Most of use don’t do as well as we make out. We need to be strong because we are mothers, daughters, sisters, wives and lets face it… the world stops if we stop. So we put on these big fake fronts so as not to let the people around us see we are hurting both physically and emotionally. We are breaking into a million pieces inside but on the outside we are tough. We need to let the people around us know that we are not ok. That we need a shoulder, that we need someone to carry us for a little while. I was diagnosed last March. I have gone to very doctors appointment, every scan, every, biopsy and result, every radiation treatment… everything by my self. I am not saying this to put tickets on myself i am saying this because this was the worste thing i could have done. I now suffer terrible anxiety and depression. I have panic attacks because of stupid little thinks like whether to have beef or chicken for tea.I’ve tried to show my hubby of 25 yrs and my kids, 11yr and 17 that this is a walk in the park, when really inside i am crumbling. I have more surgery over the next 3 months and i have finally let my family in. Asking for help is the hardest thing but it doesn’t make you any less of a person. I am terrified with every test, then comes the waiting… every time the phone rings, your heart stops. It does get better with time, and leaning on people not only around you but being able to come online and be anonomous and being able to really say how it is, talking to people who really do understand exactly what you are going thru. I wish i had done it from the start. Sorry, just need to vent
When was you diagnoised? I was diagnoised in March 2015, it was a complete shock. I had grade 3 agressive BC i was ER and HER2 positive so i had chem FEC then Radio then 18 Herceptin jabs. I then had DIEP reconstruction and after all this time i am just coming to an end. Due to the nature of my job, Conductor on the trains i have not been doing my job, just booking on then going home as they couldnt find me anything to do. I wasnt happy about this as mentally i needed to work. I have just gone back now and i am really struggling with anxiety and keep getting very emotional all the time. I havnt been to the doctors for a while as i keep putting it off. i always spoke openly about my problems prior to this but cannot seem to speak openly about this, i dont think anyone can understand. I would class myself as a strong person but i went out for a run today and just started crying at the top of my drive when i got back. i do worry about the cancer returning, i have a 14 year old daughter and worry for her. My partner and i fall out all the time, i feel alone and dont know what to do. Everyone at work looks at me and thinks im ok, probably because i tell people i am. But im not.
i remember the oncologist saying i had an 80% survival rate, but i know the survival rate is based on 5 years. Does anyone else feel like this, or did after 3 years of diagnosis. I have uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and under arm where i had my reconstruction, most of the time i can cope with this but sometimes i just want to SCREAM. Thanks for letting me rant.
Hi. I totally understand what you are talking about. I have spent the last 4 years hoping I get to 5 years and now I’m wishing I could go back 4 years! You have come to right place, the support on here is amazing. I go from wanting to tell people so they understand to not saying anything so people don’t see me as the person who always has problems. At work we have someone with a bad leg. Not one day goes by where he is asked how he is or does he need any help. I think with our brave face we put on and No outward signs of anything wrong. People actually forget what we are going through. The emotional side is very hard and No one understands that side apart from the ladies on this site. I think it does get easier but never totally goes away. I try to have no regrets. I enjoy every day, have lovely holidays and come on this site when i need to talk. Dont get me wrong i also have melt down days or cry at every little thing and find it difficult to reach out. Sending you big hugs and lots of love and here if you need to rant or talk…xx
Just wanted to send you lots of hugs and yes this forum is fabulous because of all the wonderful ladies on here who are going through and have been through everything that we are feeling.
I really feel for you and would just like to say I understand.I do wonder if we who seem to sail through and stay positive have built a rod for our own backs.I know healthwise its best to stay positive but only speaking for myself, almost everyone told me I was an inspiration…brave positive etc got back to going out and working soon as I could, looked pretty good always wore makeup etc.This has made it impossible for me now i’m “better” to tell people how I really feel…exhausted,scared of the future in terms of how long I can continue to work physically, mentally my foggy brain scares me because I make mistakes and so much more.I would love the person back who I was but people think I am that person.Now there is no treatment…except hormone blockers…people are clueless of course.If I mention I need to sit or I ache I get the old adage…“ah old age gets all of us!” I’m only 57! By being so positive no one can see how you can possibly be feeling bad now when I was all smiles then. At my afternoon job who was so brilliant at the time I sometimes have to say I cant do that job such as turning a mattress on my own.Everyone just forgets.There isnt a soul I can tell how depressed I am at the moment with everything so I’m glad i can come here.
Hi ladies. I just posted about the return of my depression on a new thread and then I read the comments here. Don’t feel so bad knowing I am not the only one struggling after 3.5 years out of treatment, having to work full time and constant anxiety. Sometimes with the expectations of everyone it feels like 'get cape, wear cape, fly! If only it were that simple…
I can relate so much to what is written here I only finished my treatment in February and have also been described as “brave” and get congratulated on how well I look etc. In reality, I am feeling anxious about my return to work but also about smaller things like having visitors to stay, something that previously wouldn’t have been an issue. Physically I have recovered well, but mentally I am still processing what has happened, despite people around me assuming that I am back to “normal”. Realise that it is probably down to me to explain to family and friends how I am feeling about things.
Its my experience that because cancer is such a scarey thing, friends and family dont WANT to think that the after effects go on, so I’ve stopped telling them.I watched their reactions if I did and it was almost always confusion and glossing over things…a sort of “oh well yes, but at least youre better” or “we all get aches and pains at our age, I use cod liver oil” type of thing.They WANT the happy ending because it could happen to them too and they want to hear youre fine now.Human nature I guess.If they saw me coping well then, it wouldnt make sense now its"all over".would it?
Thanks everyone for your kind supportive words - it is good to know that I am not alone! I am meeting my manager next week to talk about how I am and going back etc. I am signed off until 8 April but the hospital have offered me some complimentary therapy and I have a place on a Moving Forward course - plus I know that work is going to be stressful when I get back so really want to get my sick note extended so I can complete this part of the “treatment” as I see it. Hoping my employer and Dr will support me in this ( they have been good so far) as not ready yet to concentrate on anything else except feeling mentally a lot stronger. Some days, it is easier just to hide away from everyone and everything but I am trying not to have too many days like that and to start doing more. And yes, phased return to work is going to be essential! Also wondering if the Tamoxifin can cause anxiety? Anyone have any experience of that? Thanks for all the support vv
Hi Shefgirl,
Many of us are fine on tamox or at least find it manageable, obviously those having difficulty with it are going to talk about it here. Having gone through bc diagnosis & treatment can be such a rollercoaster anyway, so it’s not surprising it affects how we feel.
Try not to be too anxious about tamox, just see how you go & it might be ok anyway. As ever, we only find out by trying it. If any issues arise, then it can be dealt with then.
ann x
Thank you all so much for reassuring me, that I’m not going mad. I submitted a post earlier, then found this thread. On the whole I feel I am doing well, but every now and then, like a bolt from the blue, I turn into a bit of a jelly. Latest incident was after a visit to my BC CLINIC, with a concern over a pain under my arm. The doctor reassured me that this was normal and nothing to worry about, but for further reassurance is sending me for a scan. I got home a had a major breakdown. Worry and relief, .! Mentally exhausting. !I can see from the other posts, that all of this is 'normal", but that doesn’t make things easier. I’ll try to put on my sensible head and get on with life, knowing that my mad head may resurface at unexpected moments. The worse times are before/after hospital visits. My OH has decided/agreed that it may be easier on me if he comes alongside with me. He’s such a star.Soldiering on and always trying to look on the bright side. Thanks ladies, you are all stars.