Secondaries & other events

I mostly find that I can just about cope with the usual slings and arrows that secondaries bring me, but when they collide with other life events, that is the time when i most wobble or even become very distant.

My father is dying currently in a hospital in suffolk - i am due to fly down on Friday. I received a phone call today from the hospital, whilst i was having herceptin telling me he was fading fast. I may miss him. But i know that i cannot make that journey by train and certainly not by car.

I think it’s fair to say we had a ‘complicated’ relationship of late, arising from his relationship with a couple that were basically preying on him and who have stolen about £60,000 from him. (it seems such people do exist). I am under great pressure from my sister to come and ‘sort this all out’. Dealing with problems was my previous role in the family prior to bc.

My mother died suddenly - whilst I was having radiotherapy, and I wished I had seen her before, she was very special.

There is a part of me that wants to avoid the lot of it, and another part that is very upset and et another part which is entirely disengaged.

I don’t expect anyone to come up with solutions/advice or anthing. I am just rambling, and trying to make sense of it all. Defeats me currently.

Hi Celeste, when my Mum died last year I wanted to disengage myself completely at times. The night she died I stayed till the end but as we looked very alike this freaked me a bit. It wasn’t a particularly peaceful end, she also had cancer, ovarian and I couldn’t help thinking I wouldn’t want my family to have to see me in such distress sometime in the future. Like you I tend to sort out family stuff as I have dithering siblings at times and organising the funeral, with my sister, did help me at the time.
How awful to have the problem with the couple too.
Thinking of you…a difficult time…hang in there Celeste…Belinda…x

Dear Celeste,I dont have any solutions for you either.Life for me during treatment was one dreadful happening after another.God knows why these things happen when they do - and to us rather than Jill Bloggs down the road.I can only say that I’ve been there and got the t-shirt.I had to put myself on automatic pilot and plough on,doing everything that was expected of me but without getting too emotionly involved.I did at times feel an inner strength taking over but don’t ask me were it came from!My thoughts are with you.

Josie x

Thanks Belinda and Josie - well nobody said life…but it would be quite nice to get a good nights sleep.

Off to try again.

I hope that you got some sleep and I hope that you get down to see your Dad.
I understand that you can cope with the day to day cr*p that we have to deal with and I know what happens when we’re given extra worries and stress.

I am a fan of autopilot and find that i have time to review a situation after it’s all over, no idea if this is the right way to do things, but it stops me worrying at the time and makes me ‘strong’ (as people tell me…YUK)

I seem to be the person in our family that does everything and helps everyone, but in my situation now I feel like saying sort it out yourselves, I’m not going to be here forever, and maybe that’s what scares me. Who will sort out all of these things when I’m not here. I feel guilty that I won’t be able to help my family and friends forever. So at each issue that we come across, I too don’t know whether to be the problem solver yet again or tell them to sort it out and run in the opposite way but have a sneeky look and see how they cope.

Sorry to have gone on and I hope that you have a safe journey.

al x

I just want to wish you a good journey and send you my best, entirely understand what you mean about being in parts…I hope that this isn’t too much for you and you do what is right for you - arent pressured by other relatives at this time and can get to see your dad,


Hi Celeste
I also find that secondary BC leaves me much less able/confident about coping with life’s troubles - and it sounds like you are having a terrible time.
I hope you find peace enough to sleep and that you get to see your dad. Is it to much to point out to other members of your family that maybe you are not at a place in your life where you can organise for them?
All the best

Celeste - I’m so sorry to hear your latest news which is now 3 days old so have no idea whether you got there or not.
You would have done your best through their lifetime and now you are facing your own battles and it is unfair of anybody (especially family) to expect you to get involved in these matters now.
I wish you peace and that you did get to your dad on time.
Thinking of you at this time.

So sorry you have so much to deal with celeste - hope the journey is OK, take care , Jayne

hey celeste we are all stood behind you with an invisible hug ,hope everything turns out ok remeber you need to look after you ,surely after a life time of looking after everyone else you deserve that .take care my thoughts are with you at this very difficult time .lynn xx

Hi Celeste

Hope you have managed to see your dad and to resist your sister’s pleas that you sort out family problems.

I find these days I can’t cope with every day crises let alone big stuff.

Take care.


Unfortunately the flight was delayed, with the consequence that my dad died before i got there. They had left his mouth wide open (he would absolutely have hated that - surely they could have closed it couldn’t they?). Anyway we all spent some time with him afterwards tho.

I telephoned the couple and asked them over to the house - (shamefully I told them my dad had left something for them - I didn’t tell them it was the wrath of his family) they whizzed round in seconds!

I very coldly told them off the familys concerns re missing money and ruined relationships. I gave them 24 hrs to come up with a comprehensive list of all they had taken - or else i would notify police/benefit office (they are claiming).

The gave us a list the next day - not sure it’s comprehensive - but at least i got my mums jewellery and belongings back.

All very upsetting and very tawdry, and made me wonder

firstly I am sorry you didn’t make it in time and I send you my deepest sympathy.
Some people are shameless and this couple are bl…dy disgusting. Glad you got back your mum’s jewelery.
You have done more than your bit, so please take time for you I am sure your mum will be looking down with pride at the way you have dealt with things, while struggling with sh.t disease.

Love Debsxxx

Hi Celeste,
Have been away for a few days so am getting to this thread late. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you’re having such a difficult time of it at the moment. Coping with secondary breast cancer is enough of a huge battle and I really hope you get the support you need and are not left with all the sorting out following your father’s death. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to come to terms with everything.
Thinking of you and giving a big cyber hug.
Anne xx

Hi, just to echo what I said in my text, you know where I am if you need a chat/coffee/lunch etc. Sorry you’re having such a crap time - that couple are despicable and very lucky you haven’t reported them.

Take care
Lesley x

Hi Celeste
Sending you big hugs at this difficult time. How brave of you to stand up to this despicable couple…I hope you get all of your list back and hopefully more
I know what you mean about being the person everyone relys on in the family. I am that person in my family. I find it very exhausting now that I have secondaries and my family can’t understand why I wont organise holidays, day out and meals like I used to…I am constantly being told ‘‘you do it soo well’’ that at times I wonder how they will manage when I am not there. We went away at Easter and I ended up organising most of the days out and what we were doing as no one else would. I wonder how they will manage when I am not around to sort everything
Wishing you all the best
xx Jools


I admire you for standing up to these people, also you did it in a really effective way (maybe you should still report them as their conduct sounds criminal to me),when I try to stand up to people it always comes out as a squeak of protest ! I am sorry about your Dad.


Hi Celeste…so sorry you didn’t make it in time but a big well done for taking charge and sorting out the horrible couple…look after yourself now…you take care…Love Belinda…x

Thanks everyone for all your support - feeling just very sad.

Celeste, I am sad too just reading this story. What a heartless couple. I guess you will never know whether you have got everything back - probably not - but at some stage you will have to let this sink into the past and not expend valuable energy dwelling on it.

Hope the sadness fades quickly for you.