scared now the reality has hit me

Hi guys, talk about being a yoyo! Im up n down n now all over the place. I wish I had a partner or a husband to support and care for me. I just need to be hugged, friends are brilliant but their not there in the middle of the night. That’s when im at my lowest point. Does anyone else feel like this? 

Now today, I have woke up and its hit me that I have cancer!  Hate that c word but I cant escape from it. 

Im fed up as to have a second bout of surgery tomorrow as the first didnt have a sufficient clear margin round the “c”, apparently only 1mm clearance. It just all feels too much to cope with today! Up til yesterday I have been amazingly strong and everyone I know has been telling me how well I am coping…but im not coping really, I just put a brave face on when really im screaming inside. Im sorry to be so miserable this morning. Its so hard isn’t it. Love n hugs to all you guys who are feeling like me or possibly even worse. Xxxx




Hi loobylou111

Please do give our helpline team a ring and talk to them about how you are feeling, they’re here to support you through this.  Lines open this morning at 9am through to 5pm 0808 800 6000.  Calls are free from landlines and most mobiles.

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

Hi Loobyloo  -  yes it does hit you very suddenly and very unexpectedly and you are not alone in feeling like you do.   I too like you had to have a second op as they didn’t get clear margins and its like the ‘straw’ that broke the camels back - you seem to be coping very well and all of a sudden wham a huge setback, more surgery, more worry and more tears.   I do have a long term partner and it does help a lot but to be honest the ‘middle of the night’ worries were there for me too and I didn’t want to wake him so in effect was on my ‘own’ at those times with my dark thoughts and scared myself half to death.  Cancer is horrid and yes you should say it out loud it does help you come to terms with it and like many others before you, you will get the inner strength to take you though it - once your surgery is done and they have a complete check of all the tissue they will grade you and you will get your treatment plan - this is the ‘good’ bit ie this is the bit where you take control and you know whats happening and you will feel so much better - rather than a patient with cancer which is how I felt at the start.   Lots of hugs, my thoughts are with you and you will get loads of support and advice from this site and the BCC helpline is a lifeline too.    I am five years down the line (next week is my five year anniversary) and I still remember the feelings I had then but I am now fit, healthy and happy - there is light at the end of that long dark tunnel I promise xxxx

Aww bless you, I cant imagine how it must feel going through this without a partner or husband *hugs* you have us all here to support you along your journey. I know we are not here in the middle of the night which doesn’t help. Hopefully when you get your surgery over you will feel a little better. Its bad enough having surgery once without having to go through it all again. I think you should speak to your BCN and tell her your worries and concerns she may be able to help you. Night time is always the worst time as its then you think more. I hope you have a better day today, lean on all those that offer the support and don’t worry about being strong at this time! sometimes you just cant be strong and its okay to have a cry. xxx

Hi - no partner here either and know exactly how you feel xxx I’m often awake 2 am 4 am and the sense of loss not having someone there is very difficult - I’m usually on this forum then! I hope that today has been OK to manage - I get my results from my bilateral on Thursday but had my camel back broken on Xmas eve when the orevious decision to leave my left breast was reversed - you will get through this as hard as it is xxx we are all here for you xx much love sarah

Hi Loubiloo, totally get what you mean, it just seems relentless some days doesn’t it and brave faces are exhausting after a while.  I’m on my own too and although I haven’t had my surgery yet, I have had loads of late night/early morning weeping sessions where I can only see worst case scenarios.  Thankfully a chat with a friend the next day or post on here helps no end.


Haven’t got any words of wisdom to offer other than to keep posting as, like Sarah, I’m often reading these boards in the early morning and will give any help I can, even if it’s just so you know you’re not alone.


Good luck with tomorrow’s surgery



Rose - I would say you are one of the least self pitying people out there x allow yourself a bit of a “low” you are more than entitled x Monday will come and go quickly - You hang in there xx

I’ve been amused by electric shocks this evening over my right chest - I have to place my hand on my chest to stop them - it’s been making me smile - it’s like my body is waking up and saying ‘screw you cancer’ xxx

Roll on February !
Gentle hugs

Lol - laughed out loud about the idea of plugging into the mains rose! Shocking died down in the night - my little nerve endings what must they think?!
I think we really missed a trick here with football clubs - my daughter is a season ticket holder at norwich City - yellow and green - oh yeeeessss. ~ I qualify!!!

I feel exactly the same, it cant be happening to me, me who has always been so fit and healthy and apart from my hysterectomy for fibroids 7 years ago, rarely ill, i walk loads, never smoked, never been over weight, eat healthily, yes im over 60 but ive never felt it, How can a silly little lump cause all this, and i still feel so well,. Middle of night is worse, as i  live alone, have great friends but in middle of night, just me. Lumpdectomy next week, then poss chemo, dreading that the most.  I cant get my head around it.June

just a check in to send some positives to looby looxxx hope u feeling a little better today x

Stupid cancer indeed.
Had a low early evening yesterday - everything sort of hitting me - diagnosis consultations mri biopsy bilateral mx recovery room results day pending - it’s been such a huge amount to take in that I think I am going to need some kind of counselling to get over this but am sooooo not a counselling type - it makes me depressed tp even vaguely acknowledge it. Stupid cancer. Can’t drive yet. Stupid cancer. Can’t take my girls to London this Sunday so they are going with their friends and family without me. Stupid cancer. Parents still here visiting to look after me and my teenage daughters - they are looking so tired and I feel such a burden. They would b so angry with me if I told them that but it feels all the wrong way round. Stupid cancer. When the reality hits - for me in the middle of the TV awards and right now before the birds wake up - it feels like I will never get the old me back and I’m not sure I’m ready for the new me. It can be overwhelming. But tomorrow is another day of waiting at the hospital so I will get up, plaster on my smile and dust off once more. Stupid stupid cancer. Lots love s xxx

Sarah I’m sending you HUGE great soft hugs, so sorry you’ve had a horrible evening but not surprised as you’ve had more than most to deal with and must be shattered by now.  I’m sure you’re right about your parents being tired but I guess that’s caused by stress/worry more than anything else and they probably feel glad that they are able to be of some practical help rather than just having to stand by and watch you have such a hard time.  It’s rubbish that stupid cancer takes such a toll on the people we love isn’t it :frowning:


You are just about the most positive person I’ve come across and a genuine inspiration on how to deal with stupid cancer but trying a bit of counselling can only be a good thing.  Frankly, I think we should all take whatever help is available as there are no Brownie points for suffering unnecessarily.  Maybe you could ask your BCN for a counselling referral or phone your nearest The Haven?


Can’t remember what you’re attending hospital for today but whatever it is, I hope it goes well for you and don’t you dare be apologetic for being a bit down, you are a Wonder Woman in the way you are coping and I can only look on with awe.


Take good care of yourself



Hi Sharon x thx this really helped xxx
I’ve got path results and been having issues with drain site healing correctly ( just one more thing?) so hosp going to look at it today also . Stupid cancer x ( I’m loving that - might get my boy to mock me up a tshirt) x thx again - I know I should probably try counselling but the idea of sitting with a box of tissues and someone ‘sincere’ not to mention making any more appointments related to stupid cancer - just can’t face it at the moments. So today? A we get through today - right ladies? Lots love and thx again - I’d be insane by now if it wasn’t for this forum . Sarah

Hi all x just popping in to thank you again - was walking one of those low days but feel a bit better tonight. Pathology results positive that not in lymph nodes ( mini celebration time) so no rads. 10 years tamoxifen - so boo hiss to early menopause ; one of the side effects is but sleeping so not like that one will bring on anything new;) - oh and I’ve got an appointment on 4 feb with consultant oncologist to discuss chemo - but this is to discuss whether we do or don’t so I’m v drained but have edged myself back gently onto the sunshine path a bit x thx all again - your support overwhelms me when u are each going through the same x

Sarah that’s definitely worth celebrating, it’s another sign that you’ve got stupid cancer beaten :slight_smile:

Dearest LoobyLou,


I’m in the same boat with no partner or hubby and also no family. You are right about the middle of the night bit. I go to bed at night with the fear of waking up in the early hours and 9 times out of 10 I do. This is when I grab one of my cats (mad cat lady!) and cuddle them whether they want it or not. The purring calms me most times. Other times I try to imagine a golden light going through my body and calming me. Again most times I’m asleep before I get all round myself!


Keep posting here cos it really does help and is getting me through that interminable wait for my biopsy results (this Monday).


Love Rosie xxxxxxx

Hi Loubyloo


I was told Monday that it was Grade 2 Ductal with a spread to my lymph node. No treatment plan as yet as they hadn’t had their MDT meeting, so I go back tomorrow at 10.10am to get the treatment plan. I do know it will be surgery and 6 x chemo sessions but i don’t yet know the order. I read someone’s experiences of chemo recently and where I was OK before at the thought of it I am now absolutely terrified. I have no idea how I am going to cope with it on my own plus the expense of all those taxi fares to and from hospital is going to break me financially (on a low income at the mo).


Rosie xxxxx



Thanks Sarah and Gazzlyn,


That does help. As i posted on the other thread a few mins ago no treatment plan tomorrow, instead an MRI scan and (hopefully) the treatment plan at the end of next week. I spoke to the BCN on the phone and she is leaving me out some info at the Breast Screen Reception desk on how to get financial assistance. So i will pick that up tomorrow before the scan.


It’s just that you think that you have used up all your positivity to get to results day and then you find you have to stretch it a bit further and then a bit further after that. Then you get to wondering how far you can actually stretch mentally before you snap all together.


Rosie xx

Feel exactly the same! Diagnosed with Grade 2 invasive ductal on Monday. Will need mastectomy and rads then possibly chemo. Just wasn’t prepared for this- I’m a relatively fit 45 year old mum of 3,never smoked etc etc! Feeling sorry for myself today, think it’s just hitting me what’s to come. Trying so hard to put a brave face on at work and in front of hubby and kids but finally lost it today? please tell me there’s light at the end of the tunnel? Tried to ring breast care nurse today but they’re not in?. Got so many questions. Jackie x

Hi Jackie - I’m mum of three never smoked and also 45 ! Just wanted to say there is light - mine sometimes still gets a bit foggy as I am early days had bilateral mx on 12 jan and waiting for oncology meeting next week but I do try to focus on good news bits and pieces - you will too x there is masses of support on here and we never mind if you are up or down x no one chooses to have cancer but there are amazing clinical teams in this country that will be working round the clock to get you wellx hang in there xxx sarah