Hi Jo … I can relate to you in some respects as I too have not had sex or any sort of physical contact since before DX Just over a year ago .I too have had mastectomy and find myself very unattractive and sexless since the op so I really cant see how I can expect my OH to see me in any other way than this .He has never touched me nor seen me naked or even kissed me since .I feel like a freak I would never make the first move for fear of him not wanting me …so I have resigned myself to a sexless marriage .I wish things could be different .I am told that men find me attractive ?? perhaps covered up they do so why doesnt my husband fancy me ??If I make a comment i get "you are being ridiculous " or "stop going on its not been all about you "
So what do I do …i just put up and shut up and stay in my cosy house with all the trimmings and get told by people how lucky I am ?Yeah have a big house ,new car nice clothes and two fab kids and my beautiful dogs …so I suppose that has to be enough .I am sure it is more than a lot of people have and so I suppose that I am selfish to expect more .
Wish I could give you some advice but cant .maybe someone can give me some???
It’s a pity more men don’t post on here, because apart from Terry’s input we don’t know much about how men feel when their partner has BC. I think most men are just like little boys really, all looking for their mum, and when they’re not the centre of attention anymore they find it hard to cope. Obviously not all of them are the same and my OH gave me tremendous support. I suppose as you get older (I’m 64) you realise that a “fabulous” Sun newspaper type of sex life isn’t the most important thing in a marriage and that MOST couples don’t have that and never have had!! However I think a cuddle isn’t much to ask for and if my OH stopped doing that I would tell him how I feel. Perhaps it’s all the emotional stuff with the crying and ranting that they can’t take, but God knows what they’d be like if they had BC!
Maz - I don’t think you are selfish. why should a passionless life be the legacy of BC? I can’t bear the thought of a sexless life, though it is my current reality and I am sure it does not help my recovery! But, i think it is not all about you, or me or any of us - sometimes guys just feel fed up with the deal they find themselves sharing. My gorgeous, selfish Manchild is a case in point. He was never going to be there in sickness or bad times - he signed up for passion and fun! He could have stayed on - sullen and grudging but you know what, that would not have made either of us happy. I actually told mine that I could not live with him like a sister because I wanted him so much, he could not desire a damaged body. So…may not work for you and you need to know you can live with the consequences but you could ask him in a non threatening way (when he is driving, in the dark, while walking) if he still wants you, or you could risk the embarrassment of making the first move (did that, was humiliating to be rejected but I did not die of it) . Alternatively try appreciating him - maybe he needs to feel desired too and wonders where that sexy woman he married has gone? Confidence is sexy!
Point is; life is not fair, it is tough but if you want things to change, for good or ill you need to take action
Good luck
Hi everyone who responded to my thread. Thanks very much. I was too embarassed, given the nature of the thread to come back and talk to everyone just after. SO its now January!!! But that doesnt mean I dont appeciate everyone answering and I have read every single word. Nothing here has changed. We probably haven´t had sex for 2 and a half years now. I don´t feel attractive and he makes no moves so I can only guess he doesnt find me attractive.
We have separate rooms because I don´t sleep well and am up a lot during the night.
There is no counselling in spain. I went to see a male psychologist and he just looked at me and said he didnt believe I didnt think i was attractive. It wasn´t helpful and he didnt understand at all.
Im afaid I am too proud to make the first move. I have been through a hell of a lot and I think it is his turn to make me feel special, in the same way I have always made him feel special before BC. He owes me dont you think? Why should I go out of my way to make him feel sexy when I´m the one who´s body has been cut up, chopped off and hormonally rearranged?
How long does this nightmare go on? Why can´t he be human and kind and caring? The three simplest things in the world.
Hi
Just wanted you to know I had read, and will post more later. I have read this thread and send you a big hug!
Di xxx
hi everyone
I just wanted to say i think at some point in each of our journey we all have felt unloved unattractive not understood, it is hard when it comes to sex i never wanted my partner to see my boobs after my op and he wouldnt touch them he said it was because he was frightend of hurting me. We are fine now. But sex just isnt about intercourse how about going for a meal talking having cuddles and things take it away from the bedroom do something you both enjoy start dating again have a bit of fun everything else will come after im sure. lots of love and hugs
love Leslee xx
Jo.
i was diagnosed two years ago last month. my marriage was in a mess before then but i would have put up with it cos i thought i loved him and we also have two kids together. (i also live in spain btw).
anyhow, the whole cancer journey taught me that i didn’t actually love him and that he hadn’t ever loved me. sex was the glue that held our marriage together and i wasn’t happy in that marriage.
he was supportive initially when i went for surgery but that was only because he thought i was dying.
cancer makes you address your life and the issues in it. it also makes others consider their feelings for you. with him, it made him realise that he had taken me for granted. for me, it made me realise that 20 years of compromise was enough.
we’re still separated 2 years on and he still refuses to accept it’s over.
you owe it to yourself as a survivor to ensure that you don’t waste the rest of the life you have been granted being unhappy. it’s a god given right. don’t give your partner the power to put you down. you had the strength to fight cancer and now you must apply the same strength to create the life you need to make you happy.
Hi everyone,
Imlauder - I´ve seen 2 counsellors. One was a really nice lady who was very sympathetic but didn´t really help, the other was a guy who basically said “it´s just a boob”!. I haven´t tried counselling since.
I rang BCC helpline today and spoke to an initially friendly lady who basically said she couldn´t help, (after 20 mins) ‘I really have to terminate this call now’, so I spose that didn´t really help either. Although at least it was 20 mins which is something after 5 years!!. I like to think I´m trying all options before I give up, buy the proverbial rowing boat and row out to the horizon. It seemed to be a problem with her that I lived in Spain so I thought then maybe bcc was funded by the NHS but I dont know. I paid for the call, obviously.
doodle32 - I know sex isnt just sex but i really cant see the fun in taking my clothes off. I´m all for mary poppins and find the fun in the job at hand but sometimes you just cant.
quarteter - I cant imagine life on my own because of my child who also has serious health problems. I havent worked in ages and its a recession. I would earn peanuts to start with and it would rupture the relationship and then that might affect my health and what would be the point in dying just to save face?
Tuesday - im sorry bout your husband. Mine doesnt have a lover as such but he has an all consuming hobby. I dont see much difference really. At least if it were another woman I could go into combat mode, but I cant fight the hobby! I have asked him, as you suggest, if it will last and he says yes. He said prob not last year. So i guess something must be getting better.
I´m going to post this now because ive written quite a lot and im worried it might delete. Will post again in a minute.
rosebud454 - thanks for being understanding.
Thanks bahons2 - yes I spose its a big confidence knock. I want him to build me up but I guess I have to build me up myself. I had just hoped he would help me more. I like to think I would help him if something like this had happened to him.
Irene M - I dont think I´d like to have sex with him just to make do. I think he can make do himself! He´s not mad keen on sex, maybe before children. I have tried asking and he just says he doesnt want to do anything I dont want to do. I say the same thing and so no one ends up doing anything.
Hi Roxanne - I have no idea how to get separated in Spain. My child doesnt write English so it would be impossible going over to english education. I wouldnt earn enough to carry on living in this place so we´d have to move away from my child´s friends. I haven´t been happy for a long time, as you say, but I have to do what´s right for my child. What´s right for my child is the opposite of what´s right for me.
xx
Hi
I think we can all relate to your feelings as we have probably all felt ugly and unsexy since BC. Even just having marital problems can knock you down. I separated from my husband before BC but I know however, that even if we’d still been together when BC came, that I do not regret splitting from him. There are many reasons for splitting with someone, and hopefully having cancer shouldn’t be the main one (or for staying).
Can I tell you that I moved on from the split to find a new partner, who initially I thought was lacking in commitment and support, but going through this experience together has been the making of us. Our relationship and sex life is so much better since BC. It sounds corny but there are decent men out there and if your guy wasnt decent before, I doubt he ever will be.
You sound like a beautiful, sensitive person, who deserves in every way to be as happy as you can be. Your happiness is crucial to your child’s wellbeing (that is the main reason I left, to enable me to be a better parent to my daugher) and I hope that is the direction you will feel able to take, either working it out with your man or going it alone, but aim for your own happiness. Dont doubt yourself, you are a strong person to have come this far.
Best wishes
Tuesday…I understand bits if what youve said so well.I was in a sexual relationship with a man for 8 years…I knew full well he didnt love me…not like that…although he loves me I’m sure as a friend.A kind of friend with benefits and we really are very good friends and soul mates in a way.I was the one keeping the sex going much more than him as since my divorce in what had been a lo eless marriage for years, I discovered sex with him and it was fun, adventurous and I felt sexy and attractive for the first time in my life at the age of 49.As we were not in that marriagey kind of relationship where during cancer you cuddle etc…we were great friends who had great sex it died off a bit during cancer but since has now stopped.Parts of me miss it and parts of me know I’m no longer that person.The one happy to strip off and fling myself around.I no longer feel confident and dont like my body.I didnt have mastectomy but with lumpectomy and my kidney cancer surgery my whole body shape and image had changed plus physically I cant do what I did…I feel slow, stiff,tired out less libido and generally at least 10 years older.I just dont feel like that woman I was before.I think sex just stopped as he was afraid of causing me pain…couldnt exactly be thrown about any more! And I think I just became more fragile and different in his eyes.We are still great friends but I cant see me ever wanting a relationship or sex again and I had become very sexual.My days seem full with pain relieve, getting through eithout too much fatigue, certainly not thoughts of sex!