Sometimes feeling scared and anxious

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Debs,  What an aweful day, so sending  lots of Huggles and a virtual bunch of flowers. I have been having problems with my loacal GP and my husband has put in a complaint, and I am the same as you I no longer have any confidence with them, its ok if I can speak with the doctor but the nurses and reception… I just don’t want to set foot in there , so can understand how you are feeling tonight.  At least you told us how you are feeling and you know that we   all understand and  will all be thinking of you. 

Huggles Jen xx

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Morning ladies

Firstly can I say a huge thank you to you all for your support last night. I was left in a very low place by that awful woman’s attitude. My poor sister in law came over with her little one to do some trick or treating, and found me in a terrible state. My husband came in shortly after and is still insisting that I make a complaint. I must admit whereas last night I was very upset, this morning I have woken up quite angry at her. How dare she make me feel like that. She acted as though I am forever ringing him to request tests. I am going to start writing my letter today whilst I can use that anger productively.

Naz, yes you’re right I am two years since dx this December. My treatment (herceptin) finished in Jan this year. The horrible woman said my scan will take approx to weeks to come through and could be another two weeks after that. She mentioned how expensive they are - I pointed out that I had originally called about paying for it myself. She had no answer to that. The more I think of not only what she said, but the condescending tone she used, the angrier I get.

Tracy - back pain is what is causing me worry too at the moment so I understand your fears. I am eating painkillers like sweeties. so I will send you lots of best wishes and huggles for a good result. Wishing you a lovely time in Kent. I hope it can take your mind off your worries for a while at least.

Carol - I am so sorry to hear of the friends you have lost to this awful disease. I lost a friend this time last year and she had been such a support to myself and others. She never told us she was terminal, so her death was a shock. Her death made me feel sad but also guilty - she has children the same age as mine and they were all I could think about for ages.

With regard to the arm pain, I had something similar about four weeks ago. My arm felt tight, heavy, bruised and “not right”. It was my left arm, so nothing to do with mx. I left it about 10 days and went to see my gp - he said it was stress related. He examined me, we had a chat and I went away, almost immediately the arm felt back to normal. I couldn’t believe it! I have since had a chat with a friend who is an alternative health practitioner and she said that the brain is an enormously powerful organ that has the ability to make us ill (or words to that effect, but I understood what she meant). This past week or so, with my back getting worse and all those terrible thoughts going round my head, I noticed the arm problem was returning. I am taking my friends advice and am going to learn now to meditate, as I think I sometimes need a way of escaping my own brain - if you see what I mean. I was just wondering if your shingles could have anything to do with the pain in your arm/shoulder? Shingles is nerve related I think, maybe it’s made that area more sensitive for you? Just a thought xx

Thanks again for letting me vent on here last night. Your messages really helped me. Take care - love & huggles

Debs xx

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Hello Everyone, Hope you are all tucked up inside, it is horrible here, even the housework seems good to do. Trying to get on top of it and the washing before enforced ban… So sorry to read how some of you are feeling, can truly sympathise with you. Well for me I think I am trying to forget yesterday and not think about Monday. So went and did some retail therapy for myself and my daughter this morning, she is 7 months pregnant, and feeling uncomfortable so treated her to lovely fluffy jumper in mixed shades of pinks and still only size 12 !!

I had a lousy day yesterday, went to the hospitl for 1yr mammogram and MRI.there for nearly 6 hours and&  had an hour half of panic, as they checked and then re did everthing and   asked me to wait so everything could be looked at by thr Radiologist, and then she wanted me in for more scans. but all ok in the end, but will speak with consultant on Monday. It felt like a complete rerun of last year. Needless to say I had a few drinks last night, OH and self , we went to our local- live music and excellent atmosphere. so that took my mind or it. Think I will feel happier when I have spoken with consultant, and had this next op.  Will catch up sometime next week, meanwhile, take care all of you. Lots of warm Huggles. Jenny.

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Evening everyone.

Firstly can I say a huge thank you to you all for your support.
Since coming on this forum, & putting pen to paper so to speak, I have spent time reading through all the threads, or most of them.
I have now realized that I am not alone with my feelings, & worries. 
At first I thought I was getting that S A D with the winter coming on, & couldn’t shake it off. Just felt down all the time, didn’t want to do any thing , my get up & go had got up & gone.
I now reolise it must be because that time has come again for the visit to the hospital, & although I have always thought I was strong, I can’t stop myself, from worrying, & dreaming horrible thoughts at night.
I also worry that its a stranger I see, My breast nurses know me so well, you see I have a mega needle phoebe. They know how I work.
Every little pain, I have been on the computer looking it up.
But after reading all your stories I reolise its just part of the course & nothing I can do.
It does help to talk to others. But since losing my one friend that was going through the same as me,
We knew how to cheer each other up. I felt alone. 
Can’t talk to husband or friends.
Didn’t want to bother breast nurses, thought they had enough to do than worry about me…
I still remember that feeling when I had finished the chemo & rads, I felt very alone .
I had my op nov 2009, treatment through 2010, had C B T 2011 for needle phobia, it had got worse with the chemo, was suppose to be for 6 weeks, but I was with them nearly a year, I was suffering from depression.  Had about 3 panic attacks, didn’t know at the time what was happening.

Reading your posts,I feel for you all.& I send you all good vibs & huggs.  I also sit & wonder how the children cope that have gone through cancer, what help is there for them?
I’m rambling, I’m sorry.

Its getting late, & brain is going into over load.

 

I’m going to say Good night,

Thank you to all of you.

God bless you all & may tomorrow be a good day for us all.xx

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Evening ladies,

 

Sorry, I haven’t logged on for a couple of days, I think I’ve entered that black hole some of you talk about.  I have always hated this time of year, its my least favourite.  I have often said that I should have been born in Australia - where the sun always shines!  As the days get darker, my mood gets lower.  It really doesn’t help matters that I was diagnosed at this time of year either.  A few years ago my husband bought me an alarm clock that mimics sunrise and sunset, it does help a little but not as much as it used to.

 

Well, I don’t know what that awful Oncs secretary was talking about with her “you will have to wait approx four weeks” rant last Thursday, because at 10.00am Friday morning I received a phone call from the nuclear medicine department asking me to come for an Isotope scan today - Tuesday!  The woman must have thought I was slightly deranged because I mumbled, uhmed and ahhed as what she was telling me sank in.  I told her what the sec had said and her reply was “well, we make our own appointments in this department and we don’t like to keep patients waiting for these sort of tests” - lovely lady - what a difference in attitudes.

 

So, the test was today and I should get the results in a week.  Last night I had a bit of a breakdown and I have told my husband what has been troubling me for some time now.  I haven’t only had back pain, I have also felt nauseous for a few months now, a bit like morning sickness where the only thing that makes it go away is to eat something.  It goes for a while but is soon back.  Twice now I have been chatting away to someone, feeling perfectly fine, then suddenly I know I am going to be sick.  At first I thought I might be pregnant (my coil did a disappearing trick last December and I hadnt got round to having a new one put in) but it wasn’t that.  Also, I have had a persistent, though not annoying, dry cough for just over a year.  I am constantly tired and could quite easily sleep the day away at times and still sleep at night.  Lastly, I just don’t feel “right”.  Can’t put my finger on it, the glands under my unaffected arm are tender and the affected arm also feels worse than normal.  My husband thinks this could all be put down to stress and depression and keeps urging me to see someone - but who do you see?  I arranged counselling for my daughter when I was first diagnosed but the woman didnt help her at all, in fact at the last two sessions, she asked Hannah to wait outside whilst she spoke to me about my childhood!!  I stopped going after that as it wasn’t helping at all.

 

Sorry, have just realised I am waffling again, but it really does help to put it all down in writing - feels like I am exorcising my demons by getting my worries out there, if you get my drift.

 

Naz, I meant to ask you if your driving fears have eased at all?  I was like this when I first learned to drive (I left it quite late to learn, I was late 20s).  I used to have to go to the loo about 3-4 times before I could actually get in the car.  In the end I read a book about coping strategies and it helped.  I used to think about something boring and mundane - like cooking a Sunday roast ie. peel the spuds, cut and quarter them, peel the carrots etc - it really helped me conquer my fears of driving.  

 

Anyway everyone, hope you are all enjoying the fireworks - my poor puppy is hiding under my legs!!

 

Will “speak” to you soon, meanwhile - take care and love & huggles to you all

 

Debs x

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Hello Ladies,  Yes I am home, and so far so good. op went well and I was allowed home once they had taken the drain out.  that was my only problem, it wouldn’t  pull out had to be twisted and think it was caught on a stitch so IT HURT. and I did something that I have not done for very long time- passed out on them. I did feel sorry as they had a student nurse doing it, which I didn’t mind, , all the staff on the ward were lovely and the other patients, 2 in for hips and 2 more like me,  we had quite a good laugh over breakfast etc,  which helped a lot, think I missed that side of things last time as I was in a side room for a week, nice and quiet but almost a bit lonely.  I am sore, but  not as bad as last time, got to work out how I can have a shower and do hair. may have to get OH to help. The consultant spoke with me after op and yesterday morning and sounds as if my next op may be sooner than i thought so that cheered me up, I have hated how my right side looks ever since the left op last year it just looks so ugly and large.I keep telling myself that when the two match i will feel better about it all. 

Anyway thank you for your messages, and hope you have all had a good day, thinking of you all.and sending warm Huggles  Jen xx

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Hi Everyone,  Carol I can just picture you all in the ward, there is always one spoil sport. Well one of the hip ladies was into her 80’s a great gran and not a size 10… with wicked sense of humour,  not sure exactly what happened as screens were around, but heard lots of noise and then the staff saying we are going to put you on the floor.oops . we will get the hoist… then 2 young(well younger than us) male ortho.doctors came to the rescue, they just happened to be on the ward and they scooped her up. well she said that they had made her day much better than the hoist. think it made ours as well.  only trouble was it hurts to laugh 

I realise that i’m in the group where people walked in front of cars-well nearly as i have granchildren similar ages to your children  we have boy six in Oct, boy who will be 8 in jan and the little girl (stil in size 6-7yrs clothes) who is 10 next weds. I wouldn’t be with out them, they always put a smile on my face.  The youngest got 0 out of 6 on his spellings a few weeks ago. well done said his mum, you’re the first in the house to do that. his reply, do I get a reward for that…

 

Carol you sound cheerful, and have certainly made me smile. the extra sleep helps, i have been like that for about 5 years, its hard coping on 3 hours, so I have just had a long siesta today. 

 

Naz  so sorry about your driving, just take it day by day, next time when you get into car and are anxious just remind yourself that you did it the day before ok and the one before that . take a few deep breaths long and slow   ,maybe put your favourite cd on.

 

Debbie  so sorry about your daughters fall, i know how upset my g.daughter would be. she hurt her ankle when she was 5 and was on crutches, still gets a bit of a problem with it, but it didn’t stop her playing in a cricket tounrament and representing her school.they came second in this area.

 

Tracy & Kirstie, I hope you are both well.

 

You have mentioned meditation, not tried that but have gone to yoga, and I find it fantastic i am lucky that there is a lady who runs a studio, who does some special classes, and I have been going to one every Thursday in between ops it is just about 6 to 10 of us all with injuries or similar, and she is very watchful. it is very relaxing, gentle controlled exercise, meeting others, and all in all a lovely hour and half. o and a lot of relaxing at the end, so much so that usually at least one person falls asleep, so lots of laughter as we tidy up the mats. I am hoping to go to a special one on sat 14 , all about the Lymphatic system and immmunity, but don’t think i will be doing many moves, stitches only come out on the Thurs. but it will get me out

 

Well thats enough waffle from me, 

and as always,  warm  Huggles .  

 

 

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Hello Everyone,  I’m having a very quiet day today. sort of managed a shower and hairwash, so felt more human after.also managed a short walk to local spar for paper  20mins round trip. I’m telling myself that I have only a few days to go until stitches out etc. it is nothing like as painful as last year, but still needing to take tablets. and the dressing is making my skin very itchy.and I can still feel where the drain was. but I’m much luckier than all of you. I’m hoping the breast care  nurse can explain a few things on Thurs at least she listens- the whole team are something special.  .as The end of my tongue is still numb. also the anthethatist put the line into my left arm, should only use the right. so far no swelling, but why, and I had an ID band on saying do not use. I just get very fed up with people(experts/authority) not listening, The pharmacist at the hospital said I should speak with my local GP re one of the tablets I take regularly and have the strength reduced… its an anti depressant, so not sure that now is the ideal time to reduce it, also trying to get an appt with GP is nightmare. can be 4 week wait. they have wound me up so much there that when I saw the nurse the week before op my BP was high  143/97 so she said after op I must see Dr. my BP is never high. it was quite steady in hospital at about 117/70   and they were pleased with it.-I went because I had nasty sore throat & cough. guess what-its viral take some paracetamol??it will go in time.    It is back to the same old thing, that because all the C was removed last year everything is now ok, and I should be ok.and that I  am making a fuss about nothing and  that I should just get on with it. I’m dreaming that when I have the op to reduce the right side to match the left, I will go in as a caterpillar and emerge as the butterfly. 

Sorry for the big winge, just feeling sorry for myself, and as you all put it its hard to express your feelings to some people, but all you lovely ladies(friends) on here understand.

 

Huggles to you all.

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Hi Tracy, Thanks for the message, no I won’t stop or reduce the anti D as I have heard that there can be some on reactions. its just that the pharmasist has said that they can cause heart problems in an older person, so its a no win situation.  it will be up to my Dr to decide if and when I get to see her. I’ve been on them for about 6years, originally due to work issues.

  Sorry your back is giving you so much trouble. hope you enjoy the service   - I didn’t go to the service/ceremonies this morning. my OH was doing his bit and has been to an evening one as well should be home shortly. he is deputy Mace Bearer, so doing the full role this evening. including the white gloves. I’ve just done a lot of sitting around as woke up early with a lot of niggly pain- especially where drain was. OH is threatening me with trip to hospital tomorrow if its still bad. Mmmm lets just hope it goes away.  

 

I have done most of the xmas shopping, my daughter and I went a few weeks ago, as we realised that neither of us would be up for it now. she is doing well but gets very tired, guess that it is harder being pregant with 3 young ones needing feeding .and fetching from school etc.  

 

Think I am calmer than I was yesterday, still feeling mixed up but not so tearful .

Best wishes  and the usual Huggles to you all 

 

 

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Hi Naz,  Its been cold but dry here today I’m  near Bath   (M4 J17 is 3milws away) I 'm very tired today, so I’m wearing my onsie, not very elegant but cumfy. At least the pain/discomfort has eased. OH had to patch me up last night, got a blood blister?? which popped on side/back  under the dressings . still got numb end to tongue-very strange. but feeling more normal whatever normal is.

 Naz I sympathise with you, about the reconstruction, how far along the road are you, I keep telling myself that I will be ok by my birthday next year or at least in time for my daughters 40th in June.                     Yes she is very tired but still found the time and energy to call over last week.-  Pinkie is due 27 Dec.-but   mummy was cleaning kitchen cupboards yesterday-nesting… she is bringing them up on her own. 

On Weds the oldest -Chloe is 10. so it will be presents and cake after school. so that will be a lovely afternoon. I will get showered and put on a nice top(&trousers of course) and do the hair and face. 

 

Take Care all of you.

Huggles   Jen

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Hi Bev12 and welcome to the BCC forums where you will soon have lots of support and shared experiences from your fellow users

Our helpliners are also on hand with emotional and practical support for you so please feel free to call on 0808 800 6000, lines open during the week 9-5 and Sat 10-2

You may find the BCC ‘Moving forward’ page helpful and here’s a link, you will find further support and information here:

breastcancercare.org.uk/moving-forward

Take care

Lucy BCC

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Hello everyone,

 

Its the last day of the month to get rid of all our negative thoughts and feelings and start afresh tomorrow . It is time for us all to look forward to Christmas and prepare and plan what we can do each day. I have not been very organised this year at all. I had not felt like shopping or writing my cards, but I must shake myself. I must try and overcome that " cant be bothered feeling " and make a list and get cracking. Otherwise Christmas will just pass me by and everyone will wonder what happened to me.

I hope your grand daughter is doing fine and healing well. I am sending lots of love and positive vibes for her to Get Well Soon. Keep in touch everyone and try and have a relaxing weekend. Tracy xxx

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Hi Bev

I am sorry to read you are feeling so low, not sure whether you have seen that we offer a ‘One to one’ support service whereby you can be in touch with someone who understands how you are feeling by email or telephone, here’s more information for you in case you feel it would help:

breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-services/someone-talk/one-one-support

Take care

Lucy BCC

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Ooops,  spelling gone awol.  was meant to be virtual.   must be having a senior moment.  sorry.

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Hello Bev and Carol Jenny and Naz …
Thinking of you all.Sending you all positive vibes for the week ahead.

Bev I take Sertraline and like you was started on 50mg then 100mg up to 150mg and finally 200mg before it worked for me. It took about 7 or 8 weeks to work and I felt dreadful throughout the whole period. i kept telling my hubby that I could not live feeling so ill and in such a big black hole. My GP presribed Diazepam as well because he said I was more anxious than depressed. Stick with it Bev it will stat to work very soon. Go back to the GP and ask for it to be increased again. Dont worry you will wean yourself off it as I am back down to 100mg now but you may need the initial boost like me.
Not long to wait for the Counselling and I am sure that will help.
Take good care of yourself and practice Mindfulness.
Naz where are you ? We have not heard from you for a while. I hope you are keeping busy. We miss you Naz and want you to come and let us know you are okay. Praying that you are feeling brighter and calmer.
Jenny I am sure your grand daughter will talk about her experiences soon.
Carol how are you feelibg this weekend ? Thinking of you .

Lots of love and huggles to you all Tracy xxx

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Not been back to this site for a while as life  takes over and have been trying with moderate sucess to not dwell on the past and try and move forward . Have attend postive about life course at local cancer centre which although did not change much helped as feel my reactions and fears are more normal than i previously thought. Also got brca result which was negative which made me feel worse as wanted to be able to have mastectomies . So after initial knock back saw consultants about this and much to my surprise breast  consultant suppottive of this , unfortunetely oncologist not but have decided to still pursue this option, have seen health psychologist who supports my decision to make a sound choice about this and now awaiting appointment with other breast consultant at end of jan to discuss options . Feel more postive as actually doing something about my fears though some would feel a radical step at present feels the right decision for me . Still consumed with fear of it cioming back but trying so very hard to move forward . Wishing us all a cancer free new year and hears hoping that we all can

move forward without this whole experience controlling our decisions all the time .hugs to all rosie dog xx

 

 

 

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Hello Ladies, I have not checked online for a while, We now have a new grandchild- Evie Mae arrived (over 2 weeks late) at 6 am Last Tues. 7lbs 14 oz. Mum and babe fine, 3 older children adore her. Gran & grandad both very tired. long days covering meals, school runs, bath and bedtimes and homework. Didn’t have time to think about any thing else.which is probably a good thing but did get very stressed by about Weds and Thurs of last week but settling down now. just realised we have been on call etc since last week of November when accident to older grand daughter happened. no wonder I am tired. Now I am concentrating on me. (next operation in about 6 weeks)

I hope you are all ok.  Hope that  no messages means good news and good and happy feelings., for you all.

 

Take Care, Huggles 

Jenny xx

 

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Haven’t been on forum for a while but just thought would put an update on . After several discussions with my consultant had double skin sparing nipples removed mastectomy on 14 April with immediate reconstruction with tissue expanders . Wow what a difference it has made to how I feel emotionally can actually 2 years on from initial diagnose think about the future rather than stumbling through day to day . Although painfull at first and still some degree of discomfort so pleased I had it done . So to others of you struggling to cope emotionally and considering mastectomies going with your gut feelings as I did . Hope all progressing on their journies and finding some happiness in they life’s big hugs rosiedog x