Reliving the treatment ...

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Reliving the treatment …

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Reliving the treatment … Hi everyone, I was diagnosed in Jan 06 and nine months of treatment, chemo, surgery and radiotherapy followed. I finished treatment at the end of October 06. Everything is ok, I’m feeling good and have just had the most amazing holiday. Why then do I have such vivid flashbacks to treatment? Its almost as if I’m going through it all again. For example, last Friday it was a year ago since my second chemo and in my mind everything about that day is crystal clear and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I just want to leave it all behind me (as far as thats possible).

I have to have a mini op at the end of March (nothing to do with b.c.) and it could be anxiety about the op bringing back all these memories. I just wondered whether anyone else was experiencing similar feelings/memories.

Sunshine

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what you are experiencing seems very comon-and l had it as well.It was explained that after the roller coaster of diagnosis,tratment etc when you stop attending hospital the time when security blanket is taken away is very hard.we then have time to reflect and FEEL the fear and anxiety of what we experienced. I had counselling at this point which was helpful-as felt family etc only wanted to hear we are fine and pressure is on to get back to NORMAL ha ha.Allow yourelf to be upset angry etc about the bloody disease-its ok!!! Hang in there as it will get easier in a windy road way!
hugs sharon x

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hope you feeling better just wanted to say hope you feeling better.been thinking about you
take care love sharon x

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Hi Sharon Thank you for your reply and good wishes. I have been thinking things over. You are so right that whilst going through treatment thats what I concentrated on. I couldn’t afford to allow myself to fully feel my emotions, partly because they were pretty scary and partly because I just didn’t have the energy to deal with them. I suppose I am shocked at the strength of my feelings and the clarity of my recollections. However, when I look back over the year it was shocking, the diagnosis, and the treatments and their side effects. So perhaps its healthy (although uncomfortable and disturbing) to allow this all to surface, face it and let it go. I haven’t decided about counselling. I think that I need to get through my mini op and then see how I feel. However, if I find that I cannot let things go I will definitely seek help. Like you I am reluctant to share these feelings with my family and friends (although my husband is great and understands having had similar treatment himself). They have all been fantastic over the past year but in a way they need to move on as well as me.

I did feel quite down yesterday as I had one of those inexplicable days when I felt exhausted, in fact I was out shopping and had to abandon the shops and come home, an unknown event! Today I feel good and upbeat.

I really appreciated your reply which gave me considerable food for thought. I hope all is good for you and that you are enjoying this wonderful spring weather.

best wishes and thanks

Sunshine

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RELIVING I RECENTLY MET A WOMAN WHO HAD B C OVER 30 YEARS AGO! SHE TALKED IN DETAIL ABOUT HER EXPERIENCES AS IF IT WAS LAST WEEK. MAYBE WHEN YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS NIGHTMARE IT STAYS WITH YOU BUT IT WONT ALWAYS BE YOUR EVERY THOUGHT.
STAY POSITIVE
LOVE SHIRL

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Hi Shirleyos Thats really interesting. I guess its one of those landmarks which will always be there, like when you first leave school, get married, have a baby etc - only not such a happy one!

I had another three monthly check up and the results of my first mammogram since diagnosis yesterday. Please to say everything was ‘absolutely normal’. So I am feeling more relaxed, even though I have a mini op (nothing to do with b.c.) to look forward to on Tuesday.
I am hoping that when that is dealt with I will feel more able to move on.

best wishes

Sunshine

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Same here I think of it as a kind of post traumatic stress…

I too had the flash backs and at one point almost dreaded going to bed as I knew the nightmares would start, but I also knew it was part of the whole thing for me and that it was a good thing as it was my bodies way of dealing with it in order to heal and move on.

It was a terribly freightening time in my life that I was unable to deal with at the time as I was so busy doing what I had to do to get through it all.

I have found that whenever I have experienced anything significant in my life then I tend to go back over it and relive it.

Im sure we are all the same and holidays and special events are great to relive but the cancer is not a pleasant memory to have to relive at all but we have to go through it in order to move on dont you think.

I believe that talking about it is the best thing to do and that this site is perfect for that as we are all here for each other and there is always someone at the same stage of the process as myself or further on and able to give advice and much needed support.

I find myself saying ‘Im not mad after all’ quite a lot LOL.

Love and hugs

Onward and upward

Neenie xx

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Thanks Neenie Particularly for the last line which made me giggle.

You are right about still being at a ‘stage of the process’. In many ways I thought it was all over when the treatment finished but clearly its not (for me anyway). Yes, this site is great and has really helped me all the way through.

I have my mini op (nothing to do with BC) tomorrow and feel quite scared, although my rational mind says there’s nothing to worry about. I do think this is aggravating the flashbacks.

thanks for the support

as you say, onwards and upwards,

Sunshine