Hi everyone!
Here just to get my thoughts down on screen really. I’ve recently finished my neo-adjuvent chemotherapy. I’ve been diagnosed with primary triple positive breast cancer so chemo first, then surgery etc.
I had 3 lumps in my left breast and 1 node involved.
This morning having now finished chemo, I had my follow up with breast surgeon to plan for surgery. I’m now 4 weeks post chemo so my understanding is that this will be imminent.
I’ve also recently had MRI and ultrasound done. The consensus the whole way through is that I’m responding well to treatment which is amazing and makes the whole ordeal worth it!
But today I feel absolutely overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do with myself.
The consultant was running late, which is fine - I don’t mind waiting really, I just immerse myself in rubbish tiktok videos - I totally understand they have other things going on…but my appt was at 9am so I was surprised it was 40 minutes behind 
My issue really is that the conversation we had midway through chemo seemed to be turned entirely on its head. We discussed surgical plans previously and the consultant suggested
a breast conserving mammoplasty…with a small lymph node removal - i.e. the one involved node and a few surrounding… rather than a full clearance.
Today it was like he had entirely forgotten this conversation, I know these doctors have an incredible workload, but basically there was no available radiologist today and the consultant basically said that he needed to talk to radiologist to confirm what was appropriate surgically. He said this was likely still the best option but based on the amount of node/lump involvement (which he would know if he had read my notes) it might be that a mastectomy/full clearance is required. I feel like based on my actual situation he offered mammoplasty etc…but today it was like he knew nothing about me and was flailing a bit as if he’d never met me before??
So I have to go back in a week - whereby he will have spoken to a radiologist and can confirm exactly what will be happening. By which point I’ll have about a week to process it all before it actually happens.
Secondly to all of this - I asked what my MRI had shown. He commented that I’d had a good response to chemotherapy (obviously can’t say full response until pathology comes back) but he was happy…but then he said they’d noted a tiny ‘something’ in my other breast!!!
He back tracked quickly and told me not to be worried, that I’d just had chemotherapy and he said that MRI often picks up lots of things - normal tissue blah blah blah…and that he wasn’t worried… but how can I NOT be worried??? He didn’t march me off for biopsy, which obviously in my initial appt he did…so I suppose I need to trust that he knows what he’s doing and genuinely trust that he isn’t concerned by it…but it has rocked me! If I’m rational about it (and now having spent an hour on google) looking MRI scans up - it does confirm that MRI can highlight perfectly normal tissue…and that actually after chemotherapy I’m so unlikely to have anything manifesting itself there but I am SPIRALLING with anxiety.
I expected to go in and come out with a plan, instead I came out not knowing anything and with a whole extra layer of additional worry to contend with.
Why is this whole journey such a wreck. I was so ready to cross off chemo and attack the next step but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.
Sorry for the rant, I just don’t know how to feel…
