Hi, I am 37, just been diagnosed and am due to start treatment Friday (lumpectomy followed by chemo, etc.) Am terrified how this will all affect my 2 year old son. I don’t know how much he understands, and am desperate to make sure his life is kept as normal as possible, and that he feels secure. Having lost my own parents at a fairly young age (teens) I know how much things like this happening in childhood can affect the rest of your life. I have a partner and good friends but no other family for support. Does anyone have advice? Or experience in a similar situation? GB
Hi
I’m sure other users will be along to support you soon but in the meantime you may find Breast Cancer Cares free publication ‘Mummys Lump’ very helpful, I have put the link below for you
breastcancercare.org.uk/server/show/nav.30/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/18
best wishes
June, moderator
Hi GB,
I, like you, am 37 and have just been diagnosed last week. My children are slightly older (13,10 and 5), but I did worry about what and how much I should say.
I believe that children of whatever age deserve the truth at a level they can understand. In my case with my youngest I have a ‘hurty booby’ and will be having the hurt taken away in hospital. The olders ones know there is a lump that shouldn’t be there and that I am having an operation.
At the moment, I’m not sure where my treatment will take me, but I will be honest with them all the way.
So are you actually having your operation this Friday? That’s really quick. Mine is a week Friday.
Wishing you all the best.
Alison
x
just want to wish you both all the very best for your operations.
I am a little further down the line and start radiotherapy next month, I have two teenage sons and have been honest with them from the start.
you will get there, take care
Carol x
hiya.
I have 2 daughters aged 2.5 and 1. My 2.5 yr old did not like the bandage on my boob and wanted it removing asap. She was pacified by having her own bandage on her chest so she was the same as me! She fussed until the bandage came off, looked at the scar and promptly said “sore booboo” and wanted to check it out every day. Nearly 3 mths on she still has an occasional look and states its “sore”. She did seem upset at first and her sleeping went to pot but by a week she was fine as i was fine and doing everything again.
No idea if you little one will be the same! The baby only did a double take when my hair fell out! Mt eldest daughter thought the wind blew my hair off and now wnats a hat on outside in case it happens to her!
take care
kids are V V adaptable!
S
Thank you all for your reassuring replies. My instincts tell me to be honest with my son, I know my parents tried to keep my Dad’s cancer from me when I was 12-14, and I wish they hadn’t as by the time I knew what was going on it was too late. I resented the fact that he wasn’t spending so much time with me and didn’t understand why he was always in pain. If I’d known from the beginning I might have been more supportive and made the most of time we had left together.
It’s just that my son is so much younger - but that comment about telling them what’s happening in their own language makes sense. I will have a think about what to say. I have just got my (previously long) hair cut into a short bob to prepare for hair loss, in the hope that it won’t seem such a dramatic change - my son hardly even noticed! I also want to look at wigs and maybe start having fun with these BEFORE I go bald.
Hi,
I was daignosed 2 years ago with secondary cancer, when my son was nearly 3, and have always answered his questions as honestly as possible-all he has needed to know up to now is that I am poorly, go to the hospital to have special medicine to keep me as well as possible, and sometimes need a rest. He is quite happy with that at the moment. I have also found that as long as his routine is kept fairly normal, he is fine.
The other thing to say is that if people offer to help, give them something to do, such as the hoovering so you have more energy to spend on your son.
best wishes,
Nicky
hiya
just a heads up…my daughter was scared of the wig at first and it took ages for her to accept it. Now she chooses what i wear each day to go out in!
kids
Hello GB so sorry you’re in this club.
I have a little boy just turned 6.
When I was dx the BC nurse gave me the book Mummy’s Lump to help explain what was happening, it’s easy to follow and explains really well in simple terms what may happen. It’s not a scary book. I told him I’d been to see the doctor as I had found a lump and that I had a book that told what happened to another mummy with a lump like me. We sat cuddled up together and even though he can read he asked me to read it to him. Afterwards he didn’t have any questions and took the book to his room - I have no idea where he put it but it’s not on his book shelf (or the bin). 2 weeks later in Ikea he shouted across the room to me asking where the lump came from " Mum you know that lump in your boob, where did it come from?"! He seems ok, although I am getting a lot of cuddles, and has related my worries to when he was worried about having his latest inoculations.
When I last went in to hospital he gave me a hug and said that he hoped I didn’t get the sick medicine. He loves my scars and is amazed how they are fading. We went together to look at wigs, hats etc and he chose me something to wear at home. I have worn it a couple of times so that he gets used to it.
My BC nurse advised that it is better to tell children as they pick up on tension and worries and often blame themselves if they don’t know the actual cause. She also said that young children prefer Mummy to have hair. My little one has said he would like me to have my hair on when I collect him from school.
I’ve answered all his questions honestly and always try and be positive. He hasn’t asked me about dying but I am waiting for this as he has watched the latest advert for cancer research intently a few times. My BCN said to not promise anything but to say that the doctors, nurses and Mummy will do all they can to make Mummy better.
Has your 2 year old started playgroup yet GB? If so I would tell the playgroup staff. My son popped out with “my Mum’s got breast cancer”, very matter of factly apparently, and as his teacher was prepared she said she just said yes she knew and I was having help from the doctors and nurses - same message so just like any other illness, she said he has been fine at school, normal.
Hard decisions…
take care
Katie
Hi gardenbeetle,
I was 39 when dx, whilst 30 weeks pregnant, and with a 2 year old. My children know nothing about my illness and I am going to keep it that way for as long as I feel I can. The risk is that as they get older, someone else may tell them. However, this is a risk I am prepared to take for now. Have spent so many hours lying awake at night worrying about what is the right thing to do. Yes, I do feel that you can tell young children in such a way that is appropriate to their age but I don’t think this is for me yet. You have to do what you think is right for you and your children. I wish you well through your treatment and beyond. Love xxx
SwissMiss you’re right to do what’s right for you, you know your child/children better than anyone. Don’t waste time worrying about it, you can cross that bridge if and when it occurs. Put your energy in to getting/keeping well.
Take care
x x
Me again Gardenbeetle
I have re-read your post and was sorry to learn that you lost your parents when you were in your teens. Because of life experiences, this is one of the reasons I have not told my children (who are now 5 and 3) because I lost my eldest child/their sister to cancer aged 4 - three months later I was dx! My children are very aware and understand that they have lost their sister, nothing is hidden away from them, but I do not want them to carry a further burden worrying about me. As Katie says, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. You can only come to a decision based on you, your children and your circumstances and experiences in life - we can all add our support and offer advice but this will be your call and a very hard one at that. Love and best wishes. xxx
Hi gardenbeetle,
it’s not easy with small children each is so different in how they cope with things, adn only you know your child best.
As a paediatric nurse first thing I would say no matter what never lie because if he loses trust getting it back will be harder.
Saying something simple in a way he can understand is usually the best way. Also as someone else said earlier make sure he does not at any time think its his fault, small children often think its something they said or did that may have caused it. They also tend to pick up on thinks and ‘know’ that something is wrong and then worry about it, in some cases not telling anyone cos they feel its something thire family dont want to discuss or are afraid it will upset them. Children are often very protective of thire familys and will hide things from if they think it may upset them!
Above all though go with what you think your child can cope with only you know this.
Wishing you all the best
g
Hi All
I was dx at 39 when my children were 4 and 2. The BCC publication ‘Mummy’s Lump’ had just come out, which was perfect timing. We found it excellent - it helped to normalise things for them, to know that someone else’s Mummy had a bad lump etc. I was very open with everyone, gave the nursery a copy of ‘Mummy’s Lump’ and told the school that my daughter started whilst I was having chemo.
I found it easier to be open and honest, and they do not seem too worried. If I had said nothing, they would have worried and wondered why so many flowers cards and gifts arrived at the house, along with extra visitors and phone calls.
You will work out what’s best for your family.
Take care
Kinden
x
Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. KatieF - just as you were writing your reply to my post I was in the nursery explaining to the staff what has happened, I agree that’s a good idea. They were very nice and said they would keep an extra eye on him, and perhaps do some role-playing ‘doctor’ games which they do anyway sometimes with the kids.
I will also look into getting this ‘Mummy’s Lump’ book, sounds good.
My partner and I have had a chat since reading all your posts and decided to be honest with him, but keep it light-hearted and in a simple language. We also agreed that now the initial shock is over we must not cry, row or get emotional in front of our son. But in the first few days this was too difficult and he did witness me being very upset a couple of times.
I’m worried as although he seems happy enough, he has started biting his hands - leaving little teethmarks. The nursery said he did it there too, but recently another kid bit him a couple of times (in a scrap about a toy) which may have ‘inspired’ him? I just don’t know. Has anyone noticed their children doing this?
PS. SwissMiss,
I completely understand why you have decided not to tell your children. In your situation I would do the same, it is very different. You have been through the most awful thing I can imagine - nothing can be worse than losing a child. I luckily have not had to cope with this but I am very familiar with the fear of losing a parent, and the fear that I will lose everything precious to me has been with me ever since. Like you, I’d want to protect my kids from this. Hopefully my son, being younger and without prior experience of death, will have faith that the hospital can make mummy better.
Even if your kids do find out from someone else later on, one day they will also understand why you kept it from them I’m sure.
I hope your treatment is going well wherever you are with it xxx
Hey gardenbeetle,
Just wanted to pitch in as well if that’s OK.
Firstly the very best of luck for tommorow, it’ll be over before you know it and that’ll be stage one done.
I was diagnosed just over 2 years ago at 41, my daughter was just over 2 at the time. I was open and honest about things - she used to say Mr Harris (Surgeon) took Mummy’s breast away because it wasn’t well. Chemo was strong medicine to make Mummy better and radiotherapy chased the bad cells away. Her total acceptance of all my treatment was and is an inspiration to me. I took a photo of her with me to each chemo and whenever I had a wobble I looked at it and it gave me such strength.
Hi SwissMiss,
I completely understand your viewpoint and my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately my daughter was also diagnosed with cancer 6 months to the day after me. We very nearly lost her,she is doing well now and ironically having seen me go through treatment helped her, she was familiar with all the terminology for instance. But I would have gone through all the chemo in the world every day to spare her from it all.
I hope your treatment is going well, please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Take care everybody,
Veggie
For GB again,
My daughter didn’t bite her hands but she did go through a wee phase of biting her nails which was uncharacteristic. We didn’t make a big deal of it and she stopped by herself. I think maybe he’s just copying the other child?
There is a danger in thinking that children are traumatised by everything we go through but they are incredibly adaptable. There have been ocassions when I’ve been uptight about situations and how my daughter will react and she hasn’t even batted an eyelid. Be guided by him, you know him better than anyone and you’ll know if he’s his normal happy self.
Take care
Veggie
GB - Hi there - glad you have come to a decision and you are going to tell your little boy. Just one thing to bear in mind, even as young as 2 they are listening and taking in everything - you thought he was quite happily playing with his toys on the floor BUT he will always be listening. I think (and hope) you are right in that my children will understand why mummy kept her secret.
Veggiebean - I will try and PM you - haven’t sent a PM on this new site so bear with me … it could take some time!!
Love xxxx
Hello
Been reading this and hesitating to give my two cents but I have found through BC and childhood that it is better to be given certain information then have it withheld, especially the truth.
I suppose small children might be defined as under school age?
Well, I’m not sure when my Mother was dx exactly but in her late 30s and we were around 4 and 6 or maybe 5 and 7. She died when we were 6 and 8 and we knew she was ill because we kept visiting her in hospital but we were not told what was wrong with her or that she wouldn’t live and so when we were told one day that she had died several hours ago it was quite a shock. So we didn’t know that the last time we saw her WOULD be the last time we saw her because back then people didn’t tell children these things. We saw my Mother once a week because it was logistically difficult to get to the distant hospital during the week and we had school and my Father was trying to hold things together as best he could. Sadly neither he nor my Mother were of a generation who took lots of photographs or kept items for scrap books or memories and so we had/have almost nothing to remember her by.
I guess what I’m saying is be truthful with your children as early as you can if/when you know that your time with them may be limited. It is crushing to grow up without a Mother and in later years, my teens and these later years when I have the same disease and poor prognosis I wish very much that my parents, or someone, could have had the presence of mind, the foresight, to take pictures, record her voice, ask her to write a letter to us, keep some of her clothes even, as I so often sit and wonder what she was like, what she thought of us and very many other things.
That’s all.
D