Hi, I’ve recently made a new girl friend, we both have children who are 2 years old. She was treated for BC and was told she probably find it difficult to conceive… she now has 2 kids (2 and 15 months) and has been cancer free for (I think) 4 years. Recently, she has been very down, teary, anxious and worried about her relationship with her husband. She feels unable to cope and overwhelmed… I’m not a trained professional so all I can do is listen. Today she mentioned that since the cancer she is no longer herself, that the cancer took something from her…maybe she hasn’t dealt with the fact she had cancer?? I just dont know! So… I would like to help her find a support group online so she could fit it in with/around the children…Can anyone point me in the right direction? Am I doing the right thing? will she think I don’t want to listen and fobbing her off to professional help? Why is her husband not helping her? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Worriedfriend5
You’ve come to the right place. She’s lucky to have a friend like you looking out for her. Fighting breast cancer is more than just a physical battle & often the mental battle comes after all the physical treatment. It can be sort of like post traumatic stress disorder , a delayed reaction to all that she went through. Her husband will have had his own battle on his hands from diagnosis through treatment etc, trying to be supportive but also struggling to cope himself so he may not be in the best place himself right now. As well as forums on here for life after cancer there is also the helpline to talk to someone on a confidential basis and get some support & advice. If you think she’d run from seeking professional counselling then this site is a good place to start trying to come to terms with it all & find others who have come through similar circumstances. I hope you can persuade her as she’s not alone with the way she feels.
Twinky x
Some dads are absolutely useless it has to be said, but probably the majority want to help but don’t always know how. Beneath the bravado it must be scarey when the woman you love has a go at you! Particularly when there are two children under three ready to join in, you really are overwhelmed for a few years. Then it all goes quiet, and you wonder what they’re up to; uh-oh, you forgot it’s time to collect them from school, Ooops.
My feeling is your friend has been through a helluva lot in the last five years, and is probably hormonally volatile between BC treatment and running around after two toddlers. She can’t have been un-pregnant for long. What she has dealt with is enough to stress anyone out and maybe the dad doesn’t get a look in. Or maybe he really is a total waste of space, but I’m going to suggest the situation might be made better if she could be checked for hormone balance and/or postnatal depression - cancer takes the forefront but it’s not the only thing in her life, and depression can be just as debilitating. Sometimes innocent parties do get treated unfairly whether it’s spouse or children. I think you’re right to try to get her some help, but not sure how best to do that without upsetting her, Possibly investigating the general young mums’ scene together might be more useful than limiting the search to cancer support, which is often targetted a generation older?
This site does have a younger women’s section where the younger women hang out (no, really?!) so might be an idea to repost your thread or ask the moderators to move it over there
As a first move you could get in touch with NCT the national childbirth trust, nct.org.uk they have groups and counsellors for postnatal support and although they wouldn’t be specifically up on the cancer stuff, you both know more than enough about that! I think it’s probably largely down to them that I survived infancy never mind motherhood!
Also there are more general things to do together, like exercise classes, just getting out without the babies once in a while would give your friend more chance to talk? Lots of pools and gyms have a daytime creche. Meeting other people not just you, and doing something constructive not just pouring out her woes all afternoon… The advantage of those is that you can be asking her for help, will you come with me, rather than suggesting she needs help, it could feel less threatening for her that way. Specially if let’s be honest who doesn’t need to relax, exercise and lose some weight?
and, Don’t under-estimate the value of a listening friend! The fact you have bothered to come on here and ask, shows how much you care and want to help. The three people outside family who came to mum’s funeral were the three from her local NCT group of over fifty year ago, all now over eighty and two of them travelled more than thirty miles by public transport to attend. Neighbours with cars couldn’t be bothered.
Wishing you the best of luck; Tact, patience and chocolate. I don’t know if you have a partner, but if you do you might be able to share a babysitter and get the four of you out for a fun afternoon without children, or an adult pub supper something, and get a better idea about the dad?
Thank you so much for bothering to help me. I think I will start with the exercise and invite them over for supper… She has been to the doctor about PND and they are doing bloods next week… however, whenever she talks about the BC or the date she started kemo, Valentines Day! she breaks down. This woman is fab, I mean strong, intelligent, kind and totally beautiful looking, she wrote an amazing book while she was prego!?! and it always surprises me when she cries… stupid huh??? I really think it has something to do with what she went through and life on the other side…It really is gently gently in suggesting she seek after BC support… thank you once again.