I had a mastectomy six years ago and at the time decided against reconstruction. I just wanted to get out of hospital and carry on with my life as quickly as possible. I thought I had coped with it. My Husband was not a great deal of support and we have since separated. He said to me on several occasions “No-one else will want you now in that state” referring to my scar.
I’m 53 and on my own but am now terrified - what if I do meet some-one else, how do you bring up the subject, should I have reconstruction now? Coping with the break-up of my marriage is one thing but I now feel I am having to deal with cancer all over again.
I’m also feeling guilty because I know what so many of you girls are going through at the moment just dealing with the disease. I am one of the lucky ones, I survived but still feel vulnerable.
I would welcome some advice from others
hi locker - sorry you feel so vulnerable and hurt. Recon results are variable and although I have read posts from women who say their new boobs look fantastic, mine doesn’t. It is a big op and I think if you could be sure of few complications and a decent result it would be worth it, certainly some posters have really felt better for having it done.
Lots of us struggle with being single and letting new peopl know about our situation. My new conclusion - given i blurted it out on a date and the guy went to the toilet and did not come back to the table - is to wait till you know you really like each otyhe as people or until you know you’ll see him again and calmly tell him you have had breast surgery. If he asks follow up questions you will probably see him again. I find the ones that don’t can not face itand though it can be embarassing to see them again in social settings at least you know he would not have coped.
Wishing you luck and hope you get other replies with good advice.
Love
Jane x
Hi Locker.
I had my breast removed just under 5 years ago. I asked whether i could have reconstruction at the time of removal but they said no.
I must admit i do miss my boob but the thought of having an operation and it not being what i wanted has put me off. I have decided that i am lovely as i am scar at all. The only down size is clothes…well all the girls ot there will know that. I must admit that i have tops that are too low but my thought is if someone is going to look they will get a surprise…i donot really care.
I must admit i do have a partner and i have been lucky he has stood by me.
If i was you i would wait until you meet someone and if it looks like it may be going somewhere tell them. If they really like you it will make no difference to them at at. It is the person inside that is important not the outside body.
Your soul mate is out their somewhere go and find them, they will be lucky to have you.
Hi locker, i was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago and was in a new relationship at the time, I ended it 12 months ago, the thing is i didn’t really want to be with him because he was not right for me but stayed with him because i was scarde nobody else would want me, I have recently had reconstruction and am happy with it for the clothes reason! but still dont feel that i could have an intimate relationship with anyone which is quite sad as i am only 45. Helenxx
Hi, your ex is wrong - decent men will not only want you but - and this is better - they will be amazed at your bravery! lots of women will not want a man who could not see beyond the physical. I pity the woman that settles for that attitude.
I suspect he cant handle his own feelings and is trying to make himself feel better. I am sure in time, if he is a decent person he will regret the hurtful things he has said. but until then you should know that you are better off without that attitude around you.
this disease brings out the best and worst in everyone. keep believing in yourself and in life - there is a soul mate out there dont settle for anything less than a brave, life loving man!
Hello locker,
You are the first person i wanted to connect with. I am brand new to this site and breast cancer, i had my rather large right breast removed 4 weeks ago and still getting used to the strangeness of it all. there is a lot to come to terms with but your post really moved me and i was impressed by some of the responses but particularly the one from Lisal. that was my initial thinking what a wonderful way to sort the wheat from the chaff. Keep the losers away and find a decent one who cares and sees beyond the physical. Your experience seems to have cleared the clutter out of your life and so i would view it as a positive thing. 6 years on you are still here so start fighting for a better life now as you are obviously a fighter.
I keep hearing it is only the fighters who survive, 33% of people just give up, you didn’t then and you didn’t when he left so now put your energies into you and finding that soul mate who is out there waiting for you. start today and like everything else in life everything positive starts with a smile on your face that works its way into your heart. believe you can find whatever it is you want and you will. good luck. xx
I can relate so well to the issue raised on this thread.
My marriage effectively ended 9 years ago and, apart from a couple of short-term relationships, I’ve been single ever since. I have a very busy social life. I know lots of people. I’ve joined various online dating agencies. But still I’m on my own. Before BC it was a seemingly impossible task to find a good, intelligent, caring, attractive (& I don’t mean superficially by that) man who is crazy about me, and me about him. Now, at the age of 48, I have to add to that criteria that he must be cool about, not only the fact I have a mangled breast, but also that I have cancer. It certainly doesn’t make it any easier. I know that if I meet someone who falls in love with me and who is decent and emotionally-mature, then the cancer and imperfect breast won’t matter a jot, but sometimes it feels like an impossibility. I don’t think I’m being negative about it, just pragmatic.
Oh and Locker, I’m so sorry that your ex was such a sh*t that he would say such a cruel & unnecessary thing to you.
Take care all
Phili x
hi Philidel,
the law of attraction states; we have but, to place our order to the universe and our wish will be answered. We don’t send out a thought about needing a man or a partner as then all we get back is a continuing need. we send out a positive and sincere thank you in advance for providing us with exactly what we want. so first you make your list of everything you would like this partner to be, you design him and then allow the universe to send him to you. you thank the universe and along he comes.
you sound like such a positive soul with a busy and active social life that any minute now you will be meeting your white knight. and yes Lockers husband was cruel and mean but he should not be given any more power in her life, he has taken enough from her and now she needs to close that door and place her new order.
good luck to you both and i hope i don’t sound too “pollyanna” as i am new to this way of life and have yet to see for myself how things are but for now i am just getting my head around the chemo i have to start next week.
xx
Wow IOC!
I sure like your way of looking at things.Count me as a convert as I’m going to give it a try!..Good luck with the chemo,I hope you find it as easy as I did xx
Hey there josyemarie, that sounds good to me about getting through it EASY, all i have heard so far are horror stories so great to know there is some chance of coping with it and remaining sane.
I found the advice and solutions on this website empowering so not as anxious as i was.
what stage are you at in this strange world of the big C?
I’m 5yrs and 5mths down the line! Dx 2.4cm triple neg tumour Dec '03. Had 4xfec,4xtax and 6wks rads.I didn’t find it too bad at all- I just carried on as usual and didn’t let it interfere with my lifestyle.I didn’t push myself,I just found it was my way of getting through it.I worked through most of it helping my then partner(who was an eletrician)wire houses. Apart from the first night when I seemed to have the mother of all hangovers and could hardly make it to the bathroom I was ok.Took my anti-nausea pills,didn’t feel sick.Had a bit of a problem with mouth ulcers but was given a very good mouthwash which really helped.Did get more and more tired on the taxol and wouldn’t have liked a 5th one!..but my energy soon came back. I can honestly say that for me by far the worst thing about chemo was loseing my waist length hair.But it was a small price to pay!..here’s hopeing you sail through it too.
Josie xx
You are an inspiration to me right now. i must research all the ins and outs about the different types of cancer as i feel a complete novice and realise i have been quiet naive so will now ask about my lumps, as i don’t know anything about them just knew i wanted them out of my body ASAP.
they told me i will loose my hair in 2 weeks so i am enjoying it now and appreciating it when i always moaned before it is too thick, to curly…
we live and learn…
xx