visit in the next 4 - 6 weeks for xrays/scans etc to confirm all is well???
I am so glad she is now over the treatment as thats one thing less to worry about but I guess she will still be on the rollercoaster for a while.
Still not giving up hope and staying with it 
x
Hi there
It’s good she’s finished treatment and you’re right that is a relief. But in some ways this can be the hardest time. One minute you’re completely focused on getting through treatment and when it stops it gives you time to let everything sink in. It can also make you feel a bit cut adrift - you go from being seen by medical professionals all the time, to being on you’re on your own again.
In terms of follow up, there is no scan or anything that can say 100% you’re cured. They don’t routinely scan following treatment. The reasons for this are because you don’t want to keep radiating the body, a scan is only ever a snapshot in time and also it causes huge anxiety.
There will be follow up probably quite regularly to start with and the doctors will check the breast or scar and see if she is experiencing any problems.
If you want to know how long before things will be okay then that’s impossible to answer. Everyone’s recovery is different. Physically she will probably have fatigue for quite a while yet, and soreness from the rads. Psychologically - that’s so individual, BC and all the treatment often brings with it a lot of issues and anxieties and a change in identity.
The good thing is that you’ve e-mailed and got a reply. That’s a start and you could always do the letter at some point if you want or need to.
Elinda x
Hi all
Well a bit of an update…
Ended up at a party on Friday night and OH was there and I must say looking remarkably well although I am sure that she was in some discomfort as she seemed to be moving awkwardly and slighty protective of her treatment area when walking around etc. We did speak and it was all friendly and instead of me making a one way transmission it was a reciprical conversation. We talked about all sorts of junk and people but I obeyed the golden rule and didnt mention our relationship or her treatment. We weren’t really together at the party and there were lots of other friends around but we werent really apart either. It was a bit strange as didn’t now how to react especially when friends started to ask us what we were doing for xmas together!. On the plus side neither of us said we werent doing anything together.
She also told me she was going away for two weeks (starting today) with some friends and they were going hillwalking and camping in the Scottish Highlands. Slightly concerned about that as she has only been finished from Rads for 5 days so is making me a bit anxious that she is doing something physical quite so quickly and in a remote place. Have made sure at least one of the friends has my mobile number and have said in an emergency to contact me as I have all the hospital details and treatment history etc.
I think that last night she must have sensed my anxiousness without me saying anything as I received a text telling me not to worry as she fealt fine and would be absolutely fine. Must say that although reassuring to get the text I am still very anxious about the whole thing but I guess as she is the patient then she has to do what she wants. Somehow resisted the temptation to say "dont try and run before you can walk. Maybe it will do her good as it will keep her mind focused now treatment is finished and she will literally have a lot of space and time to think, reflect.
Other than the anxiousness of her going on this trip feeling slightly more upbeat about things as there is positive friendly communication so I am sure all is not lost. She has also said that once she has been away she will come over and spend some time together which if she had no feelings about at all I cna see no reason for her to do.
Thanks to all you lovely ladies and hope you keeping well xx
Homerboy
Good to hear that you too are not trying to run before you can walk.Things sound as if they’re in a good place and I hope they get better.Best wishes
Carole
Hi Homerboy
I’m pleased that you and your OH are getting along if only on a friendly footing at present. You are right that she wouldn’t text you if she didn’t feel something for you nor would she text you if she didn’t recognise that you have feelings for her.
You are right, she has to do things her way. Your instinct will tell you to wrap her in cotton wool but clearly she isn’t that sort of person. Everyone deals with the BC issue in a different way and clearly this is her way of coping.
Sending you very best wishes
Jan
Another long day today…
OH has been gone for a week now hill walking in the Highlands of Scotland. Have not heard a word and had it not been for the support and advice of all the ladies on this site I would have been reaching for the mobile every few hours to check she was ok. Have now settled into a regime where I just look at the phone and imagine it ringing. I leave this post open on my PC always whether at work or home and if that phone enters my hand I have a rule that I read through all of this post and listen to your kind words and advice and then the phone slowly leaves my hand and I tell myself off and talk to the dog instead.
I have never known anxiety like this and had it not been for this website/forum I know I would not get through it as I would be in a very dark place.
Thank you to you all and if ever I can repay your kindness then please get in touch.
Wishing you all well x
Oh Homerboy, it does sound horrible for you. I know just what it is like waiting for someone to ring/text. My OH is terrible for saying he is going to and then getting caught up and forgetting (and as we live apart because of work that has me imagining all kinds of things).
If it is any consolation at all, your OH has said she wants to spend time together when she comes back. She is getting some much needed time to empty her mind of all the bc sh*t and do something different like hill walk, I am sure she is just somewhere with a difficult signal or caught up in her break with mates. As bad news always travels faster than good, I am sure if there was anything worrying, she or someone you both know would have let you know by now.
Maybe too not texting and ringing - however difficult it is for you to do that - may make her more keen to be in touch on her return. I sometimes find silence is the best answer, as it piques the curiosity. I am sure she will be wondering what you are up to and be keen to meet on her return.
Just a little tip, I find that when I am doing the waiting and worrying, sometimes it is easier to switch my phone off for a few hours. This goes against the grain - my phone and I are seldom parted! - but it means you can relax for a while without phone watching and just check for messages every now and again. There is a strange feeling of being back in control rather than being at someone else’s beck and call.
Hang on in there x
Homerboy
Mary grace is right,maybe not contacting her might make her more keen to see you when she gets back.It is bound to add to her curiosity,wondering how you are coping without the contact and it might just be as simple as no signal.
My other half(if you can call him that)is married to and lives with someone else so I know all about long lonely days and waiting for calls that don’t come but ,after 20 years,I’ve learned to live with it and on the plus side,it makes the time spent together worth the wait.
Be strong ,if it’s meant to be it’ll be worth the wait.Chin up
Carole
Well a couple of long weeks have now passed.
Have excahnged a couple of pleasatn mails/texts with OH since she has been back off her walking holiday and even had a telephone conversation and all was pleasant but we havent met yet.
She has been going out with friends and seems to be dashing around them all as if she is never going to see them again. I think the walking holiday and rad may have finally caught up with her as she is now off work sick with flu and tiredness. Sent some get well flowers which seem to be very greatfully received and got a lovely thank you messgae back.
Still trying to stay there in the background and remind her every now and again that I am there.
On the positive side we are speaking, we are in touch albeit from a distance and she does acknowledge things so I am sure not all is lost although this is going to be a long journey whilst she comes to terms with everythign that has happened in the past 12 months.
Am hoping that at sometime between now and the New Year there will be an opportunity to meet up and maybe have a meal together.
Hope you are well.
Hi all
Well not the best start to 2012 but an update as I promised I would give one.
Tried writing to my OH and even made a phone call and we had a long chat about the time of day really but she appeared to be very cagey on the phone which was very strange.
We crossed paths at an xmas function and it all became a little clearer. One of the friends she had gone on the walking holiday with was male and she had actually started a relationship with him, which now explains some of the odd behaviour. I have since e mailed and called to ask why but I get no response. What makes it worse is that the person is actually married and lives with someone else so she only sees him on the odd occasion. I have heard through other people that she feels extremely guilty but I just do not understand it.
I know I found it difficult to deal with through the treatment but my heart was in the right place, I just didnt know what to do for the best.
She hasn’t had final checks yet so I know that must be a huge concern and cannot imagine what it feels like.
I guess in my heart of hearts I am hoping that there will be a possibility of salvaging something in the future.
On the positive side at least she is ok and by all intents and purposes seems to be happy. Maybe I just reminded her of the illness.
I will stay on the forum and help as many others as I can in the hope that they do not end up in the same position.
Best wishes to you all for 2012 x
HB, how sad for you, and for her too.
Here, have a hug.
(hug)
Give the helpline a ring and see if they have anyone in a similar position they can put you in touch with, and do keep posting. Here’s hoping you and your lady can sort things out so that you’re both happy.
CM
x
Hi homerboy
I’m sorry to hear your news but have huge admiration for the way you have dealt with the whole issue. I really don’t think you could have done any more.
Her new relationship doesn’t sound very satisfactory but it’s her choice. BC affects us all in different ways.
I hope that 2012 improves for you
Have a hug from me too. {{{ }}}
Jan xx
HB I just wanna send you a hug as it must be a very difficult time for you… When my marriage fell apart 10 years ago (pre BC days) my oh went on a walking holiday too and I later found out he was having a relationship with the woman who he had gone with and she was also married with a baby… We did try and make a go of it but he continued to be unfaithfull so 18 months later it ended for good… It broke my heart… It was the worst thing that ever happened was worse than getting BC… But that’s all in the past… And my partner now is supportive even though we have had our problems and a break things are generally good now.
Take care xxx
Dear homerboy
Just wanted to add a hug to the others being sent your way. I wish you every happiness for the future and all you’d wish for yourself x
Keep smiling and looking forwards xx
Sharon
Hi Homerboy,
Have been looking out for your posts, so sorry to hear things have not gone too well, such a very difficult time. From your postings on here you really seem to have tried your very best to get things back on track. I am sure your experience (sadly) will be a great help to others, wishing you the very best with whatever your hopes and dreams are for 2012 take care and lots of hugs to you xx.
Hi Katyc
Thanks for your message.
I have tried my best and that is all I can do.
I wont give up hope just yet, it is still early days really.
Yes I do hope my experience can help others and I will do anything I can to help anyone in a similar position.
Big hugs right back at ya x
Hope you are well x
I’m very sorry to hear this. One of the things that struck me about you was the honesty with which you seem to express yourself. I’d suggest thinking hard about whether you could cope with being with someone who hasn’t returned that same honesty to you.
I do understand it’s difficult circumstances and that might account for her behaviour towards you but you do also need to take care of yourself too.
However things turn out for you, and I hope they turn out as you wish, I think its great how much you’ve looked at all this and how you’ve coped with it all.
take care and wish you all the best, Elinda x
Hi Homerboy,
This is going to sound awful but just maybe she knows that because your love for her is unconditional, she can treat you any way she wants too because she knows you will be there for her no matter what. So maybe don’t be too quick to answer texts, calls etc, you really never know what you have until it’s not there any longer, if you know what I mean.
I really hope for your happiness, you are very kind and caring person, xx