I am heart broke to hear these struggles, and I don’t know if anything I say can be of comfort or guidance but I try. Today I just want to share my appreciation to you all.
I am the “black sheep” of my family. Adopted and unaccepted by the siblings and adopted mother, it was my adopted father who really made the choice for adoption. So, after decades of abuse and neglect I can tell you I want nothing more than to have a family rally around me in support in this journey. But I disowned them 10 years back for my own sanity,my two brothers were the only ones to reach out and work on building something but no one else did. After diagnosis I was numbed, very angry. Why after years of suffering does this too get dumped on me? What did I do to deserve this? And all those questions.
I did most of this on my own, I have a daughter who is wonderful but I dont want to unload my burdens on her, or anyone, and if I pull away maybe when I’m gone it won’t be so hard on her. It’s flawed thinking but it’s what it is, I don’t want to hurt anyone. Sometimes I feel like a cat who is dying, they will typically isolate themselves, that’s kinda how I feel especially since I never had anyone before.
Then came that breaking point I think we all have where everything is all so overwhelming and heavy on our shoulders, I reached out to a brother who is partially friendly… somewhat… and let him know all that was happening. He decided to rally the other 6 siblings (sisters the other brother has died) to support me and what I got was a text from a sister who said, “You better appreciate whatever support you get” another messaged me saying “Seems like people get what they deserve” and the rest were silent, nothing at all.
So being reminded why I stay away from them I went searching for a new family to help me stay sane in all this and came upon this site.
Wow! It is so great to be able to read other people going through the same things, different perspectives, not always agree for sure with what some say but I appreciate that they are sharing.
This place has fast become my family. You don’t know me, but I feel supported being here. I thank you all for your kind words, encouragement, and for sharing your journey.
I think we all find our true friends, and people who really care after being diagnosed with a serious illness, lots seem to be around at first. However this can be short lived.
We are all here for you with love and support. Take good of yourself as I always say on day at a time, a maybe meet up with a friend for a coffee, and a good chat, maybe even your daughter.
Some people can’t cope with illness particularly cancer. Maybe we are programmed differently to run away from people who might infect us with something who knows? Cancer is as old as time but maybe so is fear of disease.
I like having a forum where we all have something in common and no one is a better than anyone else. Plus we can take advice or leave it.
I just want somewhere to go day or night where I can say how I feel without judgement.
I think you could be right. I guess there’s a lot of fear too - I mean in my circle of friends I sense that there is. It’s not like cancer is the “norm” in ones 30’s as one friend said to me.
It shouldn’t be the f**king norm at all for anyone imo. I sometimes feel embarrassed of myself these days.
Hey @sbee please don’t be so hard on yourself It’s not a situation you could ever have imagined to be in. I have a very strained relationship with my family and even more so since being diagnosed. I don’t tend to speak to them much anymore and I have relied on this forum whenever I need a “cancer outlet”, so I’m glad that you have found support here too!
Agreed sbee,
Its like people either think I’m contagious,or don’t want to keep hearing or seeing my treatment etc., but what I think it is, is after we go through trauma like cancer treatment and any other of life great challenges we level up, we leap to a whole new world, like we walked through a door that those others don’t.
I’ve always thought of the lonely times as the moment before we discover a new world. Like when our world starts at England and we board a boat, small one, like a raft. And we go on that lonely journey of crossing the ocean before finally arriving at North America - a new world full of new discoveries.
I don’t know, it’s just how I visualize these times so it helps me remember there is more after, if I keep working at my goals I reach a new world. It seems to be the pattern I see.
Places like this site really helps too.
Sometimes I really miss the physically being around people so I go to the movies and sit by people. Heehee
Agreed Seagulls
I am glad we aren’t censored here and can be real here. And you said it best yeah know, take whatever advice you want and leave the rest, no problem.
I’m so sorry to read your post and your family’s reaction to your diagnosis and treatment
Sadly my mum’s reaction and support of me during my treatment was not what I would have hoped for, and subsequently she has said things which about cancer which I’ve found quite shocking: I honestly think I’m the only person she’s known go through treatment for cancer.
Thankfully I have a truly wonderful husband and daughter who were there for me through out my treatment
One thing I know for sure is that this forum is a truly lovely and supportive place as are all the people I have met as a result of my diagnosis especially those who’ve also experienced it
Oh goodness, sending you a big hug and to let you know, you are not alone. I also haven’t had much support from my only real family, my Dad, I phoned him this week on his birthday and in an hour’s call, he never asked once how I was, didn’t even mention anything about me, I should be used to it and try not to be disappointed, but it’s hard not to be sometimes.
So today I had to go back to the hospital for an OP appointment, the first time back since being discharged in March. I was so relieved to be back amongst people that feel like my tribe I practically ran through the entrance, being alone at home can be very hard. I hadn’t expected that and it’s all part of trying to negotiate a new normal. Sending love and hugs to you all xx
Oh sweetheart i know what you mean sometimes people we need to understand us or help us just turn yo strangers. My mother totally disowned me when i got the cancer telling everyone i was lying and seeking attention all because i could not drive 160 miles every week to take care of her when in fact my brother lived 5 miles away. This distressed me more than the cancer. I could not believe a mother could be so evil as attention might be taken away from her. She’s dead now but what she did unfortunately lives with me. I am fortunate to have good friends and a wonderful son and few cousins xxxxx All the best to you Yasmeink, you are not on your own darling xxxx
It’s heartwarming to read that so many of the contributors to this forum are in the same position regarding lack of support from family. I thought I was pretty much alone in this, but reading that so many of you feel the same way is comforting to know. I’ve had some amazing messages of support from friends and colleagues but, as for my own family, I might as well have just had a tooth out rather than a lumpectomy and radiotherapy to say nothing about all the emotions that go with it! I hear about all their aches and pains but nobody has really bothered to ask how I am or how I’m feeling. As someone said to me recently “you can choose your friends but not your family ”. This is such a wonderful forum and I wish everyone lots of love and all the best for a good recovery from whatever treatment you’re going through.
Thank you so much @angie007 this means so much to me sorry to hear your own experience! Sometimes there are just no excuses for what our mums have put us through even with her gone I understand what you mean about it staying with you.
@pmeg14 I absolutely relate! Now I’m past treatments it’s all swept under the rug, I haven’t even been able to tell family that I quit my job because I’m struggling with everything- I just know the reaction I will get and it’s not worth my sanity! I think there’s an element of fear, that they’re relieved it didn’t happen to them and if they can pretend we’re fine then they don’t feel as bad.
I feel for you @Yasmeink and am sorry you’re still struggling. At least we have this fantastic forum on which to vent our spleens! I can’t understand my family’s attitude or lack of interest towards what has probably been the biggest event in my life, especially as three of them are doctors! Though I’ve heard it said that doctors are the worst when it comes to treating or showing empathy towards their own family!
It’s not a situation you could ever have imagined to be in. I have a very strained relationship with my family and even more so since being diagnosed. I don’t tend to speak to them much anymore and I have relied on this forum whenever I need a “cancer outlet”, so I’m glad that you have found support here too!
”. This is such a wonderful forum and I wish everyone lots of love and all the best for a good recovery from whatever treatment you’re going through.
even with her gone I understand what you mean about it staying with you.