A couple of months ago my mum was diagnosed with BC. She had a mastectomy and somehow came out of the operation smiling only to hear that the tumour was much bigger than they expected and that it has spread to all of the lymph nodes that they removed. Its now stage 3 grade 3. We get the results of bone scans etc tomorrow to see if it has already spread any further. My family has battled with cancer before when my little sister had leukaemia and even though my mum is the most positive, strongest person I know, I can feel myself sinking. She is the glue that holds our family together and I’m absolutely terrified of losing her. The 3 of us (me, my mum and my sister) are so close I’ve never thought of a day when one of us might not be there. But then I feel as though I’m grieving for a loss that hasn’t happened yet or might not happen for a very long time. Is this something I need to snap myself out of or is it all part of the process? I’m struggling to be strong for her at the moment and I don’t want her to waste much needed energy on holding me up. Do I share my feelings with her or should I be reassuring her all the time? I’d really appreciate any advice from anyone who knows how I feel or how my mum might be feeling.
HI Em24
So sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis and the fact that the spread was much more than was expected. I too have not only had breast cancer but had to go through 2 other members of my family having cancer treatment - my dad had a form of leukaemia(he’s now fine thankfully) and my sister had a melanoma in my eye. My mum thankfully is fine although she had a scare a number of years ago and I was absolutely petrified of what might be - just as you are. It’s an awful feeling. I was with my sister when she was given her diagnosis (I had not long been out of treatment myself) I had the most awful feeling inside me and I so feel for you as I won’t forget it. We’re also a very close family and it was very hard.
When I was being diagnosed, all I wanted to hear was positive stuff - I was so scared that I couldn’t deal with other people’s feelings so I would suggest not telling your mum exactly how you are feeling but be reassuring her that you will be there for her through whatever it is she needs to go through to get her better.
I do really feel for you for what you are going through.
Ruby xx
Hi
I am not sure what advice to give you. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your mum and sister are going through such a worrying time. I am a mum but my children are very little. All I want for them is that they are happy and as little effected by my cancer as possible. I am sure you are a great support to your mum but you need support too. Remember the helpline is there for you too. After tomorrow you will hopefully have a better idea of what you a dealing with and a treatment plan. Once you have this you will know what they are going to do to help your mum and you can make plans. It is very hard to wait for results especially when in the past you have had bad news.
Hope you get good news tomorrow. Debx
Hi Em, Sorry to hear about your Mum and the lymph node involvement, l have had three ops in three months the last being a mastectomy, my first operation was to remove the lump and my lymph nodes, l had 16/18 infected, l had scans and mri, thankfully after waiting two weeks they were clear, and l hope they stay that way, but we never know. l was quite frantic and put a thread up about lymph node involvement, and had so many wonderful replies, some with more lymph nodes that l had involved, and it does make you feel a little happier that they are still here one was 19 years down the line. one lady had all her lymph nodes infected, she was over a year down the line and had just gone back to work, l think she was a teacher, she may come on and give you some support.
I hope your Mum gets the results you are hoping for tomorrow.
You are obviously all in shock. If you were mine, l would want you to share your feelings, this is hard enough, without not knowing how our loved ones really feel, don’t be brave, talk to your Mum, yes you can share your feelings and still be reassuring.
I have two sons 33 and 35, they were with me when l was diagnosed, l have been able to cry in front of them, and l feel better for it, l would hate it if l had to put on a happy face, when l really felt very sad. They along with my husband have been a big support for me, because l can shed a tear with them.
Take care of yourself and your Mum and sister
Be thinking of your tomorrow.
Love and Hugs
Sandra xxx
Hi Em
I am sorry to read of your Mums diaganosis. As well as the support and information you are receiving from the other forum users you may find it helpful to talk your feelings through with someone on the BCC helpline. Here you are able to share your concenrns with a trained member of staff who will offer you a ‘listening ear’. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 9 to 2pm. Please do give them a call as sometimes just talking things over can really help.
Best wishes
Sam (BCC Facilitator)
Thank you for your lovely comments, its been very reassuring to know there are so many other people who understand exactly how I feel! Your advice on speaking to my mum gave me the strength to be honest and tell her how frightened I was. She said exactly what you said Sandra, she was so happy i wasn’t putting on a happy face for her anymore (although I think I was doing a pretty rubbish job at it anyway!). She’s got her results, it looks like it hasn’t spread any further which is brilliant news! Bone scans etc all came back clear. Thank you for pointing me in the direction of lymph node thread, again, its so reassuring to hear everyones stories and hear from people so much further down the line. My mum’s just had her first round of chemo and although she is very tired she is somehow still smiling and feeling positive which I’m hoping is half the battle won. thank you again for all your brilliant advice and reassurance, it really has given me the strength to support my mum as best I can. xxx
Hi EM24
Really pleased you talked to your Mum,and everything is out in the open.
Hope your Mum can come on here and perhaps get a bit of support! the chemo is the easy part! the scans and worrying about results is the worst!
What chemo is your Mum having? l am having 3 FEC and 3 TAX, just done the 3 FEC have my 1st TAX on friday 13th! but what else can go wrong?
Hope she has a wig sorted out?
Give your Mum our Love and Best Wishes, you take care of her, there will be lots of ups and downs, so lots of support and if you or your Mum need any questions answered the helpline are great, as we are! always someone that knows something!
Love and Hugs
Sandra xxx