I’ve not been on this forum for a couple of years now and it’s so lovely to see it’s still here, such a relief to find ladies to share our darkest thoughts, fears and hopes with. I’m so sorry I’ve not checked in to offer my support to other ladies for so long, I used to and then I guess life just moves along and you find a new normal…
I’ve got my 4 year mammogram next Tuesday at The Royal Marsden. I always start to get stressed when September moves into October, the rest of the year my fears are never far away but they don’t interfere with me getting on with life - it is there to be lived after all isn’t it!
For some reason this year I have an awful sense of foreboding washing over me. I don’t know why but a little voice inside my head is suggesting an outcome of my scan that I don’t want to even think about. It’s affecting my sleep, my relationship a little as I’m a bit snappy (with a very understanding partner) and I’m struggling to concentrate on my work which is very full-on.
Today I feel really lonely. I’ve decided to work from home as I don’t want to put a smiley face on but I’m struggling to focus and I don’t know what to do to distract myself otherwise it’s going to be a very long couple of weeks to my scan and then waiting for the result…
I also feel like I should bloomin well snap out of it, that I should be grateful my BC journey was so much easier than so many other ladies. An early diagnosis from regular screening with a lumpectomy and 20 rounds of radiotherapy back in 2017 with 5 years of Letrozole to follow - what have I got to moan about?!!
If anyone has some good ideas to help me get back on with my life (and park my fears) that would be much appreciated.
First of all, rid yourself of that idea that you were luckier than others and therefore have no right to feel as you do. I have secondary and triple negative bc after just 18months of peace of mind and I don’t think you’re any less worthy of these feelings. A breast cancer diagnosis is appalling and having it hanging over us like the sword of Damocles is hard work.
I can’t come up with any strategies for you except to ask if there is any reason this time is different. Have you been dutifully examining your breasts? Is there any physical symptom? For me, the interesting thing was your very last comment about parking your fears. I have scans every 3 months and have that long wait for results.I have to attend oncology clinic every three weeks and get my blood results (doing well). I’ve also learnt about the difficulties of treating my kind of bc and parking is exactly how I get by. It’s like I have a little box in my head where anything that doesn’t bear thinking about is parked. I’ll deal with it when I have to. It takes a bit of concentration at first - bad thought - not going to think about it - shove it in the box.
I wish you all the best with your mammogram. One of the good things about being on lifelong chemo is I no longer have to have that annual mammogram, the thought of which would make me feel ill. So I do understand how you feel. But what can you do about it? Not go is foolish (I’ve tried that one lol). Fretting is a waste of time. Park it and enjoy your life if you can.
I can totally relate to this. I was diagnosed with BC in July 2019. The first yr mammogram I didn’t feel worried but this time round I had a lot more anxiety leading up to the scan. And then the long wait for the results. And then I worry that maybe they missed something anyway as my BC didn’t show up on 2 mammograms. I also find that any ache and pain I worry it’s back. I do have to keep giving myself a talking to but I think the anxiety will always be there to some degree. I was speaking to a friend yesterday, who had BC in 2008 and she told me she still worries but I’m trying to park these thoughts and move on, but it is hard. Hope your scan goes ok x