Long post. Apologies.
I’m recently diagnosed with grade 1 (1.9cm) ER+ PR+ and HER-. I have no idea what that means and this is my first post. I am on holiday in Turkey just now and travelling back earlier than planned for my pre-op on Friday and my surgery (lumpectomy + sentinel node something or other) is on 4th July with a post operative appointment booked for 17th July.
I feel very lucky that this seems to be detected early and thank goodness for the screening programme. I’m 54.
I got my diagnosis the day before my holiday (I have an holiday home in Turkey and a lot of ex-pat friends here). I have told a lot of people - to try and get used to saying it out loud. All the important people (my mother etc.) got told by my husband (who isn’t here with me, because of work), because I didn’t feel able to deal with their emotions.
Of the people I’ve told, I’ve found that some people had little response and not really spoken to me since.
Thankfully I’ve also found that people I didn’t know that well before are really lovely and supportive and I’m very grateful for these new friends. I understand that everyone likely has direct or indirect experience of cancer and not all of it is positive but tonight before I travel back for treatment, some of my regular ex-pat friends didn’t even say hello.
I know these ladies (sisters) lost both their parents to cancer quite a long time ago. I also know that it’s hard to find the right (positive) things to say when you have had a bad experience, but we didn’t need to talk about ‘cancer’.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? How does the relationship move on?
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I’ve been stunned by who has been brilliant and who hasn’t been throughout the process. I’m 5 months down the line from you through surgery and about to finish chemo and there are very few people still standing who have remained thoroughly supportive. 1 of them I would have predicted and the other 3 I wouldn’t have. There are a few others who have been sporadically supportive but the lions share were very excitable at the beginning and then disappeared. My gut feeling told me that a lot were in it for ‘coffee morning fodder’ and I suspect I was right.
Some people will chronically disappoint you, some for valid reasons and some without valid reasons. If you’re having chemo, you reach a strangely satisfying level of exhaustion that means that you won’t care so much. But you’ll be genuinely grateful for those that step up. They’re priceless! X
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I had my diagnosis a year ago and 2 people who I considered very good friends have virtually ignored me. It hurt at the time but I accept that I am changed, cancer will do that lol , and, maybe I am no longer the fun pal anymore. Maybe they feel awkward. Another friend has been really supportive. I guess I try not to take it to heart too much though I have had a year to get used to people’s reactions.
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Hi Stormtruth,
I’m sorry that you had this reaction from your holiday friends. It’s completely understandable that you want to share your awful news. I found my diagnosis really traumatic and needed to talk about it with other people around me. Women, who you hope would understand and know how to communicate. Apparently not.
You’re definitely not the only one that’s experienced the reaction you described, I was staggered by the strange behaviour of some friends and family members. I felt really hurt. Thankfully some mates stepped up. Some were super-lovely and helpful (a book group lady had been through it and we met for coffee and talked about her journey and I able to share my fears with her).
One close friend was amazing and allowed me to voice all the crap that was in my head and listened and commiserated.
One friend who wanted to cheer me up and told a lot of funny, entertaining stories, and gave me a little bit of space to talk.
Then there were those that changed the subject quickly.
Some that wanted to tell you about their cousin’s, neighbour’s aunt, who are alive and well ten years on from their cancer diagnosis (they mean well, but why do they do that?).
Then there’s the ones that use “warrior speak” and tell you to “stay positive”, “don’t worry, you’ll be ok, just keep your chin up” and “stay strong”. That was really unhelpful.
Ghosting - I had one of those.
One horrible sibling who said nasty, insensitive things - I won’t say anything more, but she was shocking.
Another sibling that took five days to phone…
I think it comes down to emotional intelligence with some people, and maybe they don’t understand that you want to talk, and they don’t know what to say. Sometimes someone just asking how you are feeling, is enough. How do you move on with those relationships? You might find that some of the ladies ask you how you’re doing when you see them next. I hope so. I suspect that at least one of them at least feels bad about avoiding you and will try a little better at being a friend next time.
I hope everything goes well with your surgery and treatment.
All the best
Ax
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Hi stormtruth
I had a similar experience when I told people about my diagnosis. I realised it was more to do with their own emotional literacy and life experiences than me. Some people who I wasn’t close to before really stepped up so deeper friendships have come with people I wouldn’t have predicted whereas other friendships I have let dwindle away where I have been totally blanked. Other friends have dipped in and out a bit and I am okay with that too, I just see those friends as a bit more superficial.
Good luck with all of your treatments, and so good it’s been caught early!
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@stormtruth …ouch it hurts doesn’t it when friends don’t act like you’d expect them to. Like the others have said, it really does come down to that emotional intelligence … so many people don’t seem to understand or want to understand real feelings!!! I too have been surprised and really hurt by good friends who have completely and utterly ignored me as soon as I said I needed chemo. I’m also a bit miffed about friends who say ‘let me know if you need anything’ then you never hear from them again. But … I have taken comfort in the friends, some that I would have said were more aquaintances really, that have really stepped up. Those that just let you know that they really are there and go out of their way to support.
Personally I think those people that ignore you or just wait til for you to ‘tell them’ (!!!) how to feel/behave really aren’t worth your energy. BC does make you think deeply about your future and how you want to spend it. I personally won’t be spending it with people who weren’t there for me. Why should they get to join me in my ‘new and improved life’ when they weren’t there in the bad times?
To quote Oprah W… ‘there are plenty of people that want to ride in the limo with you but real friends are the ones who take the bus with you when the limo breaks down’!!! I will cherish those true friends/family who took the bus with me!!!
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