These comments say alot about other people. They just can’t cope with the word cancer and its effects. It is about their fears not ours. Over the last four years (my cancer has not raised its ugly head again so far) I have lived with the comments, the looks, the attitudes’ It may be four years ago, the side effects still linger on both physically and mentally so i think everyone is sick of me and want me to move on and get over it and 'you are cured so eveything is ok now isn’t it ? I am not speaking for everyone as experiences vary from person to person but for me I just ask for some patience, understanding and empathy from others. I may be withdrawn because I am to hot from the flushes or frustrated as my memory is still poor or tired as my ability to cope with long work hours is limited. However, I try every day to function well and to work hard despite these problems. To get up every morning I go to work is my achievement. It seems so little to others without cancer. All of our achievements large or small are to be celebrated. many of us cannot work with or after our cancer but there other things in our lives which deserve celebrating. I am still here and that is something which i am grateful for. Sorry flower, i am waffling but I just wanted to say these things as someone who is further down the line. I know this is a bit heavy for this thread and I apologise !
R xxxxx
Don’t apologise rachy, I’ve loved your post! I’m not that far down the line, but I see it all exactly the same way as you do. *group hug*
I’m 18 months on from surgeries for DCIS with microinvasion dx and am forunate that my treatment is over apart from regular mammograms and tatooing.
Mostly peole have been very supportive but I have lost one of my oldest friends because quite frankly she can’t cope with all the attention I’ve recieved. It would be so much easier if people would just say 'sorry to hear your diagnosis or 'is there anything I can do to help? (as in run you to your hospital appointments, bake scones, listen rather than tell you their cancer stories) I have neighbours and even family who can’t resist mentioning other people who’ve had ‘a breast off.’ Horrible term and like it’s supposed to make me feel better. I also get fed up with people staring at my chest when asking me how I am. I read somehwere - I think it was on a US site - about one bc survivor who wore a badge on her jumper which said ‘In case you’re wondering this is the one that tried to kill me.’
Extreme but it worked for her!!! On the positive side, there are people who have been promoted from acquaintances to friends since my dx because they’ve been so kind and helpful - not just to me but to my OH. Partners tend to get left out which is really unfair as they’re often suffering too by proxy.
I’m appalled that some of you have endured unsympathetic comments from work colleagues/bosses. It is so not a competition and I agree thast no-one is qualified to comment until they’ve been through this first hand.
Love and best wishes to you all.
Lou
xx
Lou, I have also lost an old friend due to this. But don’t you somehow feel refreshed and not like mourning for that relationship? I feel that I got to know the true importance of each relationship. I talked to this friend when I was diagnosed, he came to my pre-surgery dinner and I never got to hear from him for about 2 months. Then it was with a causal “Hey, sorry, I’ve been busy, have been meaning to get in touch… so how’s thing??” Huh?? I missed him immensely for the first month and I couldn’t believe he wasn’t there for me. Now I know who is in another league from the friends and family who have been there eeeevery tiny step of the way. No grudges to those who weren’t, but at least now we know! If we don’t get support from them at this grave time of our lives, then all that “friends forever” things is just a feel-good slogan, but not rooted in anything, isn’t it? And absolutely, the people who have been kind to our OH are to be loved forever too.
Many hugs for everybody.
Carmy xxx
Hi Carmy
Your’re so right. It is a relief. She was very needy, Always having trouble with relationships, work etc. She’s told other people that I have no empathy!!!
It’s a cliche but it’s true. You do find out who your friends are.
xxx
Have just come across this thread, not sure how I missed it before. I am a year since finishing treatment now, and so far, so good. Got to share a couple of corkers from family members though. You won’t believe them.
My dad lives in Yorkshire (I live in London) and a few months ago when I was saying bye to him following a week-end visit, turned to me and said in all seriousness “well, don’t you be catching cancer again this year, as last year when you were having treatment it was very stressful for me and I am not sure I could cope again”. And my mother-in-law came out with a classic when I was diagnosed to my husband, “well never mind, if she dies you won’t have trouble finding another wife, there are a lot of desperate women out there these days”.
You see, family - don’t you just love em…
Sam
Omg Sam, I got goosebumps reading your message! Unbelievable… *hugs* I’m so glad you’re a year after treatment. Hope you’re a bit better.
And Lou, I can’t speak as I don’t know her, but she sounds very toxic to me. You’re better off without her!
xxx
Hi folks. Glad I statred this- got a few laughs.
I agree about friends.I have been surprised at people I didn’t really have much time for befrore I was diagnosed have actually stepped up to the plate whereas other so called friends haven’t- in fact these " friends" text me with their good news eg having a baby ( when they know fine well I can’t have another longed for child 'cos of treatment) , new job, or S*ite work problems ( which are entirely within their control) when I am basically fighting for my life and my whole world as I knew it disintegrated in an instant at only aged 37 with a 2yr old.
I just came in there to a card from an old client contact from work who only jsut heard my news even although I was diagnosed in Jan) The card was lovely and thoughful. more than some friends have done. I think some people think I am becoming a cancer bore- it is all I seem to talk about but you know, until those “friends” with the glazed look on their faces get a cancer diagnosis and understand how it profoundly affects you to the core then I don’t care less. You really fnd out who your true friends are and indeed who new friends are.
meant to add, does anyone else find themselves telling random people about their diagnosis?. I am terrible for doing this. I want the whole world to know I am living their worst nightmare for some bizarre reason. Take the other day for example. I was in GAP and the assistant said a M size was more than enough for me. She had on a M size as it happened but then went on to say she was larger busted than me and she thought it still looked ok onher. Cue me- I’ve only got one boob … bc diagnoses… no hair… hav a wig on etc etc Poor woman. this mad bint blurting out her living nightmare.
on the other side, listen to this. As we know, chemo confines us to our bed. So all summer I’ve basically been listend to kids in the street playing and listening to lawnmowers etc etc. The house directly accross from my bedroom window sold recently. An older single lady moved in. I watched her come and go with interest. Envious that she had reached 60+, that she could play golf and watch her grandchildren who would come round play. Anyway, when I felt better I ventured out and she happned to be in her garden. I introduced myself, got chatting and explained why I had a cap on. Turns out she finished treatment for BC last year, ( with a sledgehammer of a diganosis). She was so lovely, caring and most of all knew exactly the nightmare i was living.
Another example, only yesterday. I bumped into the gardener who cuts the communal grass in our estate. I’ve been watching him , again from my room window throughtout the summer. Cutting, weeding, edging surmising he has a great carefree life. Nice bloke. Chatting away ended up saying I had been really ill. He said he’d seen me out and about with my cap and went on to say his wife had been diagnosed with grade 3 lymph node +ve BC 11 years ago. She is doing really well. When she was diagnosed their girl was the same age as my son. They have just watched their daughter go to secondary school. x
Best ones I have had after secondary dx this year …
’ oh thought you were cured what did you do to get it back? ‘’
‘well never mind you beat it once just do it again’
mmmmm lol
oh and the best one
’ you so brave dont know how you keep going’
I had “i’m so sorry, you’re far too young (I’m 29) to get BC”
Well clearly not too young as I have it…
I read all these … My mum bless her tries her best… As soon as I told her I had to have biopsy cos I had suspicious cluster of microcalcifications. Her first words were … Oh don’t worry they are common your aunt had those …Indeed she did… That’s my aunt with breast cancer…
I’ve had a number of these and not minded too much as I’m not sure 'Id know how to react or what to day either and the positive has outweighed the negative, but my best has to be my work colleague who tried to tell me about her breast augmentation surgery and then said of course its not like what you’ve had…erhh no its not… I have entirely lost both breasts and I have cancer which threatens my future and affects every day of my life and I’ve just been diagnosed and and trying to come to terms with it you my dear wanted bigger tits! Sorry but just saying!!!
Ladies - a good reply to the it’s-all-gone-you’re-cured-now comment is ----
I’m NEDDY, No Evidence of the Damned Disease as Yet. Usually makes them think.
And of course we ladies need to educate the rest of the world about cancer, so let’s make sure we put them straight - gently of course!!!
grumpy
I learnt this off by heart when we were at school…and that was a long time ago…I have used it when iIam particularly annoyed by a stupid comment about cancer…it goes like this…
“Far be it for me to quibble over trifle indelicasies… but if you should insinuate that I shoud tolerate such insolence from a mere reprobate whose mental capacity is not yet fully developed… I can assure you that you are highly disillusioned”
Leaves them speechless if you learn it off by heart. Worth trying it out for those really infuriating statements people think they can just say to you.
The other good reply to the EXPERTS out there, given with an ‘interested’ facial expression is -
Thank you so much for that, I’ll tell my oncologist cos I don’t think he was taught that at Medical School.
I usually get an embarrassed pause after that one …
grumpy
Scottishlass - That’s brilliant! Love it!
Hi
love the NEDDY thing…scottish lass that’s a mouthful but fantastic all the same…
A lovely friend suggested I say “I’d like to agree with you but there’s no point us both being wrong”… 