Wintersocks here again,
Have been for MRI today, wasn’t too bad just did both my breasts took bout 1 hour,
The thing is this: I got a letter from the hospital yesterday, I hurriedly openend it and I recall it said something about stage 2, I simply couldn’t read the rest of it and stuffed it back in the envelope. I cannot speak to the BCN, or the helpline here. I just feel paralysed with fear, and like i am going to be sick.
Is this normal, should I have accepted things a little more by now?
I am starting chemo March 23rd seeing onc 1st May, and no one has said anything to me about the 3 scans I have had. or the bloods.
I have been relatively ok this morning, but now I feel distressed again.
WS
Dear Wintersocks, I am so sorry to hear of your fear. Whatever you feel is normal, there is no right or wrong. I am over three years on from my Stage 2 diagnosis and I’m in good health and enjoying life again, but in the beginning I was terrified and lonely. I wish there was something I could do to help you, all I can do is send you my best wishes, and perhaps you will eventually feel like phoning the helpline here… I have found it very useful. Hope you feel stronger soon, all best wishes, Jane x
Socks, would it help to ask your questions on here, and we can give you some explanations to the bits we can help with? We can also point you towards some of the BCC leaflets that are very clearly written and explain things in straightforward language.
For example, there is information on the main site that can answer some of your questions and we can point you towards it. Here is a link to a page that explains what “Stage 2” means. breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-information/about-breast-cancer/diagnosis/cancer-stages
There are also some very good leaflets that you can either download or order through the post that will help you to understand things. You can take things at your own pace, and read as much as you are able to cope with. One that you might find handy is
Understanding your pathology report: www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/sites/default/files/understanding_your_pathology_report.pdf
If you don’t feel able to read them yourself, do you have someone who could look at the letters and papers you’ve had and read these leaflets, so they can help you to understand what’s what?
And definitely give the helpline a ring, if you can face it.
As for whether it’s “normal”, I don’t think there IS anything “normal” about the stage you’re at. Some people go through it in a bubble, others cry and fall to bits, others pretend it’s not happening, others just take it on the chin and get on with it, and I reckon every one of us will admit to shedding at least a few tears and those middle-of-the-night moments of utter terror.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
I remember so well back in Nov last year when I got my diagnosis (stage 3) how fearful my heart was. I could hardly open the forum here, I never looked at the latest posts section as all I saw was lung mets, liver mets, bone mets. I just couldn’t run that fast! I kind of compared it with a big picture in front of me and I just wasn’t ready to look at the whole picture, I peeped into a corner of the picture but couldn’t look any further. I was scared of speaking to people as I worried they’re going to reveal a little more, even just by accident, of my picture I wasn’t prepared to look at yet. So I understand where you’re coming from by not wanting to speak to the helpline for example, although it’s very safe speaking to them, they are always positive, even to a point where I think it might not be realistic as my doctors who know me better are not that positive, but it does really good to speak to them.
But the good news is, the fearfulness went away, mainly through prayer and trust in God as I’m a Christian, and because I started chemo. I suddenly felt a lot more confident to look at the whole picture. Now I try to find out about this disease as much as I can. It’s painful sometimes, I ask the surgeon questions upon questions, he is very honest with me and some of the answers hurt me, but I try to accept what I have, like someone loosing a limb or becoming paralysed for example, although loosing a limb is not life threatening I quite appreciate this, but it’s life changing.
Big hugs, take your time, this is perfectly alright, I think the time will come where you feel more confident and deal with it better.
I hoped this helped a little, love from Christine xxx
Dear Socks. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so scared, as the others say we all deal with it in our own way. I have to confess that like you I didn’t read the leaflets because I wanted to avoid thinking about it. My OH darkly called it my Welcome to Cancer pack. I did the relentlessly cheerful on the surface and furiously walked the dog at break neck speed on the moors as I was so bloody angry and scared.
Once treatment started I felt that I was getting back at the ba****d cancer and got more of a grip.
The BCN at Halifax is lovely and they all want to know if you are struggling to come to terms with everything so they can help. Keep talking to us lot as well. xxx
Wintersocks here,
Chocciemuffin, and Christine.
Christine that’s exactly how I feel, some of the posts are really frightening, but the women are so amazing.
I do feel like I am going on about myself a bit much, I am aware of that, but is early days for me…I promise to help other people down the line, but at the moment I just can’t
Chocciemuffin, your research for me is brilliant, I do wish you could be with me as I look again at the letter, your posts make me feel a bit calmer. I will tell you which bus to get!
It’s all just so much to take in, I am aware of the worse case scenario and my mind goes to it all the time, I am not such a positive person at the best of times.
Will try to be brave tomorrow, not at home tonight and have had large glass of wine!
WS XXX
Thank-you Southernlucy,
I am still getting used to everyone’s name on here. I am at Halifax too. I don’t know if we have spoken about that before.
I am very pleased with their help so far, I won’t answer the phone to m y BCN. She must think me rude or in hiding.
Are you still being seen in Halifax or finished now?
Socks xx
WS, I have one thing to say to you. This is a repeat of something my GP said Christmas 2010 when I was still playing the waiting game and didn’t know quite what was going on. She said: “Bottoms up!”
Hope you’re tucked up by now.
Night night
CM
x