Hello, I am new. I have been reading things on here for the past two weeks, when I underwent the most horrible of days. Mammogram, ultrasound, biopsies, comments like “we can do something about this you know” but no answers to my no questions because I didn’t have any, why would I? I only had a lump that I thought they would just zap. They told me I would find out tomorrow, Friday. But when I called up today - sick with worry - they said it will be next Friday. Hard, non-moveable, bi-lateral hypoechoic lesion, that is what I have gleaned. I am petrified. I am the most positive person I know, I have a ridiculously busy life that I absolutely love. I can’t cope. What do I do? Another week of waiting = another week of not eating, not sleeping, not functioning effectively. Everyone on here sounds so lovely and nice and kind but I am absolutely livid. This is not on my agenda and I want it to go away. How can everyone be so nice about something so awful? I will not be able to cope with this at all. How do you all do it?
Hi beam,
The waiting is definitely the worse thing in the world. I have just had two weeks waiting for op results and then didn’t results I expected so back to waiting again. I, like you had an amazingly, organised organised busy life that I loved and it is the lack of control that affects all this. You will get through but it will be hard. It feels like you are on the most difficult rollercoaster, with so many ups and downs and unexpected turns. Thinking about you and hope your results are good. Think positive and stay strong.
Sam xxx
The first bit is honestly the hardest. It’s wait wait wait until finally you get the whole picture, however bad or otherwise it is. THEN keep that anger because you will have a plan of combat. You will know what you are up against, and how you are going to fight it. And beat it!
In the meantime, keep posting on here. You’ll always find somebody who will relate to how you are feeling, and usually somebody to answer questions you may have. Dig in, cos its not an easy ride, but you will get through it!!
Hi Beam
We cope because we have to. As Morwenna has said this first bit is usually the hardest. (Well Morwenna said it was the hardest for me this week has been the hardest but that’s another story).
I agree the loss of control is (for me anyway) one of the worst parts.
Once you get past the weekend the next few days leading up to Friday will hopefully pass a little quicker for you.
Hi Beam
I’m with you the waiting is awful. 2009 I had a DCIS completely fell off the planet, which neither helps you or the people around you. I’m back in the nightmare again you have to stay positive, tiny steps tiny steps. Everything else will wait, and believe me when your through this you will jump on that roundabout again and everything will be even better and more beautifu and more wonderous than before. Goodness me that was gushy gushy.
Georgina
Keep that anger!! Man I was mad! mad! mad! still am that has got me through, channel that anger into something positive I tidied cupboards and burnt in a bonfire bills and receipts various paperwork from 2007!! try to think positive I got excited when I realised I get free prescriptions now after years of having to pay for them always pop back here to have a rant it often helps you to realise you’re not alone take care xx
Thank you all so much already, your words, like people have said, are a great source of strength. I am currently in my Year 12 French lesson, I have set my two students some work to do to improve their A Level grammar. I cannot bear the thought that I might not be there to take them through to A2 next year. And that is just kids at school, I have my own boys, aged 20 and nearly 16, I can’t even bring myself to think about them. Their dad and I have been divorced for 13 years but he has been brilliant so far, very supportive, even offering to come with me to get results. I am more concerned about overshadowing his wedding in September with bad stuff, I want him to be happy and the boys to enjoy the day.
Looby - burning paperwork, well, my house is currently on the market so I may have to deal with a house move on top of all this, I would have stacks of cupboards to sort.
Sam the lack of control is utterly awful! I have a school trip to the Ardeche in France for a week on 7th July, then Portugal from 20-30th July with my boys, then my chap is back in the UK for 2 weeks from Australia at the beginning of August, we only get a few weeks together each year and if they say I need treatment I am going to go mad! Can it wait? How long do they usually wait between diagnosis and surgery?
I think most tumours, even the most “aggressive” grade ones, grow so gradually that a few weeks here or there makes no difference at all. An exception, I would guess might be inflammatory breast cancer.
Often there are several weeks between diagnosis and the start of treatment, and usually the main push is the anxiety of the patient in wanting to “get rid of it”
Hi Beam, I totally agree, I was angry and bewildered when I was diagnosed at the end of March as I really did not think that I was going to get a cancer diagnosis (had only had dry skin on nipple, so was sure it was just exczema!) My first thoughts were that I don’t have time for cancer at the moment!! I had a family holiday booked for April, (my consultant was quite happy to delay my surgery until we had come back from our holiday by the way)and then my youngest daughters birthday the day after my surgery at the beginning of May and then my daughters dance show at the end of May, cancer just didn’t figure in all this! The waiting is the worst bit, but you will find ways to get through the days (and nights). You will find ways to cope and once you get a treatment plan in place you can start to organise things. Good luck!
Well I called the clinic in a state of absolute panic as I cannot wait another week, plus I have a big event to attend next Friday and don’t want to miss it to spend a morning in a cancer clinic. A very kind nurse has managed to find me an appointment for next Wednesday at another hospital, same consultant, 2 days may not seem like much difference but I was very grateful. I have also been to my GP who has given me diazapam as I am not coping at all, and this is just the waiting! I am also drinking lots of wine, probbly a bad thing but I just feel what the hell. I don’t want to get up today, it is half one and I am still in bed. I just want to crawl under the covers and stay there and make this go away. I feel like such a failure for being so pathetic, normally I am a very strong positive person but this is sapping every ounce of positivity from me. I will have to get up though, my youngest wants to upgrade his phone and I have to take him to the shop to do it in town. It all seems so banal when I just want to hide away. Sorry for being so gloomy and glum. I just can’t help it. And thanks for reading.
Hi Beam,
Just wanted to put my two pennyworth in. As Morwenna said, most tumours, even aggressive ones don’t grow as quickly as we think they do. My tumour (ductal invasive) was grade 3, the most aggressive. I was diagnosed in October 2012 but didn’t have surgery until December 12 2012. Although I had snb, only 3 nodes were removed and only 1 had cancer cells in it. So I wouldn’t say it had spread in the two months I waited.
The way you feel is only normal at this stage. Once you know what you are dealing with, you will begin to feel more positive as a treatment plan will be put in place, and you will once more feel in control. And it is surprising what a difference two days can make when you are waiting.
The odd glass of wine shouldn’t do you any harm, but be careful not to take too much while also taking Diazapam!
Sending big hugs and good thoughts for Wednesday. Hope all goes well.
Poemsgalore xx
Hello all you kind people, another restless night for me. I don’t want to keep taking diazapam as I am concerned I will turn into a fruit loop. Had a panic attack last night and called in sick for work this morning, but managed to get in for lunch time and had a great day! Feel stupid and ridiculous that this situation is affecting me SO much. I keep thinking that tomorrow, Tuesday, will be the last day of my life as I know it. With results due Wednesday, I know that there are going to be some massive unwelcome intrusions into a life that I love. I think a radiologist with 13 years’ experience who advised me to expect the worst probably does know what she is talking about. I hit the gym tonight and almost start crying in Body Pump at the thought I may not be able to do it again for ages. I am no stunner but I am terribly vain, particularly about having bingo wings and like to be toned. I have been reading on here about a gym instructor who is going through this, there seems to be no logic to where this hideous affliction can strike.
Again, thanks for reading. If you are anything like me, you find yourself on here all times of the day and night, learning the language of a sub-culture that up until two and a half weeks ago was as alien to me as Aramaic! (And I speak four languages). For the last 13 years I have run school trips to Paris, amongst other places, and I love Disneyland Paris and all the roller coasters. However, this is one that I WANT TO GET OFF and never get on again! I mean, I didn’t even buy a bl**dy ticket!
Hi Beam,
Its good to see that you are getting some brilliant support from your fellow forum users but alongside this if you need someone to talk to in confidence, then our helpline team are just a free phone call away to give you that added bit of support. Lines open at 9am this morning until 5 pm (weekdays) and 10-2 Saturdays. 0808 800 6000. Do give them a call they’ll help you through this.
Take care,
Jo, Facilitator
Hi Beam, I’m also a busy teacher, didn’t find a lump but just went along for a routine mammogram. It’s been a whirlwind and the waiting was awful but school and the kids kept my mind busy. When I was told that the lump had to come out along with some lymph nodes my world completely collapsed but I needed to get my dept in order giving me then the space and time I was going to need to get over this hurdle. I am post lumpectomy and doing well, just about to start radiotherapy. I’ve been quite active within school not teaching but managing to pop in and oversee different aspects of the job. Even did assembly on Friday. Good luck but stay strong and be confident that whatever the outcome of your results you are in safe hands x
I am totally rubbish. I cannot do this. I am dreading the results tomorrow. It is nearly 3am and I don’t even care. I have had enough. I cannot do this. How can I get out of it? What do I have to do to tell them to leave me alone and I don’t want any more appointments or anything?
Hi Beam,
hoping you got the results you want, but if not so good…
Yes you can and yes you will, its so devesating all this crap and worry that is just thrown at us, when all we want is a simple day to day life with our family , friends and work, when I was diagnosed when I was in total melt down, a Doctor said to me, Well your family and friends will get you through this!!! At the time I wanted to punch him, ho w patronizing , my life was being taken from me and all he could do was to talk rubbish to me. Now 5years on, I agree with him, it was a living nightmare , whcih I may have to go through again , but support and love from others does help us through the grim black days , and sunny days do come back
take care x
Beam, you are NOT rubbish, you are a normal loving human being who has just had a great big shock. A nurse when I had surgery said ‘this one of the hardest things to deal with, you have been dragged in off the street to be told you have a serious condition’ and she is right. You will get through it because you know you have to… you will get to normal again, albeit a completely different normal. This is the time in your life to focus on yourself, and b####r everything else.
Like everyone else has said the waiting is the worst bit, and when you get your treatment plan YOU will decide how to deal with it - there is no right or wrong way, and in this forum you will find out everyone does it differently.
Every best wish and a big hug
Grumpy
Hi Beam,
How are you? I’ve just read through this thread and am so sorry you have found yourself here.
You are NOT rubbish; the shock and worry of this situation would test the toughest of people.
Have you had your results? Really hope it turned out OK…if it was not such good news do keep posting on here as everyone is really supportive and will understand exactly what you are going through, they will offer advice if needed or just be there if you need a rant! Somehow, we find a way through it, each in our own way and you will too.
Take care.
Ah sending cyber hugs and hoping your feeling better and stronger. You will cw through this even though that seems impossible for you at this moment. X
Well, I got the diagnosis. Invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 3, 2 cm. WLE booked for 22nd July, chemo will start in Sept, 18 lots I think, then radio, and Tamoxifen.
Everyone is right!!! You do feel SO MUCH BETTER once you know. They have fitted it in around my school trip to the South of France, and I can still go on my holiday to Portugal but only one week now, not two, no problem. Plus when the fella comes over from Oz on 1st Aug, I should be in a reasonable, if lopsided, state. My ex-husband came with me and was wonderful. I was fine and held it all together until we went to a different department and I had to have a blood test. You had to take a ticket with a number on it for your place in the queue… I got 13. And ended up having a hysterical panic attack. Funny now thinking about it but realised that was the moment it all hit me.
Thanks once again to everyone. I think I will post the first bit in “Newly diagnosed” too. This is a great website. The breast cancer nurse gave me a load of booklets but I realised I had read nearly all of them on here!
A really horrible year ahead, but I know now I can do it.
Jo x