In the scheme of things I guess this may seem such a silly thing to stress out about.
With the onset of summery weather I thought that a trip out to treat myself to some new tops would really cheer me up after a rotten few months. Far from it - I left the shop hardly able to hold back my tears as everything that was remotely feminine looked dreadful.
I will never be able to wear those lovely tops that always spelt summer to me pre-cancer, because I will always have this prosthesis sitting on a flat chest.
Haven’t been able to stop the tears as everytime I look in the mirror it reminds me of cancer and that I no longer feel secure in my femininity.
Yes, I know I should be focusing on the bigger picture and thankful for life and I so am! It’s just that sometimes these little things knock me down when I am trying so hard to deal with mustering some sense of normality about life
Anyone reading this will probably think I am stupid for feeling this way - sorry - just needed to express how I feel instead of it eating me up.
Hi Serendipity,
I know just how you feel, I’d lend you my hankie but its pretty soggy already.
Anyone who has been on here a while is probably sick of me moaning about just this issue!! We should start a national campaign to get dress/top designers to stop making everything so b****y low! I’m 3 years on from my surgery, and yes I’m fit and well, but oh to be able to get any degree of choice over what I wear. I’ve walked into, and out of, shops where there was literally nothing that I could try on. Places like Monsoon are particularly dire, and in other shops there are a load of cowl necks that gape if you lean forwards, not a pretty sight. How loudly do we have to shout? We are a group of confident, gutsy vocal women who have a right to be heard. We a greater need than most to be able to feel sexy and feminine. Anyone out there fancy taking up the cause? Perhaps I’ll stop work and start picketing clothing companies.
hugs, Silversue
Hi Ladies
I havent had my masectomy yet - and already I cant bear to look at myself. I shower, rather than bath so that I dont have to be naked so long.
I feel sick at the thought of having one breast. I fought for a recon, but was denied it.
I’m with you
Lisa
Hi there
I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling so I won’t pretend I do, but what I will say is what your feeling is perfectly normal and don’t ever feel you have to apologise for telling us all how your feeling. I think right now you probably need a big hug, I hope there is somebody there to give you that.
Hugs J xxx
Oh Ruby your post brought a tear to my eye, how can they deny you that, thats awful, I hope there is some way round this.
Massive hugs to you xxxxxxxxx
Hi Seredipity
I know just how you feel, too. Waited 3 years hoping for a recon, so I could wear some half-decent tops again, had the recon - lo! and behold, a cleavage - then developed lymphoedema a few months later, quite possibly as a result of the recon op. I ended up with a cleavage again but now I’m stuck in long or 3/4 sleeves for the rest of my life (can’t bear the questions and having to EXPLAIN the stupid sleeves all the time!).
I’m thrilled with my recon, but if I’d known the price was (possibly) lymphoedema, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.
I think what I’m trying to say (not very well!) is that whatever way you look at it, this bc is a right ************! I find giving a piece of old furniture a good kicking from time to time helps, though…
Hi Serendipity
Sorry that the sunshine can also bring you tears. I had a mastectomy without recon, and would offer this practical tip, which you may have already tried. Take someone shopping with you that you really trust and when you think something may give the game a way when you bend down, get them to check. When you check yourself you look at yourself from an angle that one one else does, and if you try to check in a mirror this can throw things even more. You might be surprised at what you can get away with. Hope this helps, its got to be worth a try.
Not that I dont agree that clothing design could be alot more helpful a lot of the time. Keep in touch and let me know if your next shopping trip is more successful.
Best wishes
Jackie
Hi Ladies
Just wanted to say I hope you are able to find some summer clothes that you can feel comfortable and confident in. I wont buy anything that shows my scar as I find that bad enough so you’re difficulties with finding nice stuff is tough for you.
i have just had a bit of a cry cos I feel really ugly at the moment. It’s because I hate the way my hair is growing back. I have always had a full fringe cos I have got quite a high forehead. My hair is growing well but instead of getting “longer” it just seems to be getting “bigger” if you know what I mean I I think it will be months before I have any kind of fringe back and I just don’t feel very pretty, shallow I know but thats the way it is at the moment.
I think we need to have a shout out for ladies in your position to anyone out there who has experienced the same problems that you are and has experience of or access to the fashion industry or designers, maybe uni students looking for an interesting and worthwhile assignment finding out what you need and designing stuff with you in mind.
Have you tried a little short sleeve or cap sleeve shrug just to give you a bit more coverage without thinking your wearing a big cardi or jumper.
Love and hugs
AJxxx
Hi Jules
There is no way around it. I have my masectomy on Thursday. My only hope was shattered last week, when my breast surgeon got involved.
I know that I am going to be absolutely miserable, and I am terrified of surgery.
This really is the pits. (not tits!)
Lisa
But Ruby, why can they not do a re construction you poor thing, I hope you have someone there to give you really good support xxxxx
Its so bloody wrong, it really is. Bloody cancer!!!
My mum goes back to the Marsden tomorrow to see if her tumour has shrunk enough, or will she need the full mastectomy, I am already starting to feel really nervous for her, she is such a trouper never complains.
I send you huge cyber hugs, I really feel for you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have to be honest. I got my prosthetics and didn’t like them. Tried a load of M&S bras and hated them, bought something that did job but not well enough that I actually wanted to wear my prosthetics. I had bilateral mastectomy so I’ve decided just to be flat chested and no ones batted an eye lid actually (I wear baggy tops a lot anyway).
But today I went shopping and there were lots of people wandering around in their vest tops and I was really jealous.
But then a bra slinks at me from a window. This is an outdoors shop that I frequented a lot last summer and there it was. It was a Falke Full support bra. I’ve never seen stuff by Falke before. Apparently they’re huge in germany. They’re really well made and fit like a second skin. It was £30 which is 3x th price I’ve ever paid on a bra (I’ve tried expensive ones and not thought they were worth it).
I’d seriously recommend you have a look at what’s in fashion in the outdoors shops this year. We have slinky fabrics, neck lines that are flattering to us, breathable and wicking. I was in heaven. I could have bought the whole shop. They could obviously tell this because the lovely lady showed me the whole range and wasn’t at all phased when I pointed out that the bra was to take prosthetics.
If you like fitted outdoorsy clothes then google this and you’ll get to the right place:
rathbonesofkeswick falke
I’m a very happy lady. not a bit of jelousy because I now realise that my prosthetics won’t sag and I’ll always have pert breasts 
I love my new bra, I hope you find the item of clothing that makes you feel worth it.
And I must credit my OH as he said “Just buy it, you know it looks well made and we can bring it back if you don’t like it’s fit”.
He was right of course, he always is
Hi Jules
I was diagnosed with pagets (nipple). They couldnt find any other masses, only microcalcifications behind the nipple.
At one time my consultant said, ‘THre is cancer in that breast, I just dont have the evidence yet’… I paniced! They had done nipple discharge test and core biopsy but both were inconclusvie. She then took a sample of the nipple - and it showed pagets. Then she said that she thinks it is localised and probably not got to the nodes.
When I asked about recon - she just told me she didnt do it, and left the room. My bcn refered me to the plastics man in the same hospital. I delayed the mast for a week so I could see him. He examined me and told me I was suitable for the DIEP, even told me how much better immed recons were - and then told me that my consultant had spoken to him and recommended that I didnt have immed recon incase I need further treatment. However, I dont want an implant - I want my own. He also told me that the DIEP is a big op, and he only does one a week, and not privately, since he needs the backup of the NHS teams.
I could have had the mast over and done with last week - I knew deep down that the breast consultant would sway his ‘independant’ judgement. In the end, my GP said to me, ‘If you were my wife, I would tell you to have the mast next week, and take time and look for a recon later’. That was it… and there I will be on Thursday with one boob. Im dreading it.
Lisa
So will you be available hun to have a reconstruction later on, from what the other guy said you can? Or am I mireading it, sorry if I am.
Hugs xxxxxxx
I know some oncs/surgeons don’t like doing immediate recons cos of problems with rads after but I don’t understand why you can’t be put on the waiting list for a recon. I would push the point and even write to the PCT to see if it can be done on exceptional grounds. I’m sure though that this is too much for you to deal with at present but bear it in mind.
I’ve been in tears more times than I care to remember in shops. Either because of the way tops are made or my hair.
I’ve found being a c cup that I do need to wear pocketed bras or else the prosthesis moves about too much. I get them from amoena, womanzone or nicola jane. I’ve found M and S ones useless as they are often underwired and it rubs on my radiated skin and the pockets are too small for the prostheis and just not cut right. I also use the camisole bra ones so that covers up the gap where a cleavage should be and also use the pocketed summer vest tops under the other low cut tops. Now I’ve also got a hickman line it makes it even more difficult to find suitable tops.
Hair - well it’s now back to normal after 2 years of doing a marge simpson - hair grows upwards and outwards but not downwards. Eventually, I got the hairdresser to use hot straighteners on it and suddenly I got ‘me’ back complete with fringe. I would like to point out that I had FEC and then 4 months later just as my hair had got long enough to be decent I had taxotere and it all fell out again. Now it’s gone back to normal, I will be having weekly taxol in a few months so again will be bald.
It’s horrible and unless you’ve been there, it’s difficult to understand how depressing clothes shopping becomes.
Hope the op goes well and you can come to terms with how it looks afterwards.
Take care
kate
They say I can have recon later. I actually received an appt from the Plastic man today for August.
Can you have a recon after rads?
Hey Lisa
Yes you can, it was explained to me that they like to finish treatments so as not to cause problems with the recon, but as I has having a bilateral mast they couldn’t even offer it to me because it was both. Whereas I can do both after treatment and because I had 1 tumour which was triple neg and a a second that was hormone responsive they’re giving me the lot so I can confirm that even after chemo, rads and hormones I can have them recon.
Does that help.
Oh and I got myself a buff for my head today because I know my hair will fall out later this month so I decided to get one that has a hippy cow on it because it makes me smile. It made me feel instantly better. It was later I gound the ideal bra too. So this eve I tucked all my hair away into my buff and tried the prosthetics again and I’m getting used to it. The smiling silly pictures on the buff headscarf helped me feel better out in the world though.
So I hope you find it’s not as bad as you thought as I have (I’m not sure what I imagined now).
Good luck with the op and do the excersies, they helped me get full mobility back quickly (maybe too much but that’s another story).
Angie
All of your posts are reassuring in that I’m not feeling quite so stupid to be so despairing after the mastectomy.
I think it is all too much sometimes because I know I can never have reconstruction and almost everyone I meet is able to do so and I’m so happy for them.
I delight with them as they show me their reconstruction and how they can at least look forward to dressing with confidence. We are all on the same journey but somehow I feel I am ‘on the outside looking in’ when I try and shop etc.
My OH is totally disinterested and didn’t even bother to comment when I told him how awful the trip had been.
It is a comfort to know that I am being heard here and can read so many practical suggestions.
Bahons - I am so sad for you that you are now plagued with lymphoedema following reconstruction. Reckon we could both do with a big hug. I am struggling with the onset of what I believe to be lymphoedema following node resect - seems that is adding insult to injury.
Ruby- will be thinking of you on Thurs. wish I could give you a hug and make it easier.
Silversue and AJ - maybe we should all start our own fashion business and help one another as no-one seems to cater for those without cleavage/breast. Wish I was young enough to choose my career all over and maybe I would have gone into design!
Still feel pretty churned up and low, having a shower this morning just brought it all back - but I guess that’s the new me that I’m going to have to live with- it’s so hard.
Hi Serendipity,
Back to the subject of tops. I remember crying too because my mastectomy seemed to mean that I couldn’t buy summer tops or nice bras.
However, there are things you can do.
Firstly try sports shops (JJB for instance) and outdoor shops (Tiso for instance but choose a big shop). Often tops for women runners and women rock climbers are attractive, supportive and will show off one’s neck and collar bone without being plunging. Buy a range of colours and wear them under more plunging items.
NicolaJane or Amoena (can be found on the Web) sell strappy tops with built in bra and pocket. NicolaJane also sells tankinis. Use the top part of the tankini as a summer top.
As far as normal shops are concerned be prepared to impulse buy when shopping - there are tops out there but they’re difficult to find and tend to appear when least expected.
You are also going to have to develop attitude. Leather, silk, lace. And consider sexy boots, pretty sandals and expensive jewellery.
Good luck,
Sue
Serendipity
Thanks so much for your kind words!
I would just like to add a little something to all the wonderful practical advice that others have given. Lands End (I’ll post the web address later if that’s allowed?) do fantastic mastectomy swimwear - not frumpy at all. They also have a wide range of tops/tees/shirts/blouses, so you may well find something you like there.
Another tip: - if you find a top/dress you REALLY like, buy it in all the colours available that you can afford then and there. (Treat yourself a bit more often if you can - your self esteem is more important than your bank balance (within reason, of course!)) Or buy two or more the same colour and then dye some of them to suit.
Take care!
I have had this problem, so sympathise. I agree with Super Sue - A couple of things which have helped me. Shop at one of the specialist companies such as Amoena. They do bras with a little lace insert (where your cleavage would be) so it doesnt matter if the top is a bit low and also they do special strappy tops with pockets built in. They might be expensive, but worth it to look ‘normal’. I haven’t bought a strappy top, but i have bought all my bras from them including a white and black one with the lace insert - I think they call them ‘camisole bras’ - anyway i think most of the specialist mastectomy wear specialist will have their own version. They aalso do specialist swimwear and summer dresses.
Morning all, glad to see this is still rumbling on! My beloved daughter has just bought me a camisole top and sheer kaftan tunic from Primark, I need a bra under the camisole, (which has adjustable straps so I can hoist it up a bit), and the kaftan covers not only the straps but also disguises the dreaded dent. All in bright pink… feels really summery. Grown up daughters who love shopping are really useful here, she’s always on the lookout for glam stuff for me.
Moderator: Would we be allowed to start a site here where we could all post useful companies or shops, no actually advertising of course, but a sharing of information?
Silversue.