Struggling to hold it togetherness



Im new to the forum. 


Im a husband struggling to hold things together. My wife had breast cancer 8 years ago and had successful surgery & reconstruction. Back in 2016 a regular blood test showed a change in her liver function. Furthers scans & tests showed the cancer had returned. So straight onto chemo tablets, followed by joining a drug trial, which worked for about 8 months. My wife, Ros, has just had her 5 round of chemo with all the horrible side effects. She is doing remarkable well but we do have our moments 


Our relationship has changed dramatically during the last 2 years. We no longer sleep in the same room, no intimacy at all. We no longer go for walks together or garden together and so much more. She goes to bed most nights by 9 and sleeps most of the time before that.  I feel guilty if I do anything on my own.we are changing our car and it’s the first time I’ve done this on my own. Life is so different. 


we recently had our sons marriage & also had our first grandchild. So in many respects we have lots to be thankful for but Sunday evening she had a meltdown. It was horrible to see. She is convinced she will never see her son again or see her granddaughters first birthday she feels guilty about how our lives have changed. 


I felt totally useless. I tried to stay positive, we slept in the same bed for the first time in ages and I just held her in my arms until she fell asleep. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t cry at night. I’m just about holding it all together. 


Ros is not just my wife & mother mother of my children. She is so much more, my soul mate, my best friend, lover & my world. 


Can anyone point me in me in the direction of anything that can help me cope as I feel our lives are slowly falling apart and it’s picking up speed.




Hi Wayne and welcome to the forum , such a heartfelt post and there must be so many husbands going though the same. I know mine says feeling so helpless was a killer for him, if I had a problem he would sort it no matter what but this was beyond him and he felt he was letting me down by not having any power to make it go away, from my point of view he was my rock and held me up and I’m sure your wife does feel the same, it can be an incredibly lonely illness, you are surrounded by people yet it’s you alone who is physically having to deal with it.


Im a primary lady but can relate to your wife’s feelings of guilt, my diagnosis was just over 3 years ago and what I was putting now my family through has been one of the most difficult things to come to terms with for me, like you I have seen one son Marry and the arrival of our first grandchild in that time and feel so blessed to be here but you can’t help the fear setting in at times about what you could have missed and it’s totally natural to have melt downs about what the future holds though its so hard for you to see it’s probably a relief for her to let it out. 


I suggest phoning the helpline here as they are amazing and will be able to help point you in the direction of the support you need , there is a someone like you part of the forum where they try and put you in touch with others going through them same and they may have other husbands you could make contact with. 


We of course are always here to listen and have ladies with secondary diagnosis who could hopefully give you a better insight in to how your wife Is feeling than I can.