Now look ere, I’m not one to complain but…last night I was stuck out in the cold freezing my…ahem…personals…off, tonight I’m stuck out ere in the d**n car park again, just me trusty flask and me camels fer comp’ny. Wass goin on in there? Who’s threatening me camels with a gun? Whaddya mean, running wild?? They ARE wild…least they keep me comp’ny, and sneak me one of them poncy scones evry now an again…Why has my diction slipped so alarmingly?
(have cooked my son a special celebratory tea, fish fingers and beans. He needs to get used to eating on a student budget;) )
NO,NOT telling my kids that one!! 
Ellie sweetie, dooooo get a wriggle on, don’t stand there like a cancelled stamp. Grab that gigolo Milton and act goofy. We NEED to know why he’s acting the big cheese!
Ooooooooooh Chester, you DO make me happy!!
One last jig before Afternoon Tea then, by the way cannot stand Milton with his smug, smiley mannerisms, will just Charleston on my own, here goes ! xx
Whew need a seat now, jolly good fun though all that dancing think I even managed a smile!!
Afternoon Tea how lovely, sandwiches beautiful, and scrummy scones and cakes.
See that Blanche is her usual greedy self and has eaten most of the sandwiches…oh my, golly gosh, she has just turned the most unbecoming of colours, purple! Doesn’t suit her at all xx
OH MY GOODNESS Blanche has just been sick all down the front of my best day dress.
Carry her to the chaise longue? Urggh! I feel pretty faint myself. Help, someone! Fetch the solicitor! I mean… fetch the doctor!
What’s this? Blanche is clutching something in her right hand…looks like a sheet of paper?
Directors notes to cast:
- I know the script allows ad libs, but honestly how can I block in the action when it keeps changing???
- Props - can you make some vomit please. Not TOO realistic…
- Chauffeur - we need to get you onstage, it is no good just sitting in the limo with the camels and muttering. You need to be IN the action not ‘resting’ outside
- Purchase travel sickness pills for Millie Dog due to all the swaying about…
- Makeup still needs attention, as does hairstyles. A nice Marcel wave be appropriate.
- ASMs- could you sort more afternoon tea food please? The cast are consuming cake like it is going out of fashion… why am I not surprised??
- Cast taking cross gender roles must not MINCE on stage - we must not adopt stereotypes!
That’s all for now, I shall now sob into my glitterberry juice juice quietly…
Grumpy and frazzled Dame
As a fellow student at Lancaster was once heard to shout (repeatedly): will someone pleas tell me what the f***'s going on!
given up trying to fight the miniscule font on my phone and the page randomly scrolling itself up and down, and have reverted to kindle. I hope it behaves itself tonight - really haven’t got the patience, especially with OH insistimg on listening to opera -or wailing women, as call it. been stuck in the car or cottage with his choice of music most of day and my nerves are frazzled! Should have known better than to mention the B word *whispers: “beach”*because that made it rain all day! 
I’e absolutely no idea who is playing (or related to/sleeping with) whom or what I’m supposed to be doing/saying. The only thing that makes any sense to me is the camels and the 2 sheiks: Yafist and Yerbooty.
I used BCC’s search to find Benchland and it said «Did you mean england?» ha ha No!
heading home on Sat and have decided to break the journey and spend a night in a B&B in…Morecambe!! 
I’l be thinking of yu all. and stearing clear of the Madland Hotel!
Yup JCJ I’m with you there. Completely lost but entertained nonetheless. I’ve got a non-speaking part, mainly because I’m drunk behind the sofa with a bottle of port for the duration - kindly soul swaps empty for full at regular intervals - or is there method in their actions? Are they deliberately trying to keep me out of the way? Probably that Blanche again - or is she dead?
Flora has a non-speaking part too. Actually, it’s more of a non-appearing part. I think she’s still up in her room trying to decide which frock to wear for afternoon tea, even though it was yesterday. She’s nervous of inviting Blanche’s wrath (- or Grumpy’s?!) Either that, or she’s trapped on the landing, dithering about whether to use the stairs (afraid of heights) or the lift (claustrophobic)! OK, so why has the font suddenly gone from teeny to massive and back to normal? What did I do? One day I’ll get the hang of this phone! (fortunately, back to a proper computer soon, so I won’t have to hang MYSELF instead??! :-p )
Read your post as your foot going from teeny to massive. Conjoured up a marvellous picture of your face staring at your foot… 
. Made me chuckle
Off for bloods and clinic now. Bet I won’t be chuckling after hanging around for 3 hours…
As Archie “oh my poor milady, she won’t like being dead at all, the food won’t be right and who’ll run her about when she needs to go somewhere? They won’t know she likes the window open one and three-quarter inches and which leather polish she likes the smell of best in her lovely motors…oh her poor lovely motors! What shall I do? I’ll take the Roller (not the one the camels pranged, the other one) and the Bentley off to be cleaned, we may need them for the funeral…better take both Bentleys actually…she never did get to see the lovely new Bugatti…sniff…”
Hope everything goes well today Benedictus.
JCJ and Ben it’s a very ad lib portrayal so no set lines, just make it up as you go ! All the dithering and drunken behaviour is perhaps hampering your performances 
!
Seemingly there will be prizes/trophies for best actor, best supporting actor etc, overheard Dame Grumpy mumbling?
Oh poor, poor Blanche how sad…such a shame she didn’t change her will 
!
Poor, poor Milton NOT! she says hysterically laughing.
Bet that Olive had something to do with Blanche’s tea being full of cyanide…
xx
Trophies??? Prizes??? it’s not the flippinng Oscars you know, even though I will be wearing one of Dame Helen’s cast-offs (hopefully).
the Dame
Eleanor has such a bad attitude! She’s like a hyena - laughing hysterically in my face today, every time we cross paths - despite the loss of my beloved Blanche. She said Blanche didn’t change her will… how does she know anything?
That paper Blanche was holding…what was that about? Some written stuff, but no-one had a chance to read it! Someone called the Plod last night who announced ‘do not touch anything’ and took the piece of paper.
Oh, Blanche, my poor, poor Blanche! 
Plod says it was cyanide in the tea!! Who saw anything suspicious? P’raps Benjamin - he was lying behind the sofa all night? And who was missing? Who dunnit?
I will have to ask you all to remain in the hotel until further notice. That means ALL of you including those rather enormous brown dogs. As you know the deceased was clutching a sheet of paper in her hand when she kicked the bucket. Unfortunately we have not been able to read the said sheet of paper owing to its being in some sort of foreign language . Therefore anyone here who may know what language the aforesaid deceased person may have written it in is requested to come forward to help the police with their enquiries.
You are also each asked to give a statement as to your whereabouts at the time of the incident.
Now if someone could fetch me a freshly sharpened pencil we will begin.
I have been existing in a parallel universe!!! Back from my week away (with all the family - what a surprise) in the wilds of Wales. Well near Wrexham in a beautiful cottage. Was my 60th yesterday. After opening of beautiful presents, we went on a Treasure Trail during the day and in the evening had a posh buffet and had a Murder Mystery evening! And I come back to a murder in progress in Benchland!
what are the chances?
kay x
Many Happy Returns Kay!
Ditto: Many happy returns Kay, and welcome back! Your week/day sound amazing…
As Blanche " " (silence of the dead)
As Charlotte Rose : Sniff ~ sob ~ sniff " people say the most terrible things about poor Blanche - they don’t realise what a hard life she’s had, and why she had to learn to be so hard. They’ll find out when they read her will…"