Hi,
Just had a wide local exclusion after diagnosis 3 weeks ago. Came as a surprise but it is only 9mm and so hopefully manageable. I have to go back for results on Friday.
Issue I have is my partner is either ignoring it or not taking it very well. He isn’t really supportive and although I have tried to talk to him I don’t think he wants to listen. Are there any good sites for him to go to. Fortunately I have good supportive friends but the person I want support from most isn’t coming through.
Anyone with any advice?
HP_Beans
Hi hp_beans
Welcome to the Breast Cancer Care discussion forms. Whilst you wait for the other forum user to reply with their advice and experiences you may find it helpful to read the booklet called ‘in it together’
This booklet has been written for anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer and it aims to
give them a better understanding of your situation.
If you would like a copy just follow the link below:-
breastcancercare.org.uk/upload/pdf/bcc08_in_it_together_In_it_together.pdf
I hope you find this helpful.
Kind regards
Sam (BCC Facilitator)
Hi hp_beans and welcome. Sorry to hear the reason you’re here but I’m sure you’ll find a lot of support & advice.
I’m not currently in a relationship, and that is probably easier to deal with than having a partner who isn’t giving the support you need. I know that I just have to get on with it myself.
In my experience men are generally (and I do hate generalisations) good at practical support but not so good at the emotional. The whole issue is doubtless worrying & hurting him deeply, and he probably doesn’t know what to do to make it all better. If I were you, I’d ask him to do things for you and appreciate the care he shows you through doing that.
Reach to your female friends for the emotional support - throughout all life’s tribulations over the years, I know I can count on my female friends to be there for me. And rant & rave on these forums. There are things you can say here with complete freedom that wouldn’t be understood so well by and would upset those near & dear to you. I’ve used the helpline here for an issue I am dealing with at the moment, I found them very helpful & sympathetic.
Incidentally (and rather selfishly diverting from the purpose of the thread), I had just started seeing someone shortly before my diagnosis and knew that not only would he be pretty hopeless at support but also that the relationship was at such an early tenuous phase, it would be unfair to expect support. As it was, he completely withdrew, repeating that if there was anything I needed to do, I just had to ask. The only thing I asked him to do was something that he could have done in passing and wouldn’t have inconvenienced him at all, and he forgot. Hey ho.
Good luck with your results on Friday. In many ways the wait is the worst thing.
Be good to yourself
Phili x
Hi hp Beans
Sorry you’re here, but it’s the right place for support, Phili is spot on! You can say exactly how you are feeling on here, everyone will understand. Family and friends mean well, but often don’t know what to say, or come out with something that makes you want to scream!
This is a hard time, waiting for the results, you’ve already crossed one hurdle, Dx, and the WLE. Fingers crossed for you on Friday, let us know how you get on.
Really haven’t helped with your question, sorry! My husband just went very quiet, and did not want to talk about any of it really. He admitted he found it hard, and just did not know what to say. I found great help from this site, and also, a very good (male) friend - who totally surprised me with his support. Previously, he had been almost superstitious about any illness, cancer in particular. Also, if I had a cold, he had flu; if I had a bad back - his was worse, you know what I mean! But from recall letter onwards, he was absolutly fantastic - allowed me to talk, cry, endless “what if” conversations - took it all on for me.
You just never know people, really, until something like this - don’t be worried about saying exactly how you feel, never apologise for getting upset (I did, initially - didn’t want to upset anyone! S*d that - this is all about you right now)- I’m sure your OH is there for you, maybe just needs time to come to terms with things.
Take care, and keep in touch
Lizzie
Hi Beans - welcome to the club we never wanted to join. Regarding male partners, bless 'em, they have the Y-chromosome - most of 'em don’t do emotional communication very well. (We don’t seem to have anyone currently in a lesbian relationship - I hope they feel they are able to come here and get support as well.)
My OH’s reaction was to start smoking again - which as he has emphysema was not helpful! He didn’t want to talk to anyone - not the BCN, helpline or on here. In the end, he talked to his hairdresser, who had BC several years ago!
One thing I have found with him is that he wants to help in practical ways (VERY Y-chromosome!) He insists on driving me to my chemo sessions, even though friends have volunteered to help out. And he’s taken responsibility for seeing to it that I eat properly - he does a good line in nagging!