I haven’t been here for ages, but I think this is the only place I feel safe enough to talk about this.
I was DX some time ago now, but each month I come to do my self examination I am finding it gets harder and harder to keep a lid on my anxiety. I have sought additional mammos when I have felt something change/abnormal, and just feel a complete lack of trust in myself. My original DX was found at a routine mammo - I was completely unaware.
I feel a sense of complete paralysis around examining myself, and I can’t even identify the exact thing I am so anxious about - finding something, missing something, I’m not sure… I don’t even want to attempt an examination at the moment, and I KNOW that is very stupid, but my logical brain isn’t helping my anxious brain on this one!
I just wondered if anyone else had felt the same/similar? Would be kind of nice to know I am not the only person to feel this way…
Yes a little bit - to be fair my tumour was so small that even the BCN couldn’t feel it so I had no chance . At present I’m still having yearly mammogram so the chances are that it would be found. I keep telling myself I must do it if only so that I know how it’s supposed to feel when I come off yearly screening but somehow I never get around to it.This little voice keeps saying well you didn’t find it last time so why would you find it another time - though I had an oil cyst about 3 months after radio and I certainly found that . I’ve always felt weird about doing the self exams if I’m honest - I need to get over it but not sure precisely how I’m going to do that. Someone once said to me that it’s easiest to do it in the bath / shower .
Thank you for replying @JoanneN, I really do appreciate it.
Just as a FYI, I was doing mine in the shower, but more recently it was suggested to me by a consultant, to do it laying down in bed, so that gravity isn’t causing any tissue to compress whilst standing, which can feel like something abnormal, when it is simply tissue bunched up. I totally get what you mean about feeling a bit weird - and laying down doing just feels even weirder (like being in a medical situation) to me!
Maybe someone else might have found a way to overcome getting over things…
I am really sorry that you too feel this anxiety xx
Also glad to know that it isn’t just me and there must be more of us I’m sure . Interesting what your Consultant said about lying down I think it might make it harder to reach everything . Xx
Hi seashellip, I feel exactly the same, it’s 5 months since my last surgery & 3 months since radiotherapy & I keep thinking I can feel lumps. I don’t know now what is normal & what isn’t & it’s making me a bit paranoid. I’ve got my last post op appointment on the 23rd so I’m going to raise these issues & ask what symptoms to look out for in case of recurrence. The fear never ends does it?
Hi @seashellip
My consultant told me the same kat down arm in the air . I had 5cm lesion couldn’t feel it could when I did that to be fair was slightly behind nipple . I agree every time get a pain itch think it’s a recurrence but having yearly mammograms does give you reassurance plus regular check ups I guess we are all in the same club x
@seashellip you are definitely not alone. I had surgery last July, chemo and Herceptin and radio in Janauary. I have ongoing chest wall pain and have seen two physiotherapist. The one at the cancer centre asked me about checking my boobs (I was bilateral/both boobs and had a lumpectomy) and massaging the scar tissue. I said I try to check them, I won’t look at them in the mirror and only occasionally massage the scars. One one side my tumour was so far back it was only found on an MRI. When she asked me I burst into tears, I didn’t expect to get that reaction.
Since then, I have tried so hard to check and massage as she told me the fibrosis (lumpy/thickening on the scars) can be reduced. So I’ve done it, it has got easier as I know I’m helping. Self examination is how I found my first tumour so I know deep down I must do it. I do find moisturising is a good way to massage/check my boobs without thinking too much.
Over the years I have been told a variety of positions to check my boobs. First it was to lie flat, then I was told to lean forward so that you weren’t checking the chest wall and more recently at a recline. It was suggested the recline in a bath is ideal. I tend to check in the bath and then lean forward in front of a mirror to check for changes as well.
I was worried the lumps were something more sinister but had a clear annual mammogram which was a relief.
I hope you find it easier knowing that you are not alone
Hi,
I totally get the anxiety around self examination. Before I had BC I used to put off examining myself just in case I found something. Now and again I would give myself a cursory once over in the shower or lying down. I used to imagine I felt all sorts of lumps and bumps. I did find some cysts at times which were sort of easy to find because they were painful. But I never trusted that I knew what I was doing.
Like you my BC diagnosis was a result of a routine mammogram. I couldn’t feel the lump and the radiographer (?) couldn’t either. I was convinced, when I was recalled after the breast screening that it would be another cyst, but it turned out that I was wrong. So what do I know?
I’m a year post op and just had my first mammogram. I’m really anxious about the result, because I’ve already had a cancer that I didn’t know was there.
I’ve just developed breast lymphoedema, so I have to self massage, but it’s all so lumpy with swelling and scar tissue, I don’t know what’s normal any more! I’m just trusting that the mammogram will reassure me.
Now I tend to ‘over examine’ so I don’t get anxious about what I’m feeling. When I do my lymphatic massage, I also have a feel of my other boob, just sweeping my hand around and under my arm in a casual way. Just satisfying myself everything feels the same as yesterday. I’ve no idea if I’d feel a cancerous lump, I didn’t last time, but I say to myself at least I’m checking and in my eyes, if I do this daily, I don’t get the anxiety that used to build up, when I hadn’t checked for a while and so was dreading finding a lump…if that makes sense.
I think what you’re feeling is understandable. Just do what you can and try not to beat yourself up. You’ll find your way of doing things.
Take care xx
I feel just the same , I feel a bit paralysed by fear that I’ll miss a lump or find a lump in what remains of my breast that does not feel the same as the other one …… so I just am not sure I have any idea what I’m doing or that I’m doing it right.
I wish we could we guided on this and have an educational class on self examination post surgery/ chemo/ radiation , once we are sufficiently healed, especially given scar tissue and other strange bumps that we need to know is our new normal that could help reduce just some of the anxiety - not all granted but might help some way
I usually do my checks in the shower, but I’ve heard that lying down is better. It might sound odd, but I use conditioner on my fingers because it helps them glide more smoothly over my breasts. Next time, I’m going to try it lying down with moisturiser instead.
My breasts are quite lumpy, which I know is normal, but it’s still tough to tell what’s a lump and what’s not. I think it comes down to trusting yourself and being familiar with your own body.
Even though I get anxious about it, I know I have to check, as that’s how I found my lump originally. Now that my mammograms have stopped, I can’t rely on them to detect anything.
I guess it’s about checking regularly and trusting ourselves. I’ve been back to the breast clinic a few times, but thankfully, all has been well so far.
Please take comfort in knowing that many women who have had breast cancer feel exactly the same way and we are all here to support each other. It’s always best to get yourself checked, just to be sure.
You are not alone, I also discovered I had breast cancer from a routine mammogram and didn’t suspect as I had no symptoms and the lump was so small even the ultrasound found it difficult to pick up. As a result I doubt myself on doing a self examination getting paranoid about whether every little lump and bump is new. I was also told that the best way of checking is when you are lying down and found it easier to do this when I am relaxing in the bath. I am still undergoing yearly mammograms so at present putting my faith in that, it isn’t easy to stop worrying though, but hope it may offer some comfort to know you are not alone in this Xxx
Definitely share this fear. I found my lump in the shower less than a year after a clear mammogram and I am absolutely terrified of finding another one even though I know I need to check to catch it early etc. it’s as though it triggers some kind of trauma, I feel shaky and sick at the thought of it x
I am glad I found this thread. I have huge issues around self examination. I found it hard prior to diagnosis as I suffer from health anxiety. I was constantly finding things that didn’t feel quite right and I actually had several occasions when I ended up at the breast clinic. I am 42 so didn’t have routine mamograms
Six weeks prior to my diagnosis I actually had a benign papilloma removed from my left breast. And as part of the investigations for this issue I had MRI, mammograms and ultrasounds carried out on both breasts and they were all normal.
I only went to back to see my consultant because I was anxious and thought I wasn’t healing properly where the papilloma was removed.
My breast surgeon wasn’t at all concerned but suggested an ultrasound on an area of my right breast that felt a little nodular - it turned out to be a 12 mm tumour and I had 2cm of DCIS
I hadn’t noticed anything and nothing was picked up in the MRI , ultrasound and mammogram that I had about nine weeks earlier.
I now find it so hard to trust myself or any of the scanning techniques. I had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy which lead to oedema in my breast so it constantly doesn’t feel right. I get so anxious that I have had about 8 additional ultrasounds since I was diagnosed.
I really don’t know what to do about self examinations.
Hi @pbr you suggest you haven’t had guidance on self examination so I don’t know if you’ve seen this little video from Dr Liz but it gives you some pointers on how to examine yourself. It’s from three years ago so the production values aren’t as good as the videos she does now but the technique she recommends hasn’t changed. Hope I haven’t misunderstood your point
@balchik you are right - the fear doesn’t go away. Even after a few years for me it still gets overwhelming at times. At least having understanding and support here helps a little. Thinking of you xx
(With apologies if tagging you all isn’t right - but as a new (renewed?) user a pop up tells me to consider replying to all at once!)
Thank you all for replying - it is hugely comforting to know I am not alone with this fear. As a tangent - really interesting that some of you check in the bath, because I am still too scared to have a bath for fear of lymphoedema, and haven’t had one in a very long time now! (Maybe that is a whole other thread.) And I too feel physically sick @ivy-cat
I can’t even bring myself to watch the YouTube video @Tigress - at least not this month.
I am thinking of you all and thank you for replying to my message. You will never know how much it means to me to know I am not navigating totally alone. xx
and in my eyes, if I do this daily, I don’t get the anxiety that used to build up, when I hadn’t checked for a while and so was dreading finding a lump…if that makes sense.
