Hi All. My husband died last week after I cared for him for nearly 8 years. His death was expected, but a shock. I nearly skipped my screening mammogram because he was so poorly and felt I could not deal with any bad news, but went anyway. I thought about what would happen after he died many times … but never thought that I would find myself in this position. My husband’s family and friends are supportive, but I feel so alone and so scared.
I have my first meeting at the breast clinic next week, then I’m told I will have an MRI and then surgery. At the moment it looks like a wide area incision, but I am prepared to be disappointed. I have lobular cancer and I know that can be difficult to find on mammograms and ultrasound.
The reality is if my husband were still alive it would have made my breast cancer more difficult. Now, it’s just my two dogs to worry about … and me.
I am just trying to sort out all the things you need to do when somebody dies, plus have a good house clear out before I’m not physically able to do it.
I wish I could stop bursting in tears every time I say … my husband died and I have breast cancer.
I am so sorry you find yourself here. The BC diagnosis is hard enough without everything else you have had to go through.
Please do use this forum as a way to offload however you may feel. There will always be someone here to offer help and advice.
I can’t for a minute imagine what you are feeling. But in terms of the diagnosis, you will feel better once you know what is to come in terms of treatment etc.
everyone here will be rooting for you and it is totally understandable about the tears. Whatever you feel is totally reasonable. The forum will be here for you for whatever you need it for. As Sarah said things will get more clear once your treatment gets going.
take care - lots if people will be thinking of you and hopefully you can get some practical support at home too
Stacey, so glad you’ve found this forum. It’s such a wonderful place to share tears and sadness - as well as when things start to get better. When you are hooked up with your own BC nurse ask about the support available in your area. Love and hugs xx
So glad you found the forum - there is so much support here for you, as you can see from your previous post.
The situation you currently find yourself it may make all so much more challenging for you, especially going through the intial stages of diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Lobular invasive in January - and you are right, with this type the early stages of diagnosis is more a relatively good indication, rather than the finite result. I hope all will go well with you and that the final outcome will be the same, or very close to what your treatment team will initially diagnose.
Please do not google too much - so much information so so outdated and incorrect in nowadays. The information available on the main site breastcancercare.org.uk/ is up to date and current - and there is so much, which is really helpful. As you progress you may wish to join other forums and threads, so we can all support you through the whole journey, whichever way it takes you.
Feel free to ask any questions you may have about your initial diagnosis - we are happy to help you answer them to the best of our ability. And there is the helpline 0808 800 6000, too.
Please let us know how you get on - and how you are coping, whatever challenges you find difficult to cope with - even if they are not BC related. We are here to help and support on ALL challenges you may have to face.
Hi Stacey,welcome to forum.Life throws some unbelievable **** at you sometimes doesn’t it ?There is so much to deal with when somebody dies emotionally and practically ,it’s exhausting , nevermind dealing with a BC diagnosis too .You need to accept every offer of help and support you are given to get you through this .This is a great place for emotional support but you do need practical back up too ,I found it very hard to ask friends for help (I’m normally the one that supports others) but I had to hold my hands up and say for once ,yes I need your support when I was diagnosed .Keep in touch we will do our best to support you from "cyberspace "!!Jill.
Hi Stacey, A few posts on here will make me stop in my tracks when I read them and yours is one, I am so so sorry for everything you are having to face , one would be more than enough and I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, why some people are hit with so much God only knows! There really are no words at a time like this but we can offer you support and a virtual shoulder anytime you need it Xx Jo
So sorry you have had this double whammy. But so very glad you wanted to share it with us. So much love and support around on this forum for all of us. I can see youve been given a lot of helpful advice already, but please do feel you can keep sharing with us… The tears are really good to help release tension. I find.
I too have lobular cancer…it got missed for a year! But they are much better at finding and watching it now, than in 2000.
My dad died in May this year after a stressful 6 months, and then I was told my ca had grown and I needed more treatment. He was 95 and the loss was totally not the same as losing a husband…but I found I wasnt crying, because my own bad news blocked out the grief…I couldnt feel it and felt guilty about that too.
Id just like to add, be very kind to yourself…you deserve it, you looked after your husband for a very long time. Now you are due a bit of nurturing.
As you will have already seen you won’t go short of support on this forum.
It’s utterly unbelievable what you are having to go through just now - I can’t imagine how you must be feeling not even having the time to grieve over your partner then having to face this.
All I can say is that I’m one year on from my diagnosis for a lobular tumour and six months on from finishing chemo and I’m doing really well. This time last year it seemed like I had an impossible mountain to climb but you can do it. You are at the worst stage just now, waiting to find out what the real diagnosis is and your treatment plan but you will get there and once you start on this route, things do get easier to bear and the way forward clearer.
Life has dealt you the most incredibly rubbish hand and there is nothing any of us can say just now that will soothe the pain at the loss of your husband but you will get through this. You are obviously an incredible person having cared for him all this time.
Stick around here and let us know how things progress.
So sorry to read what you are going through at the moment Stacey. Talk and share all you want on here because the folk on this forum really care. Take a step at a time and know you are not alone fighting these battles.
Thanks everyone for your kind replies. Right now my husband’s death is pushing the cancer diagnosis in the background; but I’m sure that will change very soon. I sit and imagine how different it would have been to only deal with mourning losing him.
I have a skip in my driveway and am busy tossing nearly everything that belonged to my husband in it. My sister-in-law who lost her first husband when he was only 34 said she did the same thing. (Although I am also getting rid of things I’ve hoarded for no reason.) I just feel I need to start my new life and my cancer treatment with a clean slate. I can’t cling to what was … I have to concentrate on my future.
I am scared beyond belief if I need to go through chemo alone. I meet my breast care nurse on Wednesday, my husband’s funeral is the 23rd and I am going to tell her that I am not doing anything medical that week. Friends, my neighbor and my husband’s family have been so supportive … but it just is not the same as having someone with you all the time.
Once again, thank you all so much for the support, I need it.
Hi again Stacey, hang on in there, hopefully you wont need chemo just yet if at all…but if you do, …I find im meeting lots of lovely people just like us and having a bit of a joke and a laugh with them.
i am having i/v 2weeks out of 3 just now and did have a friend taking me, but am now happy to go in alone.
i have also found the nurses to be very lovely and they try hard to make the experience as good as possible
but as has bern suggested, do use your macmillan nurse or sometimes there .may be community volunteers about who you can ask.
do let us know how you get on…love and prayers Moijanxx
Yes Road Runner, I feel I havent really grieved for my Dad either, but its early days. I think I am getting there!
Charys, I agree with you, and im finding them all so kind just now…(…the wrong word from someone could spoil
my mood and the chemo experience, which of course bodes less well for the next time.)
Stacey, I have decided to go it alone for chemo from now on. Its good to have a lift the first time, if poss, so that you know how you are going to feel afterwards, then later you can trot along on your own. The friend I was going with is lovely, but I too, felt I had to look after her… Whereas, I can shut off now, if I want…or chat to someone else. Anyway, do keep us posted…love and hugs