Erm hello… Im starting chemo next week, and after reading one long thread on here about it, I am truely scared now. Ive just had lumpectomy and have been recovering from the op with the help of friends and family. However my main carer has been my eldest son, (home for the summer after his first year at uni). He has also been looking after his 6 year old brother for me. He has been brilliant.
Of course I had hoped that the lumpectomy would be enough and I could get away with rads after, but things have deteriorated rapidly.
Now Im in for the long haul, as it were, and will be sick till christmas if Im lucky and i cant sleep for worrying about my kids. (I also have a 17 year old daughter) I am a single parent. My son will go back/must go back to uni in Oct…
I do have family who are willing to help but none close by. I do have friends, who are already being so kind and helpful to me.
And my children’s fathers (there are two of them, both remarried) are around for their kids (ish) So it’s not all bleak.
But still I am so scared. Its so unfair to put so much burden on my teenagers…
I have been such an independent woman. I have looked after everything and everyone now for a long time. 
And as its dawning on me just how much care I might need, I do wonder how on earth we will manage. My daughter loves going out with her friends, and has such a busy full life…
Is it actually possible, I wonder…?
Oh Tree, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re faced with even more gruelling treatment. I didn’t have chemo myself so I can’t say first hand what kind of care you might need, but I wanted to say that I think you are maybe underestimating just how much other people will do for you when you need help.
You sound like the kind of person that wouldn’t hesitate to help others and you have been used to being strong and being the carer so it is very hard to allow yourself to be the dependent one. My children were 17 and 18 when I was dx and they have both stepped up to do what was needed to keep the household running smoothly. My 17 year old son even took my clean pyjamas and underwear with him to college to bring to the hospital for me in his free period and then he took away things to washed as well. Kids are resilient and resourceful and it is good for them to have a bit of responsibility. I bet yours are well brought up, having a Mum like you, and they will be only too glad to be able to help. Similarly, your friends are probably only too happy to do something for you. I think you need to stop worrying about being a burden and then talk to the people around you about what you might need and how they may be able to help. Think about how you would react if one of your friends was in a similar position and then trust others to be there for you.
I’m sure others will be on soon with more specific advice on the chemo too.
Take care and try not to worry.
E xx
Although I’m not a single parent I have 3 children aged 4,9 and 12 and they have all been brilliant throughout my chemo. Just understanding that Mum couldn’t do everything she could do before helped alot.
It helped that most of my chemo happened during the school term time so when i was feeling rubbish I could do nothing that day. My Mum doesn’t live near me but would come and stay with me for the 3 days following chemo and do the cooking and ironing for me. Wasn’t always nescessary but helped her as well in feeling she was doing something. Fec was easier than the TAX. The biggest issue was energy. Chemo is tiring.
I needed help in the first wk following chemo most and the following 2 weeks I picked up and was fine. See how you feel, maybe the couple of days following chemo your youngest could stay with Dad? Don’t be scared chemo is doable. I was so scared at first but I have just finished 6 cycles which even now I can’t believe.
Your son sounds great and I’m sure your daughter will want to help out as well. The hospital give lots of medications to help with side effect and if any don’t work tell them and they will change them.
Good luck
I live on my own and have just finished chemo (6 FEC) . I had no problems looking after myself throughout - cooking, cleaning etc. I would suggest getting help with your youngest for the first couple of days after each treatment but you will probably find that you are ok after that. Do take up offers of help from others and good luck.
Hi Tree
It is daunting, but you will get loads of offers of help, and you must take them - which is hard when you are used to being so capable, but this is one occasion when you must let others help you out. I found having all my shopping delivered was a big help - one less tiring chore to do. Also I was lazy with cooking for a while and fed the kids convenience food that I normally would turn my nose up at. I accepted all offers of lifts for my son from sporting fixtures - and once word was out I was inundated with them. I am sure it will be the same for you.
Make sure you tell the school what is going on, and set up a fall back if you can’t manage the school run. Planning for stuff in advance will help you feel more in control. And you may find it all much easier than you think. With FEC I felt hungover for a week but could manage everything, and the next two weeks were almost normal. Tax was harder, but even so got through it without too much trauma.
And don’t forget the stories you will read on here are mainly of people having a tough time - the ones breezing through it don’t need to come here for support - but they do exist!
Good luck finty xx
Hi Tree,
I echo what the others have said. I have 2 children aged 2 ( 3 on friday!) and 5. I have done 3 fec, 2 tax and i have one tax left to go. I am really lucky in that my mum and sisters live near me and have helped a lot. My husband has his own company and works all hours so has found it hard to help as much as he would have liked to.
The fec cycles were easiest, though the sickness made it hard for me. Not everyone gets sickness and the meds are really good at offsetting it so you could well be fine. Pre bc, if i as much as stumped my tow i would feel sick, so i knew i was def at risk. If you can get help the first week in getting your youngest to school and back, that would really help you and take the pressure off. Even knowing people are lined up just in case can help you cope. As Finty says, do your shopping on line, and maybe freeze some meals in advance. I wrote recipes and meal ideas that i knew my sons would like and eat out so i wouldnt have to be thinking of it when i felt sick. Maybeyour daughter could help with teas? After a first slightly disastrous post chemo weekend, i relaised the boys were better off having fun elsewhere that weekend and i was better concentrating on getting better, so perhaps get them to stay out over the weekend, and maybe even the sunday night so monday school run isnt your responsibility.
I also got a cleaner just before i started chemo and she comes once a week. That has been one of my best decisions, if aleverything else goes to pot, i know my house will be cleaned and a nicer environment for us all. One less thing to stress about!
The last 2 weeks of the cycle were pretty manageable. And if you get the children sorted then you should be able to look after yourself ok, as long as you have prepared and bought stuff in!
Hope that helps, any questions just ask
ps. I am on day 14 post tax 2 today. I have got up with my boys, fed them, clothed them, done some washing, cleaned up, taken them to a play place, done a shop at sainsburys, gone to the park, made a curry and hot dogs, bathed and bedded the boys and now relaxing. So you can see what can be done and i am one of the worst culprits for posting the side effects when i am going through it! Some cacky days you can plan for, lots of decent days too.
Vickie
Hello Tree,
I am currently having rads treatment for bc. I work for a company called Crossroads, their help is classed as ‘Caring for Carers’.
You may be able to get some help from them, it would be better if you can get a refferal for them from your doctor or social services. They can come in to you on a weekly basis,sometimes a couple of times or as required, they will help you with personal care if required, can take you out in their own cars for possible hospital apps or just a nice day out, and generally help you with anything you may normally get your carers to do for you. This will enable your carers to have a bit of time for themselves when they can then do as they wish without having to worry about any aspect of your care, for a few hours at a time anyway. Some people have to pay for this care but a great deal of our clients have various ways of the costs being covered by social services and other organizations.
It is a very friendly service and we very often become like friends. All Crossroads Carer Support Workers are very highly trained in all aspects of care and client confidentiality is of uttmost importance.
I hope this may be of help to you and I hope you don’t mind me telling you about this service, it just may be of some use to you.
I hope all goes well for you, take care,
Isabelle xxx
Tree
You may be one of the lucky ones who sails through chemo and is able to get on with life as normal…let’s hope so :0)
It certainly isn’t a given that you will struggle on chemo. I found chemo very doable. I certainly didn’t enjoy it and felt yuck a couple of times, but it didn’t ever stop me from doing what I wanted to at any time. I often felt a little more tired, a slightly hungover feeling, but was never sick. Unfortunately lots of people do feel rough but lots of others have minimal side effects.
As others have said, do use all the offers of help that will come piling in. My son was 10 and half term fell the week after my first chemo. All of his friends’ parents all offered to take my son and he had days out and sleepovers all week long. As it happened I was fine, but bored and fed up without him, I wanted to see him, but didn’t want to deprive him of all the exciting treats offered to him. You will probably be inundated wih offers of help with your son and people will genuinely want you to take them up.
Take care and I hope that all of your treatment goes well,
Nicola xx
Hi Tree
I am a single parent, but I would guess a good bit older than you, as my ‘children’ are all in their 20’s/30’s & in their own homes & I live alone. I hoped to do chemo alone but soon realised that wasn’t possible for me, as I did feel terribly ill for a few days each time, so I asked them if they could help me at all. They took turns to come & stay after each treatment from the Sunday till about the Thursday (my chemos were on Fridays but SE’S usually started on the Sunday, getting worse & then better). Them doing this involved a lot of other people too. My son’s boss told him to take as much time as he needed, & if he needed time off at short notice it would not be a problem. One of my daughters works as a nursery nurse, her boss’s attitude was exactly the same. She has a son, who goes to the nursery she works in, so her partner’s mum picked him up from nursery & helped look after him. My other daughter was doing a college course, & was able to keep in touch with intranet. She also had a 2 year old, & her partner’s parents took him to stay with them. I was very lucky that all these people were so happy to help my family to help me. I am sure if your son explains the situation at Uni, he will get understanding & support there. He will also have access to emotional support should he want or need that. You haven’t said what your daughter does - is she still at school ? If so, I would encourage her to explain to her guidance teacher, or any other teacher who she gets on well with, what’s happening at home, & thereby she should also find support, & they can help her manage things like homework etc. I see no reason she can’t still see her friends etc. When I say I needed someone with me, I didn’t need them 24/7, I was fine if they went out, just knowing they were coming back was enough. With FEC for example, I could eat, but wasn’t able to cook or clean up. But I didn’t need actual nursing. It also made a huge difference when I couldn’t sleep having someone in the house, but I didn’t need them to be awake - does this make any sense ?
I also found Tesco online invaluable, & quickly learned to keep a wee stock of ready meals & tinned soup. The wee one is more of a problem certainly, & I would echo the other ladies in suggesting you take up any & all offers of days out, sleepovers etc he gets. Also if Dad is happy & able to take him for a few days all the better.
Wishing you & the family all the best, it feels like a long haul, but you’ll be out the other side quicker than you think.
Thank you so much for all your thoughtful and considered replies. Reading them is a help.
I’m trying to be calm, and although I am managing a good cover job on the exterior, inside, I am in danger of being consumed by the thought that chemo might do more harm than good. It does seem so brutal.The fear of getting sick, being hospitalised… I know I have to trust the health care professionals though, there’s no choice. It’s just so hard to get your head around all this.
Tree,
I was also terrified of the side effects of chemotherapy, again another unknown. I started in April, 4 FEC and 4 TAX… throughout FEC I was great, a little down on day 5/6 but nothing that stopped me working. I had 1 TAX that didnt agree with me and changed to Abraxane.
I realise that I have been very lucky, but it does happen.
Marguerite
Hi Tree
Firstly sorry to hear you are gong through all this. I was in the same situation as you a year ago after an initial wide area segmentation I was diagnosed Grade 3 and had 6 FECs and radio. My kids were aged 12 and 9 at the time of my diagnosis. My ex was not paying any maintenance to them in spite of teh best efforts of the CSA. Therefore you can imagine in spite of insurance policies etc that it was a total blow. I took the attitude that I could not afford to allow this to floor me. Until radio I continued to work full time although thanks to a fantastic boss I was able to work form home on teh days that my immunity was most low from chemo. The house is still a mess and dusty but my kids had uniterrupted routine as did I. During radio I found I could not manage so well so I only worked in the mornings as I was so run down by that point and there is a lot of travelling to hospital daily. My kids helped much as they coudl but quite young. I had little family support but a great friend who did ironing. In retrospect I should have asked for more.
My GP told me afterwards that social work etc might have been able to help me out but I dindt find this out as I rarely went to teh actual surgery.
Anyway if you put your mind to normality it is do-able. Also want to mention the other thing I did is to take loads of exercise which I dont normally and ate loads of green veg to try to keep me healthy and it seemed to work.
There is a great range of leaflets form MacMillan about children and cancer and their attitudes. You should get them form MacMillan website - free .
Good luck hope you get on well. This time next year you will be like me fully helathy again with a head of curls !
sorry meant to say it might be a good idea to have someone with you on the night you have your chemo as I truly felt very unwell these days and not able to manage much at home. Perhaps your duaghter would be able to be persuadde just on thes enights to take control of teh house
Hello Tree,
When you are newly diagnosed and embarking on your ‘year of treatment’ it is quite overwhelming and scary. And being a single mum with young children just makes it more difficult, I am sure.
As Nicky and some of the other posters have also commented, it is not a given that you will be poorly throughout your chemotherapy or subsequent treatment. Although many people are quite poorly, many others (like me) are lucky enough to stay well and manage to carry on their lives with minimum disruption. Although I have had time off work for 2 lots of surgery, I was well enough to continue working full time throughout my chemo, and pretty much kept on top of things at home, though now that I am over my MX and recon, I did get the urge to spring clean the house last weekend as I realised that the last time I had vacummed under any furniture was in December when I took the Christmas Tree down! But in all honesty that stuff doesn’t matter a jot.
I think that everyone notices that they have less energy while having chemo, but I found that it wasn’t really until the last two treatments that it really began to slow me down.
Good luck. I hope that you stay well.
Jacqui
Thank you so much for your message Jacqui. The bit about hoovering made me laugh out loud. I haven’t hoovered properly since my op (mid July) and Im trying really hard not to let it bother me…
Old habits die hard though. I thank God every day I got a dishwasher last year! I am trying to relax about the house, my kids are being so good, there’s only so much I can ask of them.
Only 2 weeks into my first chemo, and it’s hit me quite hard, but I can still function (ish)
Dreading those final couple of months though…
Btw, what does it mean MX? I still cant work that one out?
Hi Tree
Abreviations take a wee while to get to grips with huh!! Mx is mastectomy. Theres a list of others on this site to help you out.(I think under the threads)
I also wanted to say there is a charity called Princes Trust for carers who in many areas, have groups to support children/young people. Your childreen may find them helpful. princes-trust.org.uk
Good luck with your treatment
Cathie x
Thanks Cathie, I need to know that, seeing as I’m having one after this chemos finished…
Thanks for the tip about the princes trust I shall look into it. x
You will soon get used to the abbreviations Tree. I spent yesterday cleaning my oven … sure that the remnants of Christmas dinner were still there (my dx - diagnosis - was 6 Jan). Just deal with looking after yourself and your children and let the other stuff slide … like me, you can catch up when you feel well again.
Sorry to hear that you haven’t felt too good since your first chemo. Listen to your body and rest when you need to.
Jacqui
hi tree i am also a single parent with teenage and early twentys children. when i had chemo last year my kids ran the house between them quite well and took it in turns to cook etc. they actually did a better job than i did and i made sure they got turns in going out and seeing there friends etc. I actually used to sleep a lot. I had fec and it wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be. I took extra precauctions to try and keep infection free by having my own plate cups and cutlery. using my own towel flannel etc. Had a sore mouth but used mouth wash every night. I kept people outside the family away during the vunrable days. I watched loads of dvds and went out on my good days.On days when i couldnt eat much i took build up which is like milk shake and it really helped me. I did loose a bit of weight but that was in my case a good thing. of course the hair thing happened but as soon it started to get really thin i got my daughter to shave it. although i got a shock everytime i looked in the mirror i found it quite comfortable. At first i kept a wrap on all the time but soon my family got used to seeing me.I had wigs to wear out and they were great my daughters got a kick out of trying them on.So dont worry you will be ok , believe me its doable and your kids will help you i am sure. My kids were amused because i gave orders from my bed. so good luck.