I last posted in 2002 when my wife was initially diagnosed with Breast Cancer and found posting helped me a lot. Nine years on and the cancer has progressed so I am back.
She had a five year spell after ar lumpectomy where all seemed well but after coming off Tamoxofen she started having pains in her legs which turned out to be secondary bone cancer(after battling with a GP who was convinced that it was arthritis). She had an operation to put in a rod. That helped for a bit but she soon starting having back pains which inevitably was cancer in her spine. She had another operation to put a cage around two vertabrae that had fractured.
Since then she has been in constant pain. She has been feeling nauseaus and being sick most days. She’s on a cocktail of drugs - none of which touch the pain.
The bone cancer is in both legs, her pelvis, spine and shoulders. She was taken into hospital again yesterday because of the pain - she is so sick that when she takes the pills they often just come straight back up.
I want to help and up to now I have been able to keep her spirits up but she has recently recome very despondant and tells me that she wants to die pretty much every day. I am at a loss as to how to re-assure her and help in any way. I want to help but I feel completely helpless and nothing I do seems to have any effect at all.
That’s so heart wrenching, how horrible for you both.
As to the wanting to die comments - my Mum had bowel cancer with secondaries and she was in a lot of pain. She said to me that she wanted to die quite a lot, eventually I said to her “Do you actually really want to die? No you don’t, you want to NOT HAVE CANCER”
And then my Mum cried and said that was true and for some reason saying that really helped her.
It must be hard for you to hear, it was for me, I wished I could take it away from her.
Groucho, I can’t suggest anything practical, but wanted to send you my best regards. This is something that you just can’t fix, and I think the thing that will matter most to your wife is utter confidence and belief in your love for her. You have clearly been there for her since her first diagnosis, and your love is what has helped her carry on.
I feel very sad for you both, I hope someone else can come along soon and give you something to help. This disease is so hard.
oh groucho, wish i could take some of the pain away from you. you obviosly love your wife and are going through so much just now. All i can suggest is that you give the helpline a ring. they are there for partners too. They have so much more knowledge about what stage your wife is at and what it means.
dont know how much you like to share, but they might be able to put you in touch on a one to one basis with someone else who’s wife is at the same stage too.
I cannot start to understand what you are both going through and i just hope that posting here gives you some peace of mind
My wife has always been a very strong woman which is something that makes things harder when she struggles as much as she has been. She has been extraodinary in the way she has fought everything so far.
Alongside the secondary cancer we have a daughter whose reaction has resulted in anorexia. She has to eat less than everyone else so if mum vomits up a meal, she refuses to eat - Mum tries hard but if often sick. One of several conundrums I haven’t found an answer to yet.
I have lots of people who want to help and support but I tend to underplay how difficult things are because I don’t like the look of panic I get when I open up to people. I would probably benefit from emailing someone in the same position as I am in.
Hi, this is my first post,sorry if its a bit jumbled but i’m trying to piece all this together to see if i can make any sense of it… I had lymph and lumpectomy the day before yesterday, awaiting further results on 7th Sept. My mum died from BC when I was 7yrs old (i’m now 48). I have been diagnosed with invasive tubular 7mm so very slow growing low grade.But last October I had a 24cm cyst on my ovary removed along with both ovaries, all tested clear
.Regarding HRT, I was taking it prior to the ovarian cyst,which grew very quickly, after the op I was given a 30mg oestrogen patch,I had awful hot flushes, moved house, changed GP, who increased this to 70mg, I then had a routine mammogram and the BC was discovered. I am considering the BRCA test as I have a 20 year old daughter. and also curious to know if anyone else has had any probs with cyst on ovary like myself…
hi jude, welcome to the forum. I am sure there are people who would be able to answer your question but they might not find it on this thread.
why dont you post a new topic under “waiting for test reults” you can find the sections down the left hand side of the page. make the title ovarian cyst? or something.
this is a big site and a bit difficult to navigate at times. Good luck with your results, and I hope you recover from your op well. This is a great site and you will get support every step of the way.
do ring the helpline tomorrow then, they might be able to put you in touch with someone. Or try starting a new post tilttled " any husbands struggling with secondaries" There have been some wonderful partners on here talking about their wives
Welcome back to the BCC discussion forums, but I am sorry to hear that your wife is ill again. I am sure you will get some good, honest support from the other users of this site.
As has been mentioned earlier please do give the helpline here a ring, I am sure they will be able to give you some added support. Unfortunately as it’s the bank holiday the helpline is closed today but will be open again in the morning, 9-5 Mon - Fri and Sat 9-2. Calls are free, 0808 800 6000.
hi groucho , am so sorry you are having such a raw deal i have been in your shoes when i nursed my hubby through a brain tumour he passed away over 8 yrs ago aged 38 i remember just feeling so helpless and scared but putting on a brave front for my kids it is so bloody hard that you cant do anymore for this person you love so much, please take all the help and support you are offered and your daughter too bless her wish i could offer more but sending hugs your way ,take care of yourself too !!! rachel xxx
I haven’t contacted the helpline because I don’t think that I am ready to talk with people yet.
Since I last posted my wife was taken into hospital to try and work out what was making her sick all of the time and try to get on top of the pain.
After a week and a lot of scans she was discharged with a big bag of drugs that don’t work and oromorph that did for a day or so. Six days on and a follow up oncology appointment puts her straight back into hospital for more tests.
The latest scans are to look at her skull which seems to be where it has spread. Meanwhile I order a bed that lifts and tilts and supports but is several stages behind the problem.
Hello, I wanted to say that after 9 years of struggle, Sue has finally found peace. She passed away very peacefully on Monday with me, our daughter and her parents with her. She was no longer in any pain.
Thankyou to the various people on here who have been supportive at my low points over the last few years.
All the best with your own fights, it is a horrible disease and you will all need to be strong.
David so very very sorry to hear the news about Sue, pleased that she was in no pain and you and your family were with her. My deepest condolences to you all xx