Scared it will return
Scared it will return Hello everyone,
I am a 29 year old woman and like many people I am new to the forum.
I finished my treatment back in January of this year, I had surgery, chemo and rads. I was very much of the opinion through the treatment that “I am going to beat this” and was as positive as I could be.
However now that I have finished all the too-ing and fro-ing from hospital, and all the treatment apart from Tamoxifen, I am absolutely petrified of the dreaded bc coming back. I am always checking myself, I found a sort of lump in my breast and went back to the hospital 2 weeks ago and they did all the tests but came to the conclusion that it was nothing. I know I should be reassured by this but I know of people that have had scares, and gone back to the hospital to be told that it was nothing and not to worry. Only to find later that it had come back and it was now to late for them to do anything. I know I am probably being paranoid. But I think about it everyday, and if it does come back and I am told it is terminal I have even thought of a way to take my own life in as pleasant way as possible. I don’t want to be remembered as the girl who died from cancer.
Please help, does anyone else feeel like this?
For Nicola1 Hello Nicola,
Welcome to the forums where I am sure you will get lots of help and support.
I am sorry to learn you are so troubled at the moment. You are not alone, there are organisations who are there to help.
If you feel you need to speak to someone in confidence please call our freefone helpline which is open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm, the number to call is 0808 800 6000. The staff here are either breast care nurses or trained people who have experience of breast care issues.
Samaritans provides confidential emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress. They are there for you if you’re worried about something, feel upset or confused, or you just want to talk to someone, telephone 0845 790 9090 samaritans.org.uk/
I hope this is of help.
Kind regards
BCC Host
You’re not on your own Hi Nicola1
You are most definitely not on your own. I think I was fairly strong going through my treatment and was very positive. All that changed when my surgeon said on one of my check ups that the chances of it coming back were “high”. As you can imagine it was like a bomb going off! Its just really changed everything for me - to the point when I think about songs to be played at my funeral!
I know I have to keep strong and make the most of everyday, but that is causing problems between my boyfriend and me. He is so laid back and always has been but I’ve changed my outlook since my diagnosis and want to make the most of everyday and sometimes it feels like I’m having to drag him along too which absolutely drives me nuts.
I’m not sure my story will make you feel any better, but you’re not on your own and you must try to stay positive. If you’re not happy with what you’ve been told , go back and ask to speak to someone else.
Take care and keep your chin up.
Skippy x
Oh yes! Hi Nicola,
you are certainly not on your own with your feelings! I am only a 3rd of the way through my chemo and already I’m thinking what happens once its all finished. I found out today that I am HER2 + and my prognosis is now really starting to worry me.
I’m am finding the mental side of the disease increasingly difficult to deal with and the thought of a recurrence once treatment is over is never far from my mind. Today I was so upset I phoned the Breast Cancer Care helpline, my bc nurse and my research nurse. And to top it all off I then booked myself in for some counselling!
Occasionally I’ve found myself thinking of what songs I would want played at my funeral! Not sure if anyone else has ever done that? I’m desperately trying not to be morbid and to keep my positive outlook but its hard to be positive all the time.
This is really tough and you are certainly not alone in your feelings,
Take care,
Kelly
-x-
Me Too! Hi Nicola1,
I finished chemo in Feb. After the initial devastation of the DX I started to become quite positive, untill I learnt about what secondaries and re-occurances were and discovered that I had lymphovascual invasion. I too worry that it will return, and feel really paranoid if I have any aches or pains, I try to follow a 2 week rule, if it’s still there in 2 weeks then pursue it. I sometimes imagine myself in a hospice and have thought of what I’d like said at my funeral! I have to say that I’m not in the pit that I was in a few months ago, but still have the odd wobbly weeks, but it does get a bit easier, I have found councelling helpfull and would recommend it. Everytime I’m having a black moment I try and think of the positives in my disease (No lymph node involvment and clear tissues) and remind myself that worring isn’t the way I want to live my life ( hard to think that on a really bad day I know!) . I hope this helps you in realising there are plenty of us out there feeling exactly the same.
All the best, Lisa x
Thankyou everyone for all your comments, I am glad I am not alone and not going mad like I thought 
I am doing my best to stay positive and have decided since my last post to do a skydive for Breast Cancer Care in August.
Not to trivialise at all what I have said before, but I have decided (on my strong days) to live life to the full, it isn’t gonna wait for me !!
Love to you all
hi nicola1,
know how you feel…i started a thread under living with breast cancer headed ‘’ WORRIED HOW MUCH LONGER ‘’ LUCK ‘’
WILL LAST…your certainly not on your own nor going mad.
love
karen