I was diagnosed with 8cm high grade DCIS early September and told I would need a mastectomy, subsequent MRI has showed signs that it may now have become invasive, so more biopsies this week, I’m kind of dealing with the diagnosis ok, like everyone I have good and bad days but on the whole I am trying to stay positive but have to admit still a bit scared
What I can’t deal with is how my friends family and colleagues have dealt with the news, since I told people its like I don’t exist, none of my family or friends have checked in to see how I am doing, my colleagues actively avoid talking to me and my boss is just tip toing around me and won’t let me talk about it just says he doesn’t want to intrude. I know people don’t know what to say but this is worse than the diagnosis its made me feel so alone! I work from home which makes it even more isolating. If it wasn’t for my husband and son I don’t know what I’d do.
Dear @positive_potato, we are all here for you with love and support, can’t tell you how many times I have heard this, and still asked myself why are people behaving like this, possibly because they can’t handle it or just don’t know what to say. I don’t think that they mean to hurt you, however it hurts a lot.
Was wondering if you have any support group nearby, they are the people who really understand what you’re going through, you could asked your breast cancer nurse if she could put you in touch
Take one day at a time at the moment, you have a lot going on take all the love and support from your hubby and son,
Wishing you well, going forward with health and happiness.
Please come back to let us know how your getting on.
Welcome to the forum @positive_potato . Like @Tili says it does seem to be quite a common reaction . I think people just do not know what to say and rather than saying the wrong thing or feeling like they are being too personal they keep their distance . I’ve found Im a-lot more comfortable talking about cancer now I’ve been through it . Lots of support here from people who understand .
Just to echo what the others have said already some people just don’t know how to deal with it and maybe think it’s better to say nothing. The people who are really close to you may be feeling upset about it themselves and may not want you to have to deal with their feelings as well as your own. I went off sick and actively withdrew from my colleagues as I couldn’t cope with too much input - I kind of ghosted them for a while I suppose . They may fear that you might break down and cry or talk about it a lot - if they have lost anyone to cancer that might bring back bad memories . Your colleagues may be taking their cues from your boss and be unsure what they can bring into the workplace .
There’s a flip side to people talking to you about it in that many of us have been subjected to the most ridiculous comments / judgements / rudeness and downright ignorance. If you do start talking about it with certain people you may come to wish that they had continued to leave you alone ( check out a thread called The Things People Say ).
When you have all your results back and you get a treatment plan send your boss a long email to tell him what’s happening if you feel you can’t talk , the time frame if you know it and what you need . Cancer and cancer treatments comes under the Disabilities Act and you are entitled to reasonable adjustments and as you are working from home it might be easier to build in some flexibility than if you had turn up every day. Whether he likes it or not there will be conversations that will have to be had but you may both feel better when there’s more definite information.
If you are on social media you could also thank people for giving you your space but say that you are ok and at present would like to join in with any events etc .
Even when you do have people around who are communicating with you it still feels like a lonely place sometimes because people who haven’t been through it don’t understand . Sending love. Xx
Hi sorry you going through this.
I worked in a nursing home ,I had two friends visit regularly.
Two guys from the home .
The rest of the staff women, told my one friend they didn’t know what to say to me.
One comment I got after going back after a mastectomy was what about your husband,I replied with I think he would sooner have me alive .
Hi, you are not alone, we all here to support you and answer any questions you may have throughout this journey. If you ever feel down or sad this forum really gave me so much motivation and positivity. My mum was diagnosed with IBC in April, she finished her chemo and next week she got her single mastectomy surgery. So throughout my journey looking after my mum, any questions or whenever I felt like needed to let my heart out this was the place
I can understands your upset as I experienced the same thing. You find out who your real friends are.
My diagnosis was over 5 years ago and I understood COVID restricted a lot of interaction but there is no excuse for not checking-in. I used to get fed up when people say “I don’t know what to say”, You don’t have to say anything but ignoring is more powerful.
Don’t loose your own good nature over your ‘good weather friends’. You will find your people and embrace them. It’s great to hear your family give you lots of support.
Stay strong and do check out any local support or exercise groups. x
