Struggling to cope with my wife's chemo

system · 29 April 2013 05:37

hi guys,
my wife has had the breast op left masectomy with stratis.
she looks great , but the thing that is getting me down is this bl**dy chemo!

she has only hAd 1 , not many side effects really just tiredness and slight nausea .
i feel stressed out though andcannot function correctly.
i am very snappy with people and forgetful!
i struggle to sleep which makes it worse
do I need heop?
Am i going crazy ?

June_BCC · 29 April 2013 07:55

Hello Hopefull

Welcome to the forums, this must be a very difficult time for you and your wife.

Whilst waiting for other users to support you, maybe you would like to talk things through with a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 10.00 to 2.00.

Best wishes

June, moderator

Melrose15 · 29 April 2013 08:47

Dear Hopefull
Of course you are not going crazy. It’s such a hard time for you and you need the support as well as your wife.
Have you got good friends and family to talk things through with. Use them! Don’t feel you have to do this on your own.
Also I believe Macmillian are a great support for partners. Give them a ring and have a chat.
Take care
Emma xx

kevinj · 29 April 2013 09:33

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You are not going crazy all your feelings are totally natural, it’s a horrible time for you BOTH but I promise it does get better you just have to hang in there give her all the love you can and to some degree turn off your emotions.(well when you are around your good lady)I tried to be strong around my wife but when I was on my way to work nearly every morning tears would flow (I am supposed to be a tough steelworker)I managed this way I didn’t want her seeing I was upset, I have since told her and she says she wished I can spoken to her about it, I remember our BSN saying to us give us six months of your life and we will make sure you come through this ,we clung on to that fifteen months we are back to as normal you can be after a diagnosis like that ,just returned from a holiday in Mexico, just hang on in there you will come out the other side a stronger more caring person, all the very best of luck.

QueenDrama · 29 April 2013 10:15

hi

as someone who has just had my 6th chemo I would say please talk TO your wife and WITH your wife. My husband tried the “Stifff upper lip” and I just saw that an uncaring. dont forget steroids screw up your mind and you start to read things into conversations and situations which arent there. When my husband cried with me i felt very supported. Hope that helps!

qd x

system · 29 April 2013 12:24

Hi if my husband was still with me I would want him to tell me how he was feeling then we could share the journey together and get through it much better and in years to come look back and think how we worried but trying to go it alone is not for both of you I should know I am on my own with ony the dog to talk to so good luck be brave and tell her how you feel
all the best
Assisi

angiepops · 29 April 2013 16:22

hi
my OH is very relaxed about everything while i’m there but not so when he speaks to other people it seems.
i’m having chemo, it isnt the nicest thing ive ever encountered but i have been a bit disappointed that he doesnt seem to want to know anything, he just plods on regardless. i had a go the other night and he said he was trying to be normal because one of us has to be!! so i’m just leaving him to it, he asks if i’m ok when i get sleepy and stuffs going on but i dont think he could cope with the nitty gritty so i come on here and spill all to these lovely people instead.
maybe youre worrying for both of you, maybe you just need a release. this site works for me, you could try spilling to us, we’re always ready to listen.
good luck, speak soon.
angie xx

Border_Collies · 29 April 2013 16:35

My husband has been very supportive but in the early days of dx his emotions were hard to read. I could see that he was trying to be strong but I really needed to know that he cared.
Shortly after my first FEC we were lying in bed at night and he was obviously restless and couldn’t sleep. I suddenly grabbed hold of me and cuddled me to him saying that he couldn’t bear to see what I was going through and that I didn’t deserve it as I gave so much love to other people and he’d do anything to make life easier for me and he couldn’t lose me. Well, I fell in love all over again that night. His words meant the world to me. Moral - talk to your wife and tell her your feelings as I know that is what she wants to hear. Life does get better and I truly believe this awful disease has brought my husband and I even closer and yet he’s seen me at my worst. Good luck to you both.

system · 7 May 2013 21:38

Thanks guys you are ALL
a great help I cannot tell you all how great full i am
!
its not pleasant bot we will get there !
Xxxx

system · 19 May 2013 21:02

K update.
2nd chemo gone ! all ok …more tired but not much else…
i am sort of coming to terms .
dont get me wrong ,its far from easy but at the end of the day …
get these 3 months out of the way and thats it !

keep talking guys …INEED YOU xx

Melrose15 · 6 June 2013 00:54

Hi I hope all is going well with your wife and the s/e’ s of the chemo are minimal. I’m sure, if not before, you’ve become a fab cook, cleaner and general gofer!
Good luck with the second half xx

Lilac_Blue · 6 June 2013 06:12

I bought my husband: Breast Cancer Husband – How To Help Your Wife (And Yourself) Through Diagnosis, Treatment And Beyond: Amazon.co.uk

I found this book a very good read for me, the wife – as well and it’s on Kindle too. Your doing great Hopefull, LB, x

system · 6 June 2013 11:22

I finishedhad finished my chemo in April last year. My hubby was very quiet throughout the process which made me worry about how he was coping. talk to your wifeheist sounds as if you have just the right attitude to survive this cancer journey together.

best wishes to you bboth annie c x

system · 8 June 2013 21:20

ok
Third FEcKIng Fec gone thank fec !
Now 3 docetaxel
then we are done .
Is this worse ,better, same ?
I must admit i am not cooking much as she is following a program that is a mediterranian diet.
Lots of beans pulses etc seems to be doing the trick though .
K going sleepies now as i am also knackered

system · 9 June 2013 08:38

Hi
Glad to see such a caring OH! Glad FEC has gone well and is behind you. Everyone reacts differently to the drugs so how one person found it does not imply your wife will be the same. For me Docetaxel was horrid - couldn’t eat, no energy, hospitalised with infection. The only way I got through was knowing it was nearly over. I finished in Nov 2012 and am still waiting for some of the side effects to finish.
Be there for her, dont expect too much from her but let her know you care and that she is still special.
Kahren

system · 11 June 2013 13:02

Hi Hopefull. My wife had 4 x EC followed by 4 x Docetaxel. In her case, the EC didn’t cause huge problems (apart from hair loss, but then she looked great without hair). Different people have different reactions, but for her the Docetaxel was terrible, with severe joint pains, mouth ulceration, neutropenia, peripheral neuropathy. Like Kahren above, she did get an infecton and we had to take her to the hospital; her immune system was practically non-existent. Apparently, though, some people find the taxanes easier than the other drugs, so I hope your wife is one of those.
As many people here have said, the main things are to let her know she is cared for and loved, and to help with all manner of practical things. The joint pains were made worse with inactivity, and at one point I had to force Janet to get up and move about; it was awful to do it, but she was grateful afterwards. Keeping a good supply of ice-lollies in the freezer is a good idea. There is a huge amount that the hospital can do to alleviate the side affects, and Janet’s side effects were much less for the following 3 rounds, so it is important to speak up. Watching for infections is critical, and it is important to call the hospital support number at the first hint of a raised temperature. We monitored her temp routinely.
The other issue was the effect of the steroids. They can make a person feel like ripping people’s heads off for the slightest reason, so it is important to bear that in mind. I’m sure you are already doing it, but doing everything without being asked is important I think.
I do hope it goes OK for your wife.

system · 30 June 2013 17:40

Hi
she has had the first doc flattened for a week .
mouth ulcers and aching
the diet is defo working though her weight is very stable and it’s really healthy too !

system · 30 June 2013 22:31

I have to say, I actually lost weight on chemo. I’d been trying for years!
If your wife is anything like me, I tried to put on a ‘brave face’ and appear normal. Was still miffed when he went off to a family BBQ and left me. Thought he would have thought about me first.
What I’m saying is it’s diffifult. But you do need to put your wife first in everything. She’s feeling vulnerable at the moment (and will be for a while). She needs constant reassurance etc, and a lot of support.
It does get better, but takes time. I’m over 5 years out and am fine.

system · 1 July 2013 07:36

Hi, I think the best piece of advice I can give you, is what my doctor gave to me. Try to get away for a break when you can, even if its only visiting friends or going for a drive. We try to go away for a few days between each stage i.e. when I finished the horrible chemo and before I started the weekly. We are going on a train trip for a couple of days before I have my surgery, I think this will be the most relaxing for my husband as it doesn’t involve him driving as he gets enough of that taking me to the hospital. I wish you all the best and I understand how you feel it is just as hard on family members.