Strained relationships and expectations

Friends and family Support for you
1

Hi, My mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will be going for a mastectomy with reconstruction followed by possible chemotherapy afterwards.

We come from a complex family, with many many fall outs. My Mom is telling the medical professionals that she has good support from her children but in all honesty we don’t have the best of relationships. I have an extremely busy life as a full time carer to my children who both have significant additional support needs, as a result of this they are home schooled and with me 24/7, they also struggle with sleep and routine changes. I am feeling pressure from all angles as I do want to support my mom in this but I cannot be there the way she and my family is expecting as she lives alone…I am unable to move in with her short term at all but I have offered for her to move in with me which she has declined as this is the only way overnight support would work with my autistic children’s needs and my busy lifestyle. I have attempted to seek support from the carer centre but they have not returned my phone calls despite trying many times. My own anxiety and depression has been really difficult to cope with since before her diagnosis also so I feel like everything is closing in and my fight or flight response is kicking in - to the point where I am wishing harm on myself to avoid the whole situation … and before anyone says it i know my mum is the most important person in this but i am majorly struggling too.

No medical professional has spoken to me or my siblings about what to expect after surgery for my mum and what aftercare she will need at home with her being alone so my sister is constantly messaging me about putting a plan for recovery in place which I cannot commit to as my children’s needs come first unfortunately she doesn’t understand this and thinks I can just drop it all to be there.

Can someone help me with how things may look for my mom after surgery? she will be in hospital for 3 days minimum due to mastectomy and reconstruction.

will she need someone with her 24/7? or overnight?
will it be enough to pop in to make sure shes ok etc? (i live 30 mins away from her)

I feel like my sister and siblings are making the recovery side of things bigger than it needs to be…I have zero support for myself so i do not have anyone who could take my children for this and they wouldn’t settle anyway.

I hope this makes sense everything is all muddled in my head and I am trying desperately for support but I dont feel that theres much out there unfortunately.

1 Like
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I’m sorry you have found yourself in such a difficult dilemma.
My first thought is why aren’t your siblings offering to look after your mother too? After all, isn’t she their mum too?
I hope you are able to resolve this amicably between you all x

3

I’m truly sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing, both with your mom’s diagnosis and the complexities in your family. It’s a lot to handle, and your feelings are entirely valid.

After your mom’s mastectomy and reconstruction, the initial recovery period typically involves some assistance, especially during the first few days. While 24/7 support is ideal, it might not always be feasible. Having someone check in on her regularly, given the 30-minute distance, could provide valuable support.

It’s essential to communicate openly with your family about your limitations and prioritize your children’s needs. Exploring local support groups or reaching out to organizations like the cancer society might offer additional resources. Remember, taking care of yourself is crucial too. If you ever feel overwhelmed, consider talking to a mental health professional. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your unique situation.