When treatment ends it feels as if we have been set adrift on a raft. The medical support we had during treatment is over and whoops… we’re on our own. That is why this site is so valuable because here we can reach out a cyber hand and there are are fellow BC patients there to support us in our dark days.
AlexG
Hi,
emotions still very up and down but not quite so sore today. Actually went out for a meal last night and really enjoyed escaping the 4 walls.
Had a call re counsellor yesterday and will be speaking to someone on Friday at 11am. It’s a phone consultation and not sure how it will work but will give it a go.
Thanks for all your good wishes and although it’s horrible it good to know it’s not just me.
K x
Have you read this?
cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResHarvey?OpenView&ExpandAll&Count=500
Ann x
Hi, also finished active treatment 2 weeks ago, had to stop halfway through chemo no.5 due to allergic reaction and that’s it. Have not heard since from either BCN or onc. Have found the link as posted by ann previously and it’s a very accurate account of how one feels after treatment. I think a difficult part is managing everyone elses expections, too. So many people have said to me now, thank god it’s all over and you can forget all about it now. How can I forget, everytime I look in the mirror there are plenty of reminders…
I am pretty pragmatic and think, ok, just get on with life, it’s up to me and hopefully BC has gone for good. Big challenge, hope my head goes along with it!!
Because we never know if it is coming back for another bite, it is impossible to get it out of our heads. Like PTSD, we cannot undo the experience.
However, it’s a bit like bereavement and time is a great healer. We do get accustomed to it (providing we stay healthy) and may well be able to put it to the back of our minds, eventually, rather than it being in our thoughts all the time. Here’s hoping!
Ann x
I remember a counsellor telling me to drop the words “should” and “ought” from my vocabulary. As she taught me, there’s no point telling anyone how to feel or what emotions to have … we just have them (our feelings and emotions that is). You know how it is when you’re told what you “should” feel and you try really hard to feel that way, but you end up feeling worse because you’ve tried to deny your emotions or feelings. Sorry, that’s rather rambling and incoherent, but I hope you understand :o)
I’ve just finished rads and have felt enormously fortunate throughout my short and easy journey (in comparison to the many I’ve read about here), so had no “need” to feel weepy. Nevertheless, on my way from the review appointment with my Oncologist to the final session, that’s exactly what I felt … suddenly and unexpectedly. The moment passed quickly, but then I over-reacted to some unkind words said to me a day later and was terribly weepy and emotional. It went on way too long to be a direct result of what actually happened, but its given me a great feeling of release after having had a good cry with a supportive friend.
I think we’re all relieved to be stepping off the treatment treadmill but, by doing so, there’s time to let our minds drift back to the unpleasant reality that we have BC and our fears for what the future might bring. Its hard to explain that fact to anyone else - they just say “don’t think about it”. That’s why this forum is so important - no-one here says anything that daft.
Take good care all
Debs x
Hi all
Reading through this thread, I recognise a lot of the feelings and thoughts as the same as mine. I was Dx last August, lumpectomy September, chemo for 6 months and 19 rads, finished early June. Now on Tamoxifen.
Should (sorry not allowed to use that word according to Debs!) be feeling great, treatment over and I feel I have been so lucky compared to a lot of other people. I actually managed fairly well during all the treatment and main effect was tiredness. Was even working some weeks in between treatments. Now back working as before but this is only part time 2.5 days a week and I am so glad as I do not think I could manage more. I just keep feeling tired and it is getting me down. I thought after treatment I would be back to normal but am starting to realise things will not be ‘normal’ again. So between the tiredness and feeling low I feel lost and do not know what to do. As many have said, lots of people think ‘great, all over’ but in reality your thoughts are all over the place and I don’t think even I realised how much it all took out of me. If I didn’t realise, how can others?
I want to carry on working but by the time I have done my 2.5 days a week on Wed lunchtime, Thursday and sometimes Friday I feel worn out. Not a good thing, particularly at the moment in school holidays. Also seem to have sore feet every morning and starting to get sore legs during the day. Have also put a bit of weight on in the last 6 months which I am not happy about. Never been really thin but also did not do diets. I know I need to motivate myself in lots of ways, losing weight, getting active, having interests etc. but finding it really difficult to do.
Sorry for ranting on but not sure where else to put down my thoughts. I saw a counsellor when first diagnosed but seemed to be managing so stopped after 2 or 3 sessions. Not sure whether to try that again. Part of the reason for the counsellor was other family issues and sometimes I wonder if I am still trying to come to terms with those as well. My father died February 2009, father in law had liver disease which was at its height in June 2009, his wife, my husband’s stepmother, had a stroke in July 2009 and then I was diagnosed in August 2009 - on my birthday. My FIL has since passed away in January this year and I feel I do not want to burden my husband too much with my ‘low’ thoughts as he still misses his Dad so much. He was the only son and they had a very strong bond.
I think I should stop typing now but thanks for reading. I think it helps just to pour my heart out in words. I need to adjust my life around my physical limits but it is not easy to change your way of doing things overnight. Have to keep smiling and trying, and I do most of the time if only for my children. Think I would be ‘lower’ more often if they weren’t around.
Hope everyone takes care.
Annie
Annie
You rant on as much as you want, you and everyone else on here have more then enough reason to.
I think sometimes we (women) are often guilty of trying to reassure everyone, the amount of times I’ve heard myself say to how are you? “oh much better, I’m fine” when in fact I’m actually feeling shattered is untrue. If you need to vent then thats what we are here for because we can often say on here what we can’t (or won’t) tell our friends and family.
I really feel for you with all the other issues you have had in your life as have had similar in that my partners grandson was born asleep and we have all had to cope with that loss.
If counselling helped last time then explore whether you could go again or maybe look at a support group in your area. Whatever you do don’t bottle it up, keep talking, there will always be someone on here to listen and send you love and best wishes
Alex
Ladies
you are all such a wonderful support. We are all going through our own personal hell but have to cope with everything else life throws at us.
Annie - feel for you as you have so much to contend with. I haven’t worked since my first op and now struggling financially but know I am not ready or able to work yet. Can understand how it must be a struggle for you and admire you doing it.
Thanks to everyone for their supportive comments. It means so much to me.
Take care
K x
I just got in from working at the weekend and then crying all the way home. I finished 25 sessions of radiotherapy two weeks ago and previously had a mastectomy in March and before that 8 x chemo. I thought I was doing OK but just keep crying now- every day.
It’s a relief to read I’m not the only one.
I have found myself thinking ‘what if’ the cancer comes back to the point now that I’m thinking ‘when the cancer comes back’. Which is crazy, I know.
I’ve been told over and over by people, gosh you’re so brave blah blah and I think I’ll scream the next time anyone says that to me. Inside I feel incredibly lonely, vulnerable and small.
I think maybe I’ve gone back to work too soon- but I was going mad at home.
At the moment I’m doing 3 days a week and go full time later in August. I’m wishing I wasn’t and don’t feel able to do much about it. What do you guys think?
Actually I think I know the answers to this - but it feels good to put my thoughts up here and know that anyone reading it will know what this feels like.
greenfingers,
think you have answered your own question. It doesn’t seem that you are ready for full time yet.I know I would not cope going back yet but am really struggling financially
I worry so much about the cancer coming back. Expect it is natural with everything we have been through and hopefully in time we can put it to the back of our minds.
It’s great when people tell us how good we look and that it’s all over now !!! Just want to scream at them and tell them to **** off as I feel awful and don’t think I will ever be the same person again.
Take care
K x
Hi K and greenfingers,
If anyone came on here and said they feel fine and are coping, and love it when people tell them how good they look, l would think they are mad!
We all feel the same, and that is why we use the forum so much, WE understand each other, our family and friends try so hard to understand, but they will never know what we are going through, of course unless they have been through it themselves.
I had my third chemo on Friday, and l know the next few days are going to be very tearful, and yes it started this afternoon, when my stupid OH asked me if l was alright! what sort of person asks that question, silly old fool! and then looked shocked horror, when l burst into tears.
Trying so hard to accept l am going to be like this for a long while yet, with so much ahead of me and you, the end of chemo, the end of radiotherapy, the waiting for results on scans, the constant worry about aches and pains, just the constant worry this b****y cancer will come back or spread.
we need time to come to terms with it all, and while we have the worry of whether it will come back, it will all take twice as long.
I had a lot of lymph nodes involved, so that for me is a big worry, but then l have a lady who lives near me who had 20 lymph nodes involved, and she is well and working, at that was over 10 years ago, so l look to her for support, and l hope you have found someone with similar bc to you that can give you support.
Its’s a very tough time ladies, but with the support of each other and good luck, we will get there
Love and Hugs
Sandra xxx
Hi Kay
Thanks - I know. When people say, you must be so glad it’s over I just feel a mixture of feelings. ONe part of me is annoyed because it feels like they are telling you to ‘be over it’ and another part of me knows it’s not that simple. And then again I also agree with them - yes it is good the treatment is over and no more hours waiting in hospital.
I feel as if I have lost a wall of protection from the demands of the world. Travelling into work, putting up with the noise of city life and the demands from other people all feel too much to me.
I know it’s to be expected - I wonder how long it will go on like that?
I did look up the cancer counselling website - it is good and puts into words some of the more confusing feelings I’m experiencing at the moment.
I think the best thing I’ve learnt so far is not to fight my sad feelings and let them wash through when they need to. I didn’t really cry during the treatment (except when I was too tired to cook for myself and felt so desperate). So it’s as if it is all coming out now.
I’ll follow the thread some more and let you know if I find some more useful discoveries!
Al the best
I hope I’m not butting in here…
I try and say when someone tells me how great I look,
‘Thank you, I’m just glad I don’t look how I feel inside!!!’
Even 6 months after mx I still feel heavy, weary, confused and frightened about how to live life after dx…
I do try and dress well and wear make-up and have my hair cut regularly but this is for my own recovery and sense of well being.
It is not necessarily an indicator of how I feel about cancer dx.
People forget so quickly don’t they?
If only they’d ask us how we feel and wait for the true answer…
Sandra, I’m sorry you’re feeling so emotional. I’m not surprised but hope you can take your time to recognise how you really feel.
Don’t rush to meet other people’s expectations.
Kay, how’s it going?
Greenfingers,I think you have the right idea to let your feelings flow…but it’s not easy is it?
Take care to everyone on this thread.
Be true to yourself.
Welsh girl x
Hi all
I posted on here a few weeks ago, having a bit of a rant feeling tired all the time and a bit lost.
I wanted to come back on to say that I have felt a lot better in the last few weeks, not as tired and feeling a lot more positive. Not sure if it will continue but definitely feeling much brighter. Thought it may give someone some hope that the feelings may pass. It may be because I have had a couple of short breaks away and I the children are off school at the moment, although thought I would be more tired with them at home!! Anyway I am looking forward with a bit more energy now, although still remembering to look after myself and not rush too much.
Got follow up appt at hospital on Monday - still have some tenderness around my breast, sore legs and feet so will give the doctor all my woes and see what happens.
Hope everyone OK.
Annie - I am so glad you are feeling a bit better about things. I think we all have our ups and downs and presume that the downs become fewer as time passes. I am one year on from my dx and finished my rads in January. Sorry to sound corny but time is a great healer.
Debs - I identified with what you said about when you saw the oncologist. When I had my follow-up appt after rads, I got emotional and the female oncologist seemed surprised, presumably because I had not been like that during treatment. I felt so low for some weeks afterwards. She thought I needed to see the BCN for ‘a chat’. Gradually, I started to feel better, especially when Spring arrived and I got out in the garden.
It seems amazing that we all feel exactly the same but that no-one who hasn’t experienced this realises it. It is like a closely guarded secret. Thank goodness for this site.
Ann x