So angry and down

Public Archive
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I’m usually such a positive person but I can’t help feeling so god damn angry with everyone at the moment. I was diagnosed last August, aged 28. I had surgery, chemo (3xFEC and 3xTaxatere), 20 rads and am now on Tamoxifen. I finished treatment about five weeks ago.

Throughout my treatment I was so positive. I have two boys (aged 3yrs and 20 months) so I haven’t had time to feel sorry for myself. However, since I finished treatment I don’t know what has come over me. I am so overly sensitive about everything and read too much into what everyone says to me. People always say the most stupid things and I just bottle them all up and cry myself to sleep.

I feel that because the trips to hospital have finished my close family think that it is all over and I should be able to get back to “normal”. I don’t know what that is anymore. I don’t look or feel anything like I did before DX and I am so tired all of the time.

I just want those close to me to realise that this has been really tough and that I need their support more than ever. I know I am harsh on people but I feel so alone, like I am the only person in the world. This really isn’t like me but I just can’t seem to pull myself together.

Am I going mad or does anyone else feel like this?

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Hi Tj

I haven’t felt like this yet, but I’m fully expecting to one day. I’m 44 with kids 15,13,&3 so further along the life path than you. I’m still at the beginning of my journey - I’ve had a mastectomy & partial recon and have chemo & rads still to get through. My family are therefore still all on board and sympathetic.

For you the journey has been longer and harder - to be given a life threatening diagnosis at such a young age is devastating - more so than later possibly… although it is the beginning of a nightmare for all of us, I’m not meaning to detract from anyones experiences. It will of course have been hard for the entire family - some people’s natural reaction will to now be to step back and see how you do. People can only manage so much pain & grief themselves and often need a little time out to take stock and recharge themselves.

For onlookers it can seem like ‘well, we’ve done it - we’ve supported and loved and upheld all of this time, and things are ok now’ – the focus begins to come off you and back onto themselves. It isn’t that they’ve forgotten or lost interest or stopped loving and supporting - maybe they’re just a little tired too.

For you on the other hand, you have just ridden a terrible storm. You have feared for your life, feared for your children and loved ones and probably said goodbye a number of times… the grief that you have experienced is phenomenal just on that count. In addition your body has endured surgery, chemicals, radioactivity, anaemia, & stress to name but a few. You deserve some peace now, you deserve to recover in mind & spirit.

Ask for the help that you still need. Talk to those that are angering you most - you are angry because they don’t seem to understand - tell them how you feel, how frightening it is, how life is not the same as it was and how it never will be. You will have re-evaluated everything over this past year - you are not the same person that you were…

I wish you love, understanding and a peace in your heart. The grieving will take its course - if it is a process that you is unbareable for you, seek help inother quarters - talk to your BC nurse of GP about berievment councelling. It will help you to understand and find the right direction for you and yours. You aren’t being harsh on anyone but yourself.

Stop and think. You can do it. You have been an amazingly strong woman, and no-one has taken that away. You can do it.

Keep the love up.
Td xx

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Hi Tigerjo,

There was a a thread last month called ‘Normal’ which you might find helpful to read - at the very least it should assure you that you are not going mad! I put a link in that the thread to one of what must be the most helpful articles ever written. I hope you find it helpful too.

breastcancercare.org.uk/bcc-forum/discussion/17552/?Focus=173133#Comment_173133

dawnhc

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I felt terribly lonely when I was diagnosed because no-one but me was facing my particular future and I have always had a negative attitude towards doctors and hospitals, at least every since I can remember.

Plus I found all the patronising concern a bit difficult to take, one minute no-one’s remotely interested in you and the next they have terribly concerned faces. Then a few months later they’ve forgotten about you again and if you say you feel bad they give you lots of guff about thinking positive and how you are cured and to get on with it.

Well I’m also angry, but maybe one day they will come up with a cure. That is what I am hoping for. The race for life is on shortly and should raise some more money for research.

I think your feelings of anger are perfectly reasonable but maybe you need to talk to a counsellor or do some things to feel better, e.g. some mild exercise, pamper yourself with perfume, makeup or massage. And I found retail therapy quite effective.

I hope you feel better and better

Mole

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Hey Tigerjo - You any better today??? Thinking of you…
Td xx

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Hey Waitingangel

Thank you so much for your message. It was so nice to have some constructive comments rather than being told to pull myself together! I have given myself a good talking to and am going to give myself a bit of a break from now on. I expect far too much of myself and have totally unrealistic short-term goals.

I also read the article that Dawnhc recommended (thank you!) and I cried the whole way through reading it! It totally summed up how I have been feeling these past few weeks and I am going to take a lot of its advice on board. The treatment of most illnesses makes you feel better - with cancer, more often than not, it makes you feel worse. I think I expected to bounce back straight away. Now I know that I have to take it easy and recover emotionally before I can recover physically. Thank you for your support.

I’m sorry that you have started this journey too and I am sending all my love and best wishes for the road ahead. When do you start your chemo? Maybe I can return the favour and offer support if you find you need it at any time.

Much love
Jo x

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Hi Jo - thank you for your support too!
I’ve got chemo clinic first time neaxt wed - they will go over the TAC trails with me , let me think about it for a week then see me again - expecting my chemo to start middle/end June - I need it to fit in with my booked holiday if poss, although I do know it may all go t**s up as far as that is concerned!!

Hope you have a really good and relaxing w/e - I plan to - now that I have (temporarily) taken work out of my life equation i am managing much better with house and family than I ever have!!

Big love, td xxx

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keep the faith tigerjo. It’s like living on a hamster wheel, sometimes up sometimes down, I’ve learnt how to cope more effectively with this after 2.5yrs and it gets easier,

big love.

lyn x x

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Hi TJ
Just wanted to say i’m thinking of you! Read ur post and didn’t want to run without posting back. I also have 2 babies 3yrs and 11 months and am 25. Had a mastectomy on 2nd April… Firstly the shock of being dx at such a young age (if any) if very hard to deal with, and going through treatment whilst trying to be as ‘normal’ as possible is very very hard…I’ve only just had chemo no1 and feeling terrible whilst looking after the babies so well done you for getting through it!! I can imagine that this whole journey has been so hard for you to deal with, and you’ve done it-you should be very proud of yourself. It’s been a long journey and you have probably built up lots of emotions that now need to come out. Explain to your family that you still need their help and enjoy them being around-i know my family don’t like to come round unless asked as they think i don’t like it! Not true though…
Probably going on a bit now!!
Lots Of Hugs
Lauren.x.

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Hi
Some of you may find a couple of Breast Cancer Care younger women publications of interest, the first is ‘Younger women with breast cancer’, this can be read via the following link:

breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/bcc_yw06_web2_0.pdf

The second is the ‘Our services for younger women’ publication, this gives information of our services which are tailored for younger women:

breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/services_for_younger_women_1.pdf

These can be downloaded direct from the website or by calling the helpline on 0808 800 6000, I hope these are helpful.

Best wishes
Lucy

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Hi Lauren

Just when you think that you are the only 20-something going through this you find someone else! I’m so sorry that you have had to join this exclusive club. I’m feeling a lot better now and am trying to concentrate on the good things I have in life - there are plenty of them and I need to remind myself of this during the dark days.
I hope you are feeling a little better after having your first Chemo. The first one was a bit of a shock for me. I thought I would be one of the lucky ones that would sail through it. It does get a lot more manageable as time goes on and you learn which anti-sickness drugs work best for you. What treatment plan have you been given?
Your children are almost exactly the same age as mine were when I started the treatment. How are you finding things as far as childcare is concerned? Although it was exhausting most of the time I did find that I made myself carry on as ‘normal’ for the sake of my boys. My breast care nurse told me to take it easy and try to do one thing each day, like make a bed, hoover or cook tea. Ha ha!
I really hope that your treatment goes well for you.
Thanks for your support
Jo x

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Thanks Jo…1st chemo was a little strange, took a week to feel ‘me’ again…But didn’t help myself thinking i was superwoman…going food shopping after chemo and attempting to carry on as normal!! Didn’t happen really…
This time i’m going to try and accept that i can’t do everything and do need help!
We have sooo many good things in our lives to be grateful for, that’s what i concentrate on and just looking at my kids makes me more determined to beat this and be well again.
Glad you’re a little happier.x.x.

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Hi everyone,
I hope you don’t mind me jumping on this thread. I am 27, was 26 when DX. well fininsed treatment in NOv 2007, WLE, followed by 6 FEC and then Rads. I lost all my hair and now have about 2 inches woo hoo!..great… but i feel down some days and keep thinking about how things were before BC etc. I feel angry and annoyed and want my family and friends to see how tough things have been. i fed up of being fed up and want to feel the contentment in life again, it is there but it happens in it’s own time i guess. just have to get through each day. even 6 months after treatment I still think about what happened everyday and will i be able to go through each day and not be emotional? feel have lost confidence in a lot of ways too, but keep pushing myself to do small things that will build it up.

TJ, and everyone else i think that no matter what we feel weather we are crying or smiling, no one can really understand how you feel until it has happened to you and this makes us special people, it really does, so we should stop giving ourselves such a hard time and be allowed to work through these feelings. That is why this site is so good cos we can all moan and understand where each other is coming from.

big love and hugs to everyone out there.

Nadia xxxxx

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Lovely to hear from you Nadia…
I can’t wait for this to be over, i don’t want to it to take over my life anymore than it should. And as soon as treatment is over i’ll be starting fresh and this will be a distant memory in my head!
I just want to be back to normal for myself and my young family, it’s not fair on my babies me being poorly :frowning:
How are you now? Back to work?Lauren
xxx

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I have afeeling of deja vu! I feel exactly like you Tigerjo - except that I don’t have children. I was dx last June (age 34), had been married for 2 yrs and just thinking about having a baby when wham bam cancer hits you. Like you, everybody commented on how strong I was thro chemo (which I had first, then op, then rads). I alwasy put on a brave face, smiled and joked, in some ways, I almost found the treatment part the easiest (don’t get me wrong, I had plenty of side effects!!) but I am now struggling as I am “on my own”. This isn’t helped as I am triple neg so have no further drugs but I finished rads in mid-Feb and am still really struggling with the tiredness. At present I seem to be going to work and then trying to catch up with myself the rest of the time. I only work 3 days but have to drive an hour each way to get there, I also work for my sister’s company which is great in someways as they continued to pay me thro treatment but I feel pressurised into continuing to work - which I did on & off all along. But she just says “hey, think work is good as it keeps a sense of normality”

Don’t know about the rest of you, but I keep thinking about last year when I promised myself life would change - I would spend more time on myself / husband, not work so hard etc and I seem to be getting back into the same old hamster wheel, as you say, not helped by everyone else telling you to “get back to normal”. I did feel better immediately after but I am now almost 4 months past treatment and still so tired. Everyday I think about aches and pains, especially thro my boob and think “is it growing again?” and then thinking that if this hadn’t happened, I would have a baby by now…

Sorry just re-read this and it all sounds a bit depressive but all I wanted to say is - no you are not the only one, I don’t know about you but I find it quite hard also as there is nobody nearby that is in the same boat, the only ones I have sopken to are either older or 5 years down the line.

Anyway, hope I haven’t depressed you anymore, I am quite positive just having a bad patch (don’t think weather helps!!)

lol

M

ps Hair - Everyone tells you what to do with it when it falls out, but no-one tells you what the B**** h*** to do with it when it grows back!! At least when I was balding, strangers guessed what was wrong with me - now they just think I have a bad hairdresser, I currently look like I have stuck my finger in an electric socket as it only seems to grow upwards or outwards, I am taking shares in gel companies, which is fine when it doesn’t rain!

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Hi Catflap

Like you I promised myself that my life would change but as you say we get back on the hamster wheel and carry on doing everything for everybody. I am finding it hard to change but really want to.

But I had to smile at your comments about your hair and now they just think we have a bad hairdresser. I feel exactly like that. Mine is like a rug and looking for a gel to spike it but it doesn’t work !!

Much love to everybody.

Liz xx

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Hi all

New on here just had a giggle about the hair.I am 3 yrs down the line and still get up in the morn and wonder what to do.GHD’S help.Under all the negative thoughts i can sense a sense of humour,keep that up and you will get through it.

lopez

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Hi to you all

I read all your posts and still can’t believe there are young women out there that feel the same way as me! It is very reassuring to know that I’m not completely losing the plot! I finished chemo in March and Rads in the middle of April. My hair is coming back really quickly and is about 3cm all over - but it has come back really grey. I look like my Granny! I’m also smothering it in any taming gel that I can get my hands on.

I had my post-rads check up on Tuesday and have been told to come back in three months for a mammogram. It was awful going back into the hospital again but I am pleased that I have three months without prodding and poking. Maybe if I am away from it all for a while I might be able to get my head straight and start focusing on something else other than feeling tired and let down by life. I am slowly turning into the miserable moo that everyone avoids!

I was also told yesterday that there are no support groups in my area for younger women - Sheffield is the closest, which is over an hour away. Have any of you been offered any post-treatment councilling/support? I feel a little let down by the pros but would love to meet others in the same boat as me.
Jo x

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Hi all

I thought you may be interested to know that Breast Cancer Care runs Telephone Support Groups for Younger Women with breast cancer.

These groups meet for an hour a week for 8 weeks over the phone. Up to 8 women take part in these free, confidential groups and they are facilitated by a therapist and a nurse.

If you feel you would like to talk to other young women with breast cancer please either call the helpline on 0808 800 6000 or e-mail <script type=“text/javascript”>eval(unescape(‘%64%6f%63%75%6d%65%6e%74%2e%77%72%69%74%65%28%27%3c%61%20%68%72%65%66%3d%22%6d%61%69%6c%74%6f%3a%74%65%6c%65%70%68%6f%6e%65%73%75%70%70%6f%72%74%67%72%6f%75%70%73%40%62%72%65%61%73%74%63%61%6e%63%65%72%63%61%72%65%2e%6f%72%67%2e%75%6b%22%3e%74%65%6c%65%70%68%6f%6e%65%73%75%70%70%6f%72%74%67%72%6f%75%70%73%40%62%72%65%61%73%74%63%61%6e%63%65%72%63%61%72%65%2e%6f%72%67%2e%75%6b%3c%2f%61%3e%27%29%3b’))</script>

I do hope you find this of interest.

Kind regards

Louise
Facilitator

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HI ALL

I AM 3 YRS DOWN THE LINE AND I STILL FEEL I WAS LET DOWN BY MY BC NURSE.THROUGH THE WHOLE THING I SAW HER 5 TIMES AND SPOKE TWICE ON THE PHONE.I HAVE A LOT OF FAMILY SUPPORT AND I THINK SHE THOUGHT I DID NOT NEED ANY FROM HER.I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE HAD A PHONE CALL TO SEE HOW I WAS GETTING ON BUT NOTHING.I WAS NEVER OFFERED ANY COUNCILING FOR ME OR ANY OF MY FAMILY,I HAD 2 SMALL BOYS AND THEY GET NO HELP FROM ANYWHERE.LUCKILY THEY ARE NOT SCARD IN ANY WAY.

LOPEZ