I am so glad you have given us your very poignant ‘two cents’ on this thread. This is such an important issue. I have read many of your postings but was not aware that you had lost your mum at such a young age. Sadly you have had first hand experience of what it is like to grow up without a mum and have certainly seen things ‘through a child’s eyes’.
You mention that your mum and dad were not of a generation to keep memory boxes, photo’s etc. but I also think there maybe a generation issue too with regard to how children were treated in the way things were kept from them in those days. Even though times and attitudes have changed the sad fact remains that some children are growing up today without a mum and this is not how it is meant to be.
I for one appreciate you taking the time to post. Thank you Dahlia. Love xxx
Hi Dahlia, thank you for your post, I appreciate it too.
My parents died quite a bit later than yours but yes, I have often wished that I had more to remember them by. My mum was a professional photographer so there are hundreds of pictures of me growing up, and a few of my dad, but almost none of her and I would have really appreciated some of us together.
Because they died when I was a teenager, I was totally self-absorbed and not particularly interested in their lives at the time, and as I didn’t realise how little time I had left I didn’t ask questions - one of my biggest regrets. They gave me a wonderful childhood, but I feel I barely know them and would love to know more about their lives before me as well - they had me very late in life.
This is why since I’ve been diagnosed I have been writing a letter to my little boy so that if the worst happens he will be able to know me a bit, and never have any doubts about how much I love him. It is like a diary format but I am throwing in bits about my past, my friends, and what he’s doing at his current age (2). I also hope that my telling him what a comfort he is to me now while I’m ill he will not have any guilt about my death - I have personally suffered with terrible guilt that i didn’t do more to support my parents ever since and this has affected my whole life and all my relationships! I don’t want him to ever feel like that.
My boyfriend is a photographer too and though I hate having my picture taken I am getting him to take lots of us (preferably while I still have my hair!) though I have already picked out a nice wig for when chemo starts.
Several of my friends have also lost their parent young, and have agreed that something like a letter or diary would have made the world of difference to their lives - so I hope I have enough time to do a good one. It is therapeutic to me too, having never kept a diary - and makes me feel more ‘prepared’. Don’t know if anyone else is doing something similar?
Hey ladies, i do hesitate when posting this but i cant say it has even crossed my mind i will die. I cant think that i will do anything unless i knew something had progressed and i am so so thankful my 1 and 2 yr old will have no memory of me being bald and tired. I guess i have no history of poorly parents altho my dad died in a car crash when i was 9 so i have some experience of loss.
It seems a very personal thing and however people choose to manage it all is ultimatly the right way for them dont you think??
Oh dear, it’s true I am such a ‘glass half empty’ person. I don’t even know what the prognosis is yet - Friday’s surgery went well though I should get the detailed results/recommendations for further treatment on Thursday after they’ve analyzed the bits and bobs they took.
I know I should be more positive, I just always have to prepare for the worst case scenario! I know this isn’t a healthy way to think. Apologies if I’ve depressed everyone!
Don’t be so hard on yourself sweetheart, these feelings are totally natural at this stage in your treatment, you’re just at the start and probably still reeling from the shock of it all. I had a horrendous dream not long after I was diagnosed of me being carried out of the house in my coffin and my little girl asking where Mummy was. I’m not saying that the fears totally disappear but it does get easier as you get into your treatment and meet people in the same boat.
I’m keeping a journal as well, I hope that one day my daughter will read it and understand how much she helped me through everything and how proud we are of her. I didn’t start it from the point of view of leaving something behind when I’m not here (I intend to be around for a long time!) initially it was to help me get my head round things but since my daughter was dx with cancer 6 months after me it has turned into a story of both our journeys. It’s not just about cancer though! there are some laughs in it as well, it’s just a story about our family really.
I totally agree that we are all individuals and handle things differently though.
GB- good luck for thursday. I mean it when i say however you choose to deal with anything in life is very personal. I am an eternal optomist prob to the point of denial about anything negative in life!!Takes all sorts!
I didnt beleieve i had cancer right up to the minute they were about to cannulate for the chemo then i burst into tears!
Veggie, strange about your dream, when I was coming round from the anaesthetic on Friday I remember seeing my little boy open the door and toddle in, saying ‘mummy’. He wasn’t there at all (was safely at his nursery) but seemed very real. Not as traumatic as your dream though!
I hope your journal is going well. I think it’s a nice idea for anyone with kids, breast cancer or not! Always better than relying on memory alone (mine is worse than a goldfish’s) - I like to write everything down.
Hope you are all doing well, I’ll keep you posted with Thursdays result!
I am 35 and have just been diagnosed yesterday, with breast cancer. I have to have a full mastectomy and am very frightened. I have a 17 month year old son and I am very worried about him too.
Sorry you have had to join us.Its so scary isn’t it.Please try not worry about your little one,he will be very resilient and take it all in his stride.
When do you get your op?
Do you have family around you?
Big hugs((((((((((()))))))))))))))
Dot
x
Summeroc- Theres nothing much i can say except every step you take closer to finishing your cancer treatment makes you stronger. Get to the clinic for results- one step, get your date for the op- next step. The OP-next step…it is the only way to face it.
I had an 8mth old and a 2yr old at diagnosis and that night i had to go home and never breastfeed her again. Its heartbreaking but now, 4 mths down the line, ive had 3 cycles of chemo and i have the end firmly in sight to start my life over again regardless of my treatment not ending till the new yr.
Cry,moan,snack,drink and most of all dont worry sbout your baby. They are bloody marvellous at keeping you going and the only reason i am surving all this c**p. Be thankful you have him/her. They are the key to you getting better.
Summeroc, so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I’m probs not the best person to give advice as I’m still in shock from my own I think! But I do like evie2007’s way of dealing with it all - i.e. positive thinking and honesty! I’ve always had ‘glass half empty’ mentality and it has got me nowhere. Everyone, medical staff and friends - are telling me the mind has enormous healing power and I believe them, just need to somehow train myself how to do it for my son’s sake!
I went to the hospital today and they gave me the ‘Mummy’s Lump’ book which looks really good. So far I have been telling my little one mummy has a ‘sore booby’ which he seems to understand as he had a sore toe recently. I’m showing him the scar too, he seems fairly un-bothered. I am worried about losing my hair, and putting on weight in case he doesn’t recognise me, but again I’m planning to keep him involved in any changes.
Evie, thanks for asking about my results! They were the best I could hope for under the circumstances. I already knew I had a grade 3, but now they tell me it’s a bit smaller than thought (13mm x 17mm) and is an ‘early stage 1’ cancer, and not oestrogen related. Apparently this means I am 82% likely to still be here in 10 years time (without chemo) and 91% likely WITH chemo. If I wasn’t a mum I’d think sod it, and go off round the world or something! But I owe my little boy every extra percentage of chance so I’m going to do the chemo.
The only good thing about this whole shitty situation is that I appreciate every minute with my son 100 times more!
Summeroc, you must be in terrible shock. Although I’m over 2 years past diagnosis, I remember the moment that I was told I had breast cancer as if it was yesterday. My daughter was just over 2 at the time and I remember looking at her and thinking that I would never see her grow up, I thought my whole world had collapsed.
This is the worst time of the whole journey as everything is so unknown, once your treatment is planned and underway you will have more certainty and you’ll feel like you’re actively doing something to beat the disease. I had to have a mastectomy as well and believe me it’s not as bad as you think, you can ask me anything you want (send me a private message if you prefer) I felt a huge sense of relief once it was over as that was stage one dealt with, as Evie says one thing at a time, it’s easier if you try to live in the moment and not think ahead too much (sorry if that sounds preachy, it’s just my experience)
As previously said your son will help you through everything. I was open and honest with my daughter about everything and she accepted it all without batting an eyelid. They are strong wee things.
Take care, big hug for you.
FANTASTIC results GB, God yes go with the chemo. I remember telling myself how lucky I was to get chemo because it gave me the best chance of being around for a very long time for my daughter. I took every bit of treatment available to me.
I have said before that I think we presume that our children will be totally shellshocked and badly affected by everything but in the end you are still you, hair or no hair, you love your son just the same (if not more with every day) and that is what is important and all he is bothered about. For the record I had the cold cap all through my chemo and I didn’t lose my hair, I know it is no guarantee but worth investigating?
Oh and yes the mind is incredibly powerful, I have made myself a little retreat at home (candles, crystals that sort of thing) where I can be quiet and empty my mind of all the rubbish that’s in there! It has really helped me. Stress does affect the immune system which obviously is compromised by chemo so if your mind is OK and you are feeling positive it will help your body as well. Please don’t think I’m some sort of new age fanatic, I’m just me!
I agree VB. I dont even think about my cancer the majority of the time and when i have chemo i think about getting it out of my body as faST as possible and tell mysekf i wont be ill…worked so far. Nurse said my bloods didnt even look like i was having chemo! Hoorah. I know i am thoi as bald as an egg and lost half an eyebrow this week! Marvellous. What i dont accept, despite being a positive perons is why i need 8 cycles when i have clear lymph and cancer was totally isoloated in large 7x7 lump when it was only 2cm inside. Cons didnt really have a reason and that made me mad. Its not hwer that has to be poisoned and extra two time more than most DESPITE clear lymph…rant over. Big prob is as far as i am concerened 6 is enough but i am a tiny bit scared if i stick to my guns and decline the full 8 it will come back and ill look an idiot ( and maybe have a grim prognosis then). No research seems to support 8 more than 6 so gonna grill her. if its personal preference which ia what the nurse said she canm have the bloody extra two!! I think i am a typical health care prfoessional by being stubborn but i like facts and figures!!
Good results GB. Mine was grade 3 but stage 2 and 2.0mm. Im not always positive- this post is a rant huh?! I tend to stick my head in the sand- my teachers said the same- and go la la la…some owould think thats dumb but its self preservation!
Looking forward to weekend. Girls been tired and grumpy today with the heat and they have been hard work!!
That’s amazing re the bloods. I definately want to try your technique! A friend just bought me a book called ‘How your mind can heal your body’ by a scientist David R Hamilton. I’ve only just started it but so far very interesting, it describes a lot of research projects that have been done re the mind/body connection and tries to explain how it works. I’m not surprised you are dealing so well physically with chemo - telling yourself you won’t be ill is proven to be effective apparently. Book also talks about the placebo effect. There is also a visualisation section, with lots for cancer including chemotherapy. I know it might sound a bit hippyish to some, but seems to be well referenced and practical.
Sorry I’ve departed a bit from the ‘small children’ thread!
PS I don’t really understand the logic behind what/how much chemo they give either. They told me I no longer have cancer - and to think of it as an ‘insurance policy’ against it coming back. But I still need 8 cycles like everyone else.
They’ve given me those prognosis percentages. But how do these compare with the percentage likelihood of dying within 10 yrs from something else entirely, unrelated to BC? I must write a list of questions for my BC nurse!
PPS Veggie, your retreat sounds lovely! I plan to use these 2 weeks before starting chemo to buy some nice pampering things like this. I will try the cold cap but doc says with one of the drugs I’m having it’s unlikely to work (Taxol?)
Is it taxotere you’re having GB? I had 3 of those and didn’t lose my hair but I suspect I was incredibly fortunate?
Not sure about 8 cycles of chemo versus 6, sorry Evie. Maybe something to do with your age (ie you’re young!)I suspect it’s once again down to different protocols according to where you are in the country?
I am supposed to be having 4 cycles of AC followed by 4 of Taxol (similar to Taxotere I believe). This is every 2 weeks ie ‘dose dense’ schedule.
Odd about the hair as the onc. said the cold cap might work for the AC - but highly unlikely for the Taxol, where hair was almost certain to fall out regardless! Did you use a cap?
I have heard peripheral neuropathy is v possible with Taxol/Taxotere. This is a big worry as my dad was completely debilitated with this when he had lung cancer. I’m not sure what drugs he was on though. Did/do you suffer from this at all?
Yes I used the cold cap throughout. I had 3 X FEC and 3 X Taxotere. My hair thinned a bit but you could only notice it if you looked closely. I think the chemo nurses were surprised! If you can stand the first 5 - 10 minutes of the cold cap then you’ll be OK, your head sort of goes numb after that!
I was very lucky with my SE’s, I only had joint pain with Taxotere for the first cycle and a wee bit of nausea with the FEC again only on the first cycle. I would speak to your BCN to see if they can recommend anything to prevent or lessen the peripheral neuropathy (should it happen) sorry I can’t help more with that, you’re bound to be worried but as I’ve said before everyone reacts differently to chemo so fingers crossed for you that you have an “easy” ride.